boringtessa

Is this it?

I have stopped losing weight and have been hovering between 215-225 lbs for 4 months.  My 1-year surgery anniversary is coming up, which means that my "honeymoon period" is coming to an end.  It's too late now for me.  I am so disappointed.  I only lost 50% of my excess weight; I had such high hopes that I could actually meet my goal.  But I guess this is it, and I am so depressed about it.  Like, what was even the point?!  I made an irreversible change, and I have to live with the consequences without getting the benefits.

I've been avoiding going back to my surgeon because I have been so sooo embarassed by my lack of progress.  What would he say?  I like him, but he doesn't spend a lot of time with patients because he is so busy, and I just haven't been prepared to get a beat-down about the lack of weight loss.  I mean, I haven't been doing everything perfectly, but I have been making much better choices and getting more exercise than before the surgery, but that wasn't enough, and now I'm doomed to be fat and unhealthy forever.

Stalls are the WORST.  I know they happen, but I am still disappointed.  I've been the same weight for over 2 weeks.

Somehow, even in spite of the pain after every meal, I can't seem to get myself to eat more slowly.  I want to eat slowly, but my brain still gets frantic whenever it's food time.  I'm afraid I might be stretching my sleeve, which could be dangerous at only 1 month since surgery.  Don't know what to do other than just go back to liquids, but I can't stay there forever!

I'm off of these boards for a while. My stepfather (my dad's husband) just passed away last night, and I only just lost Dad last year, and ... I kind of need to be focusing on that, you know? I'll see you all later.

My surgery was Wednesday, and already, on Sunday, I'm feeling mostly human. I count myself very lucky!

I have been taking the nausea pills I was prescribed ("as needed" is what the bottle says) every morning, and I think that has helped me get closer and closer to my fluid goals. A pill is only good for 8 hours, though, so it isn't doing anything for me in the evenings, when I am still drinking fluids. Maybe I'll try to go without it tomorrow and see if I can.

Anyway, I'll hit 64 ounces for the first time today, my third full day home. I'm on track for 56 grams of protein, 57 if I go for Jello instead of popsicles, which obviously I'm going to do, now that I've said that.

With more distance, I'm able to report on something I've kind of glossed over in my other statuses ... I had some really rocky time while I was in the hospital. There were at least two hours in recovery where nobody checked on me, and my IV stopped--I felt very sick and dehydrated when they finally fixed it. (I was stuck in recovery through a shift change, and they wouldn't let my spouse back with me for something like 4 hours, because people's assigned rooms weren't ready yet, and not letting spouses join inpatient people in recovery is policy. That was terrible. My spouse complained to the nursing supervisors when he found out how I'd been (not) treated, and he never does that!)

Once I was in my room and had a working IV again, everything progressed OK. They didn't let me walk as quickly as I'd expected; I woke up the first time around 4pm, was in my room by 8pm, and didn't get to walk until around noon the next day, with the exception of trips to the in-room bathroom. The pain meds wrecked me almost as much as I expected (I feel like they added to queasiness, but I can't be sure; they definitely forced me to sleep, instead of really taking care of the pain, though, as I'd thought they might ... happily, the pain has been pretty manageable without them).

Home has been better. I've been pacing the main floor of the house roughly every hour. Once it cools off this evening, Spouse and I are going for a walk part of the way around the block, to see how that goes. (80+ degrees in October, ugh.) I feel a little lightheaded sometimes when I'm walking around, and I'm not sure what that's about. It felt enough like a sugar low, yesterday, that I dropped a single sugar cube into my tea (which my plan allows). That did seem to help. I haven't had to do it again today, happily.

Looking forward from here, I'm not forcing myself to go to class (3 hours, a half hour drive away) tomorrow or Tuesday night. The professor was nice, saying "you're the sort of person who would try, even if you feel bad and even though you're ahead on the material, so I am telling you to stay home." I feel like, if I keep on recovering at this pace, going to class the following week should be no problem for me, plus I should be able to work that Thursday and/or Friday. (I might ease in and try just Friday. Nothing I do at work is time-sensitive. I have a very unimportant job.)

I know from reading these forums, though, not to get too overconfident. So I'm still taking it pretty easy and focusing all of my energy on healing.

OK, surgery's done (Weds), I'm home, and I'm trying to tough it out with just Tylenol in the daytime, because the oxycodone makes me too tired to function. I might take it before bed, just to give my liver a break from Tylenol each day.

I'm taking the anti-nausea pills preventatively. I'll want to go off them as soon as possible, but the patch they put on is only good for three days. This is day three. I'd like to avoid forcing my new stomach and the nicely sewn up hernia to send things backwards, if at all possible.

I'm doing small loops around parts of the house and using the spirometer often. Just trying to heal up, you know. Coughing hurts, but that's to be expected. So far, Jello is the main thing my stomach seems willing to accept, though I've had a little luck with black tea, too.

It took all of the courage in my soul, but I did manage to give myself the shot of blood thinner in my stomach. Blood clots are serious business.

I have always been easily discouraged.  I will often not try something because I "know" I will fail at it, or I may do some other self-sabotaging thing.  This is a terrible way to live life, and I've only recently started working on it.

This weight loss surgery is something I know I need to do, something I even WANT to do, and I am determined to give it a shot even though I "know" (untrue) it's just another thing I will likely fail at.  I'm trying to push past my automatic hide-under-a-rock reaction.

So, keeping in mind my default self-defeating attitude, I am already struggling with this diet.  It was only YESTERDAY that the surgeon told me I needed to lose 20 lbs and that I need to keep a food log and try to eat only 1200 calories/day.  I guess I'm struggling with the IDEA of the diet.  1200 calories is crazy!  I'm HUGE, how am I going to successfully function in day-to-day life on so little sustenance?  I'm going to get low-blood-sugar migraines, I'm going to be even tireder than I already am, I'm going to be so so hungry all the time.

The thing is, I have barely even started the diet, but I am already psyching myself out, worrying before it's necessary, my brain is screaming for me to eat a huge amount of whatever I want in protest.  Am I strong enough to withstand?  I'm not so sure.  So then how am I going to be successful with the surgery??

Lots for me to think about.  I want this so badly, but I am AFRAID that I won't be successful.  Being so full of fear can really squash all the joy from life.