Frustr8

I hunger for a world where no one forms a judgement based on race, creed, color, sexual orientation, nation, or last ( and to my mind important ) body size. In the 60s when I was coming though,iyouth and transitioning into adulthood, we were certain we were the generation that was going,to,accomplish all this. We started out well, we shouted that we believed,in love, peace and equality. That was then, the 2010s are rapidly approaching their end and have we solved it all? No somewhere along the line we lost our own vision. Yes many strides have been made, some,new are being made daily, but one that glares in my mind is body size. We stll,live in a. world where average,is normal, any deviation is permissional,to deride, deprecate, and have,zero appreciation for. As a non average weighted female I was often ridiculed , Yes I was advantaged by being the prominent skin pigmentation but was still not valued. Even in childhood, which many,would,feel a sweeter gentler time, chants of " Fatty,fatty , 2 by 4,followed me. And it seemed although my gender, my degree of intelligence,were seldom valued the derision I received because of my size hurt the worst. I could learn to ignore being called "only a girl" , a "nerd" even a "redhead". what wounded me was being.called blimpo or bulge- belly. And much as baby chickens pecking,a weakier one to,death, my self-esteem, my joy in myself were destroyed. And since I was excluded from the circle of friendship I searched for and found a new best buddy- food! That slice of chocolate was quiet, it didn't ridicule me for being slower, ungainly and the last to be picked at sports. The bowl of creamy,ice cream it was gentle, kind, a lot more accepting than being stuck in a desk chair at school or a too narrow door in the ladies room. And although my food friend,seemed kinder,he was also an agent who ewould destroy me. I was a child, no one cares to warn me I was the agent of my own destruction , and although I did grow taller, I did not grow thinner. The calories that were supposed to grant me energy. poisonly made me even heavier. And my parents tried to intercede feebly, because they too were bewildered by this turn of events happening to their little Precious. They were told to make me exercise more, well I tried, I wanted to make them happy, but I moved slower because of my size, my joints were starting to hurt because of the weight they were carrying, they were starting to wear out, I tried running, I fell down, I was maybe 17 before I had an unsrcraped knee, do jumping jacks, I sprained both ankles within a week, jump rope, I was uncoordinated enough I tripped myself. Oh,its all right , my poor mother was told, it's just a phase she's going through, she'll grown out of it. Did I? Not really, then a really poisonous event happened- puberty.. Once again I was frog marched to the same family,doctor. Perhaps I would have benefited from,2 doctor specializing in childhood and childhood disease. There were only general or family practioners in my little town. Where it could be sloughed off as plump'hood before "A lot of children are plump, the all grow out of it" suddenly,i was really getting fat.And eordscwete uttered that still impact my life " It is just a phase" Gosh I had more phases than an utility system, didn't I? " Its only her hormones, once they regulate themselves she'll he just fine" At last report I have been 60+ years for them to smooth out, I've been through all the education my parents and I could afford,,marriage, 3 children, numerous operations and widowhood, guess what? I AM STILL FAT! Oh we tried pills, prescribed and non-prescribed, every fad and unsubstantiated diet to surface, I rode bikes up the hill, down the hill and around the hill, we tried swimming, one would think with the amount of blubber, like whales and seals I'd float to,the surface. Poor Mummy and Daddy sent me off to the local Y to learn , first lesson the instructor let me drop to the 11 foot depth bottom of the pool where I lay until someone noticed , dived in, dragged me to the side of the pool and resusitatied me after several minutes. After I came to I of course vomitted all over myself and everything in radius. Was I transported to hospital? Nope, that would have been negative publicity, couldn't have! And as I look back I wasn't all that important, this was the 1950s after all. My parents received a half-hearted apology of sorts. One. instructor blamed on my overeating, said I ate before my lesson, I hadn't eaten since 7:30 AM and this was after 3 in the afternoon,the other instructor, guess it took 2 to drag me out, said we didn't know fat would sink! Nobody apologized to me, I was banned for life from the Y, and it was many years, I was probably a teenager until they insisted I learn at summer camp.
And through the years myvtoxic relationship with food went on. And life went on, I despaired and ultimately gave up on any substantial weight loss, the arthirits that had hidden in my genes bloomed forward at 25,the asthma that had been borderline returned with a vengence at 35 and still I went on, I had abandoned hope of being normal, of being average years before, deep in my heart a tiny dream and hope still simmered although it was a tiny weak flame. I brought up the subject of surgical weight loss to my parents, they sure didn't feel there was much hope. Mummy said it would surely kill her because I would die, Daddy said stomach surgery was for people who had cancer, why would a healthy person want that? Yes maybe I had studied, knew that bariatric surgery, although it was then in its early infancy, was possible, these were my parents, they knew best. So I ceased requesting. Years later I approached my husband about this. First. I was being silly and foolish for suggesting such,a thing. I was selfish, self- centered, think,of only myself, my first responsability should be to,go and the children's had created. I should realize I was so,lucky to not be forced to find a job outside the home. Now shut,up and go fix a meal, and it had better not be skimpy, he was on plentiful food and his children would be too. And you don't need to eat, and eat so much, just push yourself away f rm the table. And instead of fighting for my rights. I gave in..Remember in my generation, our only goal was to find a man, marry young, give him as many children as he deserved, which usually was many, stay home, raise babies, clean house and don't rock the boat. You're nothing if you don't don't have a man. Well,i sure didnt' want this,model to get away, you weren't supposed to upgrade to a new model, you had this one for life. So shut up, enjoy your warm racoon prison. And most important don't rock the boat.
After 44 years of my warm and somewhat sheltered prision life Mr Wonderfully Precious died. Suddenly I had to finish the road to Self Reliant Adulthood I had diverted from . I had planned a medical career before I had given in , knuckled down and changed my,life direction. Well at 66 that was too late but maybe I could still be okay. I started going through the,last somewhat lamented,'s Private Papers, yes in the desk I had been denied access to. I had been a compliant child so certainly I would remain that way.
What should I find but paperwork from his doctor. Had I even asked and with Hipaa I wouldn't even been told, Mr Precious had kidney disease, rapidly going to end-stage, had been warned by his doctor,which we didn't share without more medical intervention and special diet he would rapidly die. And suddenly my life blinders fell off with a large crash. I had given up a possible and probably medical education to marry him, I had SAT and ACT scores off the charts in Biology and other sciences, had been in an accelerated college preparatory course line at the end of high school, the lesson plan was so exclusive only myself and 1 young man participated. We were permitted college courses facilitated by our nearby college and provided yo our high school. Alas this college was,male only, therefore Michael did not attend on campus. His credits transfered into his future university, mine were recorded at an audit level. Michael entered his university at a 2nd semester sophomore, I got,the fuzzy end of the,lollipop.
When I met Mr Precious I put my plans on a back burner. Ohio Stste, as a land grant university was mandated to accept all Ohio students of a certain academic standing. I had the misfortune to be born immediately prior to the Baby Boom when they had a glut of potential students. I gradulated.gradulatedMay 1963, they deferred me to Autumn 1968.
By the time that time came I was married and nearly 6 months pregnant,living 60 miles away so I just gave up
I devoted 44 years, 2/3rd of my life to be a good wife and mother, didn't argue,didn't fight back. Now I was 66 nearly 6767, physically tired, emotionally bent,if not. broken, believed my only value was as an auxiliary to fist parents and then husband.
I now had a loud wake-up to Self Reliant Adulthood and was scared. But I now grew, stood on trembling,legs that grew daily stronger. And,one of the major steps and ways. I felt,would achieve this was bariatric surgery. I had tried diets repeatedly, even fasted and starved. Nothing worked, sought,help from my,primary,care physician. Yes after Mr Precious demise I had finally secured one after hearing doctors re only after your money.Yes he had a doctor, but he was special.. And PCP and i,tried several ideas, not including wiring my mouth shut which Mr P would have suggested. As among the last resorts my doctor prescribed phenteramine as a diet aid, I gained 30 pounds in one month, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired so I completed a bariatric course not,once but twice . First time through,i lost insurance just before surgical date assignment, returned again one and half,years later and went completely through again only to have the surgeon decline to,perform the surgery in lines. meaning not as long as I live. So I regrouped and made a third attempt for bariatric surgery at a new location. I could be as close as 7/8 prepzred, maybe less, depends on how may prerequirements they accept, how many more they require. I am not giving up, this is my best and pissibly,last chance at a thinner, healthier, fitter and contnuing life. I have come this far, committed and will still commit more to this endeavor and I shall and wlll not stop until my day of death to receive it all.
Invisiable, just watch

The thing that concerns me. about sugar free candies, and I doubt I will use them, too close to real thing, could seduce me back over the "line" to,read thing again.
But I fear even more their laxative effects from over indulgence. Be ye Catholic, Jewish, Protestant, Muslim or even atheistic, you will worship fervently,at the Porcelain,Throne and with great repetition !😖

Might be a nice change from the "In my day we did blah blah blah", I used to hate when my older relatives did that. Well what goes around comes around, the" I won the Second. World War single-handly" have been replaced by " Let me tell you about Flower Power, the Viet Nam War and the Day Kennedy Died" and whole new generation will be bored stiff or yawn behind their hands. And a recounting of all your pain and sorrows with Bariatric Surgery will scare them skinny. Think,of it as your gift to the future generations😜LOL, my friends!!!

And I am inching closer to submitting a photo of me- because as a Fairly New Inhabitant of Onederland, I too am becoming proud of the WOMAN I am BECOMING, don't laugh but in real Day to Day LIFE I Am Shy still. This is the first social network I have appeared Brave on- but Guess What! I am fulfilling my Destiny after All!

Well here it sets still. My biggest complaint with also being 320 and post'menopausal my metabolism is such I barely lose any weight with my exercise, whereas my younger sisters drop weight like a scared rabbit. Do you feel like life is not always fair?😕

While scrolling through past postings I noticed there is" Guys who started over 400lbs" in the Guys Room. Well I believe if there is" gravy for the 🐔rooster" there certainly should be "gravy for the🐔 hen " especially those of us with meatier🍗 drumsticks. Are there challenges we face that aren't faced by our 200 lb sisters? Do we tend to lose weight faster or slower than smaller🐣 flock members?
Weigh in my sisters, weigh in!

Well if I were from the Southern US I'd bat my eyelashes and say "You'll still be my Big Guy" or "I'll look up to you honey!" Alas I am a Midwestern gal and would say only "Well duh!", did my share of fawning over men in the past, no more. I've lived too long, had enough put downs to ever play that game again. I guess I've developed late stage spunkiness, it is really no fun to be a wet soggy doormat people wipe their feet on, nobody respects a doormat, don't you know. Just because I'm a big girl it does not mean I am a dumb girl. We are as bright if not brighter than most people. And people better start respecting me, smart aleck answer-"before I knock some sense into them". But wiser woman answer: "because I've worked hard to get to where I am now in life"
And also when you try,to knock sense into some people, it flies through their head, out the opposite ear and lands on the ground. Just don't have the desired result.
Story from my own life. My late husband and indeed most of his family thought- you should talk loudly and in a disparaging tone to others, then the will be motivated to do better. But,that's not the way to treat me, I would crumple inside, it robbed me of joy and belief in my own self-worth. And the song around my ears at that time? You're nobody until a man loves you. And I "bought,into it" after all that was,how my parents and society, viewed things. Emotional crippled me until, even at my age, I find it hard people l can love or even like me for just myself, not an extension of someone else. I am trying to shed those shackles and braces and stand confidently on my own.😓😝

@MsTipps, if you are still active I wanted to wish you a Happy First Year Surgiversity on January 12th, you always were very kind to me!

Look for someone that makes you mess up your lipstick instead of your mascara.

While scrolling through past postings I noticed there is" Guys who started over 400lbs" in the Guys Room. Well I believe if there is" gravy for the 🐔rooster" there certainly should be "gravy for the🐔 hen " especially those of us with meatier🍗 drumsticks. Are there challenges we face that aren't faced by our 200 lb sisters? Do we tend to lose weight faster or slower than smaller🐣 flock members?
Weigh in my sisters, weigh in!

Until you get closer to my age then they drag out new cast of characters
Menopause-No Doctor, that did not cause my bad breath, my favorite sandwich is limburger cheese on rye bread with sliced Vidalia Onions. That will drop a moose at 50 paces.
Cataracts- No that didn't cause the rash in my groin folds, I just need some Nystatin powder until,i can have a Tummy Tuck up. See I don't have to wait for more weight loss, I already have Dunlap disease, my tummy done laps over intomy upper thighs.
Poor eyesight, poor hearing or approaching senility.:
"Listen Doctor Junior, I still can see the smirk on your little face, I heard what you said, and if you come within range of my hand I will be tempted to either slap your little face or knock you into next Sunday. Now take your laptop on a stand, get out of here while the gettings good." Take your little hand and wave bye-bye. It might be your office but I've spent enough here I done bought THIS room!" LOL

While scrolling through past postings I noticed there is" Guys who started over 400lbs" in the Guys Room. Well I believe if there is" gravy for the 🐔rooster" there certainly should be "gravy for the🐔 hen " especially those of us with meatier🍗 drumsticks. Are there challenges we face that aren't faced by our 200 lb sisters? Do we tend to lose weight faster or slower than smaller🐣 flock members?
Weigh in my sisters, weigh in!

Well here it sets still. My biggest complaint with also being 320 and post'menopausal my metabolism is such I barely lose any weight with my exercise, whereas my younger sisters drop weight like a scared rabbit. Do you feel like life is not always fair?😕

A little poetry for all of us
Weight Loss Surgery, it's not the EASY way
You have to make a commitment each and every day
Your diet,is forever changed but then so is your body
All those "Nay-Sayers" they are just being snotty!
You wager your body, there will be some pain
But better health and fitness you will gain.
I'm changing my life and lifestyle, that is true
But with the❤and support of my Bariatric Pal friends
I know I'll make it through!
My weight loss surgery is a tool--- not a toy
But each pound I'm losing, that gives me great joy!
Will you join me on my journey towards renewed health?
To know I can now have a future- that is really wealth.
So I walk bravely forward, content with whatever tomorrow will bring
And for me. Frust8 lies ahead my happiness in a Bariatric Spring.
May 5 2018😝

It is Good to be Chaste, but even more Fun to be Chased occasionally!

Sideeye thank you for the inspiration, you really do look like a brand new sweet stranger, guess that's why you didn't get recognised. I am still seeking to release my inner Cutie Pie, Red-hot Mama self from the Big Mama shell the outside world seemed to see. See I always knew I was cute, fun to be around, a very sweet kind person, but them, all they ever gave me credit for was a A** wide enough to show drive- in movies on, and I am so much more. Plan on diminishing me to the point no one recognizes ME. And the guys who wouldn't give me the time of day, I yearn for the day they try to hit on me, I plan to say" Why , no Thank You, I believe I can do BETTER than YOU after all!" Years of hurt, behind that feeling, I might be just a modicum revengeful!👊

3 Future NSV I am hoping for:#1
sitting on a plastic chair and not have it make embarrassing sucky noises, also to have chairs with arms nor bite into my thighs. #2 Relatives letting me sit on their,good furniture instead of getting a sturdy wooden one from. the kitchen or their porch.#3 sitting and swinging on a porch swing. Last time I tried relative kept looking at the pitch ceiling to see if I bent the hooks out or snapped the chain. Many things have a 200 or 250 lb weight limit.
And when I achieve these things I will shout,it from the highest roof, right after I post on Bariatric Pal!🚩😛🚩

And I am inching closer to submitting a photo of me- because as a Fairly New Inhabitant of Onederland, I too am becoming proud of the WOMAN I am BECOMING, don't laugh but in real Day to Day LIFE I Am Shy still. This is the first social network I have appeared Brave on- but Guess What! I am fulfilling my Destiny after All!

Sliders tend to be things that go down your esophagus easily. One of Orchids and Dragons and mine, was Cheezits, you start with them and you have no brakes, you chomp the whole box. And ice cream was one of mine, I would think it tasted so cool and creamy I would devour an entire 1/2 gallon at one sitting. And often I didn't realize it until I was scraping bottom. popcorn isn't one for me then or now, I have diverticulitis, those hulls do a number on me, PAIN CITY! And those are the ones in my life but others may have something else to contribute.

🐰May you have a wonderful surgery and may it be all you have dreamed of.

Well finally you are getting close to your BIG DAY, are you getting a little 3cvited yet?

While scrolling through past postings I noticed there is" Guys who started over 400lbs" in the Guys Room. Well I believe if there is" gravy for the 🐔rooster" there certainly should be "gravy for the🐔 hen " especially those of us with meatier🍗 drumsticks. Are there challenges we face that aren't faced by our 200 lb sisters? Do we tend to lose weight faster or slower than smaller🐣 flock members?
Weigh in my sisters, weigh in!

I bought some at Wal-Mart, forget the brand, Atkins? anyway it wasn't merely coffee- tasting, it had strong caffeine count, took it back and got something else.

Believe you will land on your feet and make this a success. And we will want to hear updates as you start losing down your weight.

Well I still like you, you made a couple bad choices, but you're going to try doing better, right? And if you getvtempted you will remember how you feel now. Pick yourself up, shake off the criticism if it hurts, dust yourself off, all is not lost. Your sleeve will feel better when you feel better, and you are still pretty cool, okay? Please stay, you were at least honest, in this politically correct eera, it's refreshing.😜