ThinWithin

We have a newly born weekly tradition in our family. Every friday we have a movie night, a movie and a snack shared happily between us all. We decided to follow the alphabet recently so we have had snacks and movies starting with each letter. First we had Arthur and the Incredibles w/angel food cake and last week we had Bolt and brownies. Here is where things start to go awry. I managed quite well with the angel food cake and I got cocky. I love brownies....adore them and their chocolate gooey goodness, I had one on friday and then I had chaos and calamity this weekend so I had no more. Today I've been eyeballing the pan, bite here, pinch there sliding slowly back into the old habits I had worked so hard to replace. I have put them away and am blogging about it instead of eating them. Actually now that I am aware of what was doing it's not that difficult to CHOOSE to not eat them. I am finding that the mindless snacking is hard to combat because it's not something that I THINK about. I know that sounds like a DUH! statement but it really is an epiphany for me. I read that people are satisfied with less of whatever their beloved foods are (even a bite or two) and I cannot wait to get to that point. I dont want to rush thorugh this process, I want to savor each step so that I can fully appreciate the change as it comes and embrace where I've come from when all is said and done. I guess defeat wouldnt be correct then...hmmm.....awareness thy name is brownie? doesn't have quite the same ring to it now does it?

I have had an incredibly emotional weekend and am so very proud of myself. I stayed focused on what was important to me and didnt stop following my (self imposed) higher protien lower carb diet. I even was in a pinch and drove 4 hours w/o dinner and stopped at a gas station. slim pickins for sure but I walked out w/a water and a bag of cashews (they didnt have almonds waaaah) instead of a bag of chips and a pop or any other variation of junk. It makes me feel so ready and in control. I am proud of myself and feel like I can so do this, knowing that I will have the band as a partner to help me in making good choices is giving me the strength to make it through until my band day. Now I am off to fall into an exhausted heap into bed. May tomorrow be mundane, drab and boring....please?

I am not telling people I've had labpanding done. Now I have told a few people, 4 of my close girlfriends know but they all live in at least a state if not several away. I have told my husband and my mother but that's it for local. Did you ever watch Seinfeld? You know the episode of worlds colliding? That is what it would feel like if this world met my irl world. I have been overweight as long as I can remember. My immediate family has never made me feel bad but I recently realized that my siblings are content with their weight because they are not as big as me. As long as I am the "big" one then they dont have to address their issues. I have heard the whole "you'd be pretty if..." line and the trump was when my Grandma told me "you could find such a nice boy if you lost some weight" I was maybe 16/17 yr old and told her if the 'nice boy' required that i lost weight to find him then he wasn't nice enough for me. That has long been my stance and it worked, I have been married to the nice boy in my life for almost 15 yrs. I have heard the stage whispers of "oh I thought she'd lost weight" at family functions. I dont want my weight loss to be cheapened by people talking about it as the easy way out. I have lost several pounds prior to surgery or preop diet because I am determined and focused. I dont want people to discount my work at this. Maybe as I lose weight and become more comfortable in my own skin my feelings will change. Right now I wouldnt count on it.

I haven't blogged much. I found myself wanting to blog myself through this experience. I am not telling people IRL so my personal blog was out. I am not really blogging for an audience but wanted a place to put my feelings out there and know that I wasn't alone or the first one to feel that way. I am so thankful for this site because it is a melting pot of btdt and just starting the journey. I have looked into lapbanding for years and years. I found this site so long before my insurance was willing to pay for the procedure. I am currently waiting for my surgery date (4/21) and am working my way to a lower carb higher protien lifestyle. I have purposed to walk 2.1 miles for 5 days a week until surgery so I will be logging 10 1/2 miles a week. So far so good. I dont really have much more for now. I just wanted a place to put what I'm thinking down so I can clear my head of the looping questions and feelings.