B.B

I was still skinny in my young adulthood, when I met my husband 15 years ago I was at about 115 lb.  As we dated we would go out a lot but I never worried cause I also worked out a lot, yet one day I noticed weight creeping up (my x-small clothign felt too small).  Doctor diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and that took a while to get under control. 

When we got married a year later my weight was about 140 and I started worrying. Felt huge and tired and disgusting, so we decided to move to Florida in hopes of being able to spend more time outside and helping me to get back in shape.  That backfired, cause I didn't realize the severity of daily levels of humidity in that state.  I was miserable outside and sweating more than I should, just for being out there.  I did join a gym, but somehow my motivations were shut and although I liked to spend time at the pool or splashing around in the gulf of Mexico as I had to keep upgrading my swimwear from x-small to large size I also lost confidence to wear it out.  

My body was changing and I didn't like any of those changes, while my thyroid kept getting worse.  We also were trying to get pregnant and that seemed to be very frustrating and put additional toll on me.  Eventually I was informed I wont be able to have children, cause of other issues within my body.  We accepted the fate and on top of 2 older cats we already had we decided to add 2 kittens.  

About a month after that I got pregnant (and I was at about 160 lb then), and my doctor worried about me a lot, reminding me that it will be a tough ride and I will have to see him often to make sure all is good, cause I was in high risk category of losing the baby, especially towards the end of the term.  I took it very seriously and easy on myslef, but kept active as much and as smart as I could.  Unfortunately problems started appearing very soon.  

First one observable and related to rapid weight gain due to pregnancy (I was also showing very early on) was pain in my feet, both of them.  I noticed it while durning my morning jog/walk time on the track behind my house.  It was my heel spurs pain that went on undetected for months.  

Then I started having problems with my hips, did PT for it, but since I was pregnant I didnt have any x-rays done.  I was recommended to take it all even easier, to rest a lot, do simple exercises but not to overdo it.  

Then other pregnancy related issues popped up, like gestational diabetes, preeclampsia and I was eventually put on bed rest.  Weight only kept creeping up and when at one point I took a longer look in the mirror I cried, cause I didnt recognize the person in it.  

I was about 250lb shortly before delivery, felt miserable and unable to do anything to help the weight, my sole focus was to make sure I can carry to term.  With preeclampsia my doc didnt actually want to wait till my due date and suggested earlier c-section, cause that condition was dangerous for me more than for the baby.  Since I was also breastfeeding my baby I coudlnt go on diet asap, nor deal with the heal spurs the way my doc suggested (I had only one cortisone shot in both feet - which was super painful and did relieve some pain, but cause it was meant to last for few months and wore off after 3 weeks I decided not to go through that pain of it anymore). 

Finally when I could I started dealing with those spurs and signed up for nutrisystem delivery.  I was doing ok, and moved onto the steroid treatment of my feet, but as it failed and the doctor knew I had already suffered enough we decided to get on the track for foot surgery. That's when my husband announced his office will be closing and we were faced with a decision to either stay and look for another job or move within the company (relocation) and keep the employment. 

With 4 cats, new baby and my health issues we thought we cant afford to lose the income or insurance, but on the other hand we had just refinanced the mortgage in our house, and did a lot of major renovations, including new windows, new AC system, pool and backyard upgrade (basically making it safer for the baby, adding a safety fence and replacing existing concrete with nice pavers).  So we were in a catch-22, either way we'd chose to continue we'd lose a lot of money, and in the still very unstable market then (my son is 7 now) having a steady income won over huge losses from sale of the house.  

After we moved my search for a foot doctor started and it was a painful process, not only cause I was still hurting a lot every time I walked, but also cause of the type of doctors I happened to come across.   After a year of seeing 3 different ones I gave up and thought the universe is against me.  With nutrisystem I came close to 200 lb but never under, and as I continued to have my food delivered to new place I saw that it eventually wasnt helping me at all, so I decided to quit it. Then as I became less and less mobile cause of pain and weight gain I also became a recluse, didnt want any pictures taken, avoided family gatherings and descended into the world of online gaming and constant snacking.  

Finally 3 years ago I had some eye opening facts presented to me, as my weight got close to 300 lb and I was moving out of the pre-diabetes stage.  With my reg doctor we tried to fix my diet and habits, but the foot pain prevented me from most activity, it got so bad that I had to line up chairs between sofa and bathroom so I could make it there.  That was no way to live, another huge wake up call was that I wasnt fitting on my son's school bus to get him strapped in (he takes the short bus cause he is autistic - and that diagnosis was also as if someone was putting up more obstacles in my way to recovery, my full focus - or whatever was left of it, cause I wasn't really myself anymore - went into trying to help him instead of helping myself).  

During the year of work with my doctor I slowly changed my diet, and although I didnt lose any weight I also didnt gain anymore, but other problems came to light, like sleep apnea and high blood pressure.  I finally had to also do somethign about my feet, and took it very seriously to find a doctor that will want to operate on them and I finally got lucky.  

She had actually listened to me, and only suggested one type of therapy that I didnt try before - laser, but when after a few weeks the results were not what she expected we moved fast track into surgery. I had one foot operated on before thanksgiving 2 years ago, and the other before christmas (chose those dates for 2 reasons: 1. cause my son woud have time off from school and hubby some vaction too and I could rest post op, when I couldnt really walk much at first and each foot was beign kept for safety in a postsurgical boot, 2. another "good" excuse to not join any of the family events). 

Those surgeries gave me a green light to living, but as I started walkign again I noticed other problems I had no idea about their severity before, cause I was never up long enough to notice.  My lower back was a mess and my knees were useless, I couldnt kneel at all, not even on the sofa while leanign over to reach for the blinds behind it.  

My life was pretty much a constant pain ever since pregnancy, and I felt liek trapped in a vicious cycle: one step forward - 2 steps back.  I also didnt take many of the pain pills, cause they didnt really help much, and when I took the harder ones I was basically sleepign all day and I coudnt do that either cause I had to be awake for my son, besides sleep apnea was affecting my awake hours enough and often when my husband came home I was asleep on the sofa.  

It was a really tough time, but very slowly I was making some progress.  Eventually it was a conversation with my doctor which made me realise that my problems can only get bigger if I can't lose any weight, and staying at or around my current number (I was fluctuating between 285-298lb) wasnt an option either, so she strongly suggested I looked into bariatric surgery. 

I finally did so a year ago, Nov 2016 and cause my insurance then didn't allow for the surgery to happen without a monitored and documented prequalification process that was supposed to take 6-8 months, I did some research to find better insurance and get accepted when I was ready to go through with it, after completing one sheet of steps.  Ironically cause getting some of those required appointments was very time consuming I ended up having my surgery done 9 months after initial visit, but I was glad to have spent that time researching it thoroughly and learning about how it actually works.  

To think back then I struggled with the thought that it was an easy way out, lol, there is nothing easy about it, it takes commitment, discipline and a complete lifestyle change, but I knew I had to do it, I coudln't live like that anymore, avoiding people, family, having trouble to keep up with personal hygiene, and most of all not being able to assist my son when he needed me - that hurt me the most of all the pains I ever had.  

So here I am now, 4 months post op and feeling great.  I'm still having some pain, mostly in my knees, but also in my hips and back.  I had finally taken the x-ray of my hips and the reason for my back and knee problems emerged, and am currently working with 2 doctors to treat it.  

Still not there health wise, and not skinny yet, but feeling hell of a lot better then a year ago and a world of difference from 2 years ago.  

I'm glad to have had people in my life who inspired me, guided me and made me want to see the beauty of life at the time when I was ready to give up.  Also ironically I met some of those people while playing those stupid online games.  Isn't life funny that way? 

I guess in the end all that happens in our live is somehow fated, and we are constantly faced with choices, and its only up to us what we chose to do.  I'm happy to be alive and to be here, and am looking forward to skinny and healthy me2.0

Thank you all for reading, I did write this once before and cause of a misclick I lost all progress right before posting it, and since the site didn't save what I typed I didn't feel back then to type it all up again.  Today I used wordpad to save the story as I write it  Lesson learned