boringtessa

Being an invalid is so boring.  I want to go out and do something, but my body isn't ready at all.
Thankfully, I haven't had much pain (other than the gas pains, which, thankfully, I was able to get rid of while still in hospital).  Even in the hospital, my pain was relatively minimal, so I'm doing okay without the pain killers so far.  I've been able to take my psych meds - most can be broken in half, so I only have to crush one of them.  I've started taking my chewable vitamins, and there are no issues with those so far.  All-in-all, It looks like I'm doing well!
I'm a bit concerned about getting enough liquids in - I may be trying to push to hard, but every time I take a sip of something, it hurts a little and gurgles.  I've tried hot, cold, and lukewarm, salty, sweet, plain water.  I'm hoping that this will get better because I don't want to end up in the hospital with dehydration.  A bit of me kinda wishes I was still in the hospital for that reason... Not that it was particularly pleasant, but it was nice to know that I wouldn't get dehydrated because I had an IV in.  I don't know why dehydration is such a concern for me, perhaps because I've never been good about getting in my fluids.
I haven't felt what I would call real hunger yet, so that is a relief, but I am craving foods that I can't have yet - specifically, refried bean puree spiced with taco seasoning!  I don't know why I'm craving that so much, but I'm just really looking forward to it.  I'm getting very very bored with clear liquids - I'm not enjoying broth like I thought I would, which is a shame.
I'm feeling pretty down, probably because I'm so bored.  Watching TV in the middle of the day makes me so uncomfortable!  I'm kinda regretting the decision just a little, but when I remember what the doctor said about how big my liver was and how close I am to having cirrhosis, I know I've made the right choice.  I mean, I know I made the right choice, anyways, but thinking about food is getting me down.  It's not all about food.  I have to remember that, even though my life revolved around food before, it doesn't have to  - I can find other ways to be fulfilled.
Looking forward to getting back to roller-skating and eating something with some spices in it!

Well, I'm back!  The surgery was Wednesday, but they made me stay until today (Friday)... not because I wasn't doing well, but because it is a requirement of the surgeon.  I was actually impressing all the nurses with how well I was recovering.  I was up and walking within a couple hours, absolutely determined to progress.  AND the gas pains were surprising!  It's really unfortunate that there isn't really anything they can do to help with the gas pains except encourage walking, but the drugs did a great job with the incision pain.
It was very boring at the hospital - I thought I had loaded my mp3 player with audiobooks, but of course that wasn't working.  There was TV, but there was nothing interesting on it.  I pretty much sat around staring at nothing for hours, ugh.  Eventually, I remembered to text my people to let them know I was alright, and I was able to get some sleeping medication to knock me out.  Everyone at the hospital was so nice and incredibly helpful, I felt like I was being taken great care of.
The surgeon said that my liver was HUGE, and that, without weight loss, I'd have cirrhosis within 5 years... yikes!  It is a good thing I was able to have the surgery - just another reason that I NEEDED to do something drastic.
I'm getting a little nervous about hydration - 64 oz seems like a lot of liquid now that I can only take in a tiny bit of water at a time.  So far, I haven't been able to get down much liquid at all, it feels a little uncomfortable and gets all gurgly, but I will keep trying.
Well, anyways, I'm back and well!

Surgery is the day after tomorrow!     I'm starting to second-guess myself about the surgery - I know it's pre-surgery nerves, but it's still very real.  I think the thing that is bothering me the most is that I won't be able to eat like I used to.  Like, it's hard for me to imagine being able to be satisfied with just 1/2 cup of food.  I am a total foodie.  The delight of my life has been delicious, high quality food; I believe that the human sense of taste is one of God's kindest gifts, given for our pleasure.  How can I enjoy gourmet meals if I only get a tiny taste?  I know this is silly, I'm just used to bigger portions and eating fast as if I haven't eaten in days... once I am able to feel full quickly (imagine, actually being able to feel full?) and when I'm forced to really slow down and savor a meal, a small portion isn't going to be so bad.  But I am freaking out a little bit.  I just have to tell myself it will be worth it, and it won't be as bad as I think.   At this point, it's hard not to hope (and maybe even expect) that the surgery is going to show results immediately.  I'm not going to walk out of the hospital a thinner person, it's going to take maybe a year to get to goal weight, or maybe I'll never even reach my goal weight.  This has to be okay with me.   An update about the liquid diet - this is my 4th day on full liquids, and I think I'm doing okay.  I can't watch food shows/videos or anything because it's making me crazy and a little depressed, but I am not as hangry as I expected.  I am a bit grumpy, no doubt, but I've been able to stave off hunger pangs with protein drinks, soup, and V8.  The thing I haven't been able to prevent is migraines - I've got the family curse (it runs in my dad's side of the family).  One of my biggest migraine triggers is HUNGER, so I woke up this morning with a migraine; I've been expecting this, and I'm impressed that I haven't had one yet, but it was time for it to pop up.  Thankfully, my migraine medication is okay to take, which is helpful even if I can't take any effective pain killers (no blood thinners).   Alright, so, tomorrow - clear liquids and bowel prep; Wednesday, surgery!!

The day is coming up!  A week from this Wednesday!  I'm getting nervous, but mostly in a good way.  I've told all my close people, and everyone is supportive so far; I've got a few people praying for me (well, mostly for the surgeon and his team), which is a comfort.
I've been having "food funerals", though I'm on the fence about that concept in general... in some ways, it doesn't seem like a good idea to have "one last...." if it means binging on things.  That kinda defeats the purpose of the pre-op diet you were on to develop good habits.  But I've been doing them.  Indian food one last time.  Baking one last cake for myself.  One last ice cream.  I begin my pre-op liquid diet on this coming Friday, so I'm kinda going a little crazy with the last meals, almost on the verge of a binge - though, encouragingly, I've been able to control the urge to binge so far, avoiding situations that would cause that behavior.
Speaking of the 5-day pre-op liquid diet, I think the thing I'm getting most nervous about is being HANGRY for those 5 days before the surgery, but I have to remind myself that it will be worth it, and in doing so, I hope I can keep my attitude from being totally rotten.  But BOY do I get hangry.