_Kate_

To say I've been in a dark and depressing mood the past few days is a mild understatement.  Okay, a major understatement! People I thought were friends haven't been there for me when I needed them the most. And perfect strangers reached out, not knowing me at all and sending words of encouragement. To those strangers, I thank you. Your kindness means the world to me. 
Mostly I'm sorry I got as dark as I did. I really am trying to see someone about it, but like my "friends", they said they can't see me right now. Oh wells! I'll see them a week from tomorrow, probably bouncing off the walls happy. 
I'm doing okay now, though. I got back on the wagon today. I have a goal to lose at least another 10 pounds by April 22. I also decided that is going to be my goal date for surgery. I know that this date is highly contingent upon my surgeon, but I am praying that this will be my day to shine. Well, I'm rarely shining right after surgery, but you know what I mean.
See, a little background history about me. I met my husband on February 5, 1995. We went on our very first date on February 14 of the same year and became a couple four days later until April 11, 2013. When I was telling my new therapist about him during my intake I lost count of how many times she said "He had some serious mental problems". I already knew that and it was the reason I filed for divorce because he wouldn't get help for those problems. He committed suicide on April 22, 2013 after he got the divorce papers. Left a message for me on Facebook that read in his status "Til Death Do Us Part". To say that's messed with me over the years is another major understatement. 
Therefore, I think having my surgery on April 22 would be a perfect way to begin again. To put my fat and him behind me once and for all. For me. For my kids. For us. As a kind stranger told me, it's time to let go of the past. And that's exactly what I intend to do.
God Bless and Protect you always.

As S Day quickly approaches, I start thinking about all the things that I'll be able to do again that I can't do now without difficulty. I can't bicycle very far anymore. I can't hike anymore without having to take a break every 10 steps it seems. I can't mountain climb because I can't lift my body up with my own legs because I weigh too much. I can't run without feeling like collapsing 10 feet from the beginning of where I start. I can't fast dance even one song without my lungs feeling like my lungs are going to explode. I can't ride most rollercoasters. I don't fit in the seats. I'll never forget how embarrassed I was when my oldest was about 2 years old and my husband and I went to six flags over Texas with him and I wanted to ride the Superman ride and was turned away because I was too fat to fit in the seat and bring the restraining arms down far enough to buckle it. 
After April and some hard work, I'll be able to ride that rollercoaster. I'll be able to rock climb again. I'll be able to hike through Devil's Den and go spelunking and actually fit through some of the smaller crevices in the cave. I'll be able to probably leave my kids in the dust while hiking to the cave. I'll be able to bicycle, hopefully with relative ease, from Fayetteville to Bentonville. A 30 mile bicycle ride. Along with a size 9, that is my goal. To be able to ride the Square to Square trail next year and be in a size 9 for the first time in my entire life (including childhood). When I was a kid I wore a size 6X for a long time. I don't remember any other size until size 12. So, a size 9 would be totally amazing. 
There are so many activities that I'm looking forward to doing both again and for the first time that my surgery will help me achieve. 
I can't wait!