Mattymatt

Today I am feeling down in the dumps. I can't believe how much time I've lost and wasted being obese. I got several employment rejection letters in my email and I thought that employers were really active to get people. The only companies interested in me are over the road truck driving jobs and that isn't a lifestyle conducive to good health. I have my Class A CDL and I know truck driving is rough. I am not even a really good driver but they don't seem to care - they just want another person to hold the steering wheel. What can a disabled, middle-aged man do? On the upshot, I am really holding down the soft foods well now, the nausea wave dissipated, and my incisions really look good and healed. I am just too tired to go to the gym today so tomorrow will be the day.

I am reminded today that gaining one's health is not a linear progression. Meaning we have days and setbacks. I had my protein-rich breakfast and I am nauseous as a mofo. I didn't feel like my protein-fortified oatmeal so I had two protein-fortified, zero-sugar hot chocolates. All told 30g of protein but I am feeling super crappy. Hoping this wave will pass.

I did manage to get to the gym yesterday for a 15 minute workout. I think the best attitude towards the gym is to have both the desire to get physical activity and just to keep coming back. I am happy about the 15 minutes. Today, I am headed back. :-D Once I see the nurse practitioner at the beginning of next month, I will ask to see if I am cleared for weight training as this is equally important.

Today I see the sleep doctor and it is a good thing because I need to get a small-sized mask for my CPAP now. Since losing the amount of weight that I have, the mask is now too big, leaks air, and shifts. I had 3.5 apnea's per hour last night and I am used to less than 1 so I really did not sleep very well. I don't feel bad - just sluggish and I am certainly not recouped from yesterday's workout so it is a rest day.

I went to the gym this morning feeling surprisingly strong. I think it must be the 100 something grams of protein intake a day. I was aiming for 15 minutes of cardio and blew that goal out of the water. By the time I looked at the clock it was at 28 minutes and I am like, "Okay, 2 minutes and I am done." So I hopped off the elliptical at 30 minutes feeling really good. I don't want to overdo it because I want to make the gym a daily habit. Still this is every reason to feel good!

Being on this high protein diet has the pleasant added bonus of recovering quickly from a workout. I feel pretty good this morning after yesterday afternoon's first gym session in 4 years. I expected to be feeling pretty tired but I feel I could do some stationary bicycle stuff today.

I tried to create a ticker today but gave up because, according to my account, I have already reached my goal weight. I have no idea how this setting got so fugazied up but whatever. If someone wants to take a stab at helping me fix this, I am all ears ... er, eyes.

Exhaustion finally got the better of me and I took a long nap. Only problem with being that tired was I had a very lucid nightmare. The basic theme was all of my setbacks and failures over the past 15 years in brief and vivid snapshots. The most vivid of these snapshots was of my ex-girlfriend, the one I thought I would marry. We were doing karaoke night on a cruise and she sang Paula Abdul's Forever Your Girl while looking right at me with an unforgettable sparkle in her eye.

Well, I woke up feeling predictably like garbage and then I vaguely remembered a few people posting about how fast weight loss can release hormones stored in fat. I don't know what prompted me to step on the scale but I did and lo and behold, I am down 6 pounds in only 5 days (maybe more because it is best to weigh at the beginning of the day.) This was a faster rate than I had ever lost before. Ironically, this did not make me feel any better. My hazy mind just said, "Okay, now time to shower and clean the incisions" Jaysus! I don't cry easily but the damn burst once the hot water hit me. A good cry is an underrated experience for feeling better. So I am now well along my journey and down 26 pounds from my heaviest last September.

This morning the challenges are all mental. I woke up feeling down and I am also having a little bit of a "pain" set-back. The pain in that one large abdominal incision is a little worse today. It could be the way I slept though. Today the goals are the same: hydration, protein, more hydration. Hope y'all are doing okay.

Last night was my first night home and it wasn't an easy one. I have a low bed so getting into and out of it was unpleasant. Before I went to sleep, I forgot to take a dose of Tylenol and didn't want to get back up because of the discomfort. Well, that was probably not the best decision in the world. So, sleep wasn't the best and I awoke several times. Each time I awoke, I had to get to the bathroom to pee. Since I am really afraid of dehydration putting me back in the hospital, I didn't go back to bed. I went to the kitchen for an 8oz bottle of water. It takes me about 20 minutes to drink that water. But better to hydrate than to be at too much of a deficit by morning. 

Wish it would stop snowing!!