nourishing heather

I’ve been overweight since age ten. By the time I was a pre-teen, my appetite matched that of my 6’ 6” tall grandfather. I went from being admired at beauty pageants to being bullied at school in just a few short years. My middle school years involved a lot of chaos. Ever-changing living situations. Physical and sexual abuse. Bingeing and purging. Trauma.

But it was also during dark those years that I had my first garden. In the midst of the worst days of my life, my foodie awakening began! I’d never heard of rainbow Swiss chard stems or garlic chives, but now I was growing and eating them! Cooking for my younger siblings, I’d often serve a garden menu (which I would write out on a chalk board in swirly letters LONG before that was what the cool kids were doing!): sweet corn, green beans, sliced tomatoes, chard salad, and potatoes! It was empowering to be able to grow my own food and have some control over my food security.

I joined my foster (now adoptive) family when I was 15. I already weighed about 180lbs at that time. I continued to overeat and attempted to overemphasize my okay-ness. I wanted to be okay. I was not okay. Soon we were a blended bio/foster family of 6 kids plus my parents. I found that I could help out by cooking! I insisted on doing so. The kitchen was where I felt most comfortable. I’d prepare enough for 12, have 2 large servings at the table, and help myself to more food after the meal. I worked part time throughout high school and spent almost all the money I earned on additional food to supplement my already out of control food intake.

After high school, I went to college and continued to battle overeating. Slowly, I put on another 100 pounds. In 2012, I was 24 years old and weighed 280 pounds. I was working a “just a job” job, confused about what my life was supposed to be about, and incredibly lonely. In January of that year I got a phone call from a friend inviting me to train for a 4 mile road race that would take place 6 months later. We called each other for accountability regularly and I went from a total non-runner to feeling like a REAL RUNNER (even though I was moving at BARELY faster than most people’s walking pace)! This kind of social support is something I’ve found to be critical to my success. For better or worse, I’m not a lone exerciser. I like having a buddy!

On June 17^th of 2012, I ran my first ever race and finished dead last. But I FINISHED! Spurred on by 6 months of effort, I continued to run (read: very slow jog) and bike more than I ever had previously, but my eating habits were extremely inconsistent. I’d try portion control only to overeat the next meal.

Two years later I was living in the Twin Cities and found myself surrounded by folks ON THE MOVE! In Minneapolis, people exercise for fun…IN THE WINTER! I experienced hiking (sun or snow!), city walks, urban cycling, a smattering of gyms and fitness classes…and the FOOD! It was in the Cities that I fell in love with my first grocery co-op. Living just blocks away, I was still overeating but the bulk of what I was buying was very nourishing for my body. I whipped up sweet potato pancakes, pizza without cheese, swapped mayo for avocado, and dabbled in paleo, weight watchers, clean eating, classes at the Y, and Orange Theory fitness. Try anything once, right? Or so my ADHD brain says!

Now, keep in mind: I’m a serial starter! I resolved to eat better, move more, and lose weight dozens of times. Checklists, notebooks, and mantras abounded! Results, not so much. I have trouble with impulse control and contentment.

Mostly, I ran. I ran around lakes. I ran to the bus. I ran my first 10k, then my first half marathon. I actually got faster!!! I ran around the track at the Y. I ran to church. I ran up one side of the river and down the other side. I ran on the greenway and over bridges. I ran 6 miles on New Year’s Day when it was -9 degrees outside. I actually got the runner’s bug—and stuck with it! I was running 14 minute miles on a good day, but I logged them. One benefit of my ADHD is that sometimes I HYPER-FOCUS. And for a bit, I hyper-focused on running!

Down 82 pounds, I ran my first full marathon on June 1^st of 2014. The story of that race is one for another day, but I can’t remember many times when I was prouder of myself than when I was soaking in the bathtub that night. Two years of effort had paid off.

I can’t explain what happened next. Things were going so well and then I sort of…got too brave? Too scared? I’m still working through this part…

After my marathon, I promptly moved, changed jobs, and had a new significant other. All in about a month. Not exactly a recipe for continued success. All this change was like setting fire to the progress I had made and lazily watching as it burned to the ground. I put the weight back on and then some. On August 1^st of 2015, I weighed in at 295 pounds. I stepped out of that unhealthy place by calling off a wedding (WHOA, yep), moving back home (grandpa’s basement), and assessing the damage. Sometimes I’d go for a run in the park. Sometimes I’d binge on a large pizza. Sometimes I’d sweat all day working outdoors. Other days I’d avoid leaving the basement. I tried appetite suppressant medication. I lost 12 pounds. I joined a gym and gave up after a week. I gained 20 pounds. It wasn’t pretty.

Fast forward to today. I now live in Western Wisconsin with my delightful spouse Richie. I weigh between 300 and 320 pounds depending on the day. I’ve been working with a team of nutritionists, psychologists, physicians, and surgeons for over a year. My team (a big shout to the amazing folks at Gundersen Health System) has helped me turn my emotional eating into intuitive eating. They’ve helped me go from hating my body to developing a strong desire to respect and protect my body from harm. They’ve helped me see my obesity as a disease process and my trauma as a contributing factor. I’ve stopped listening to the world’s lies about willpower, quick fixes, and fat-shaming.

After much work and consideration, I am in agreement with my care team that bariatric surgery is the next right step to improve the health of body. Surgical weight loss interventions are much more effective than non-surgical weight loss interventions for those who have a lot of weight to lose and have a history of loss and regain.

On August 1st, 2018 I will be having the sleeve gastrectomy surgery. My weight loss surgery will provide me with a few tools. One tool is restriction in the form of a much, much smaller stomach. Another tool is appetite control due to the removal of the part of my stomach that produces the mass majority of the hunger hormone Ghrelin. I also have the tools that my care team has provided me with over the last year—lists, coping skills, meal plans, smaller silverware, a scale, etc. I’ll also have follow up appointments for life. That’s right, for life! My recovery from morbid obesity is a lifelong one.