VDB

Agree with all who said you can't control him. All you can control is yourself. I was him for 30 years, then finally, facing loss of mobility for the first time, went in for gastric bypass. Huge health improvements and return of mobility.

You have a choice to make. My wife of almost 40 years chose to focus on herself, her happiness, and chose not to make me feel the pain of shaming, blaming, "real talks" and recruiting others to tell me I was fat. Others choose to leave and refuse to watch their spouse self-destruct. Both are understandable positions. Addiction, food addiction, is a bitch. We have decades of data from addiction treatment which says you can't force others to address their addictions.

Speaking only for me, I would look in the mirror and say "I can only control myself" and then ask "What can I do to make me a better person" followed with "OK me, develop an action plan to focus on my self-improvement and happiness that only involves me -- the only one I can control" Then, even if he gets disabled or dies, you have a life. Modeling health and self care is not a bad thing.

Dub, good lessons being learned. I am with you, I pretty much do not eat out in a normal way anymore, just not worth it. When I do eat out, I just order an appetizer. Now that my weight loss "fast" time is done, I know that weight gain is possible... so being very vigliant about my eating and exercise. I had a major shoulder injury four months ago, but that is better and am able to start swimming again this Monday.

On eating fast -- I was always an inhaler... very fast and very big servings. The stomach will not allow big servings so even with the small serving, I was still eating way too fast. At 5 months, began in earnest to change that habit. Set an old fashioned timer (the one with the avocado green dial and a big ringer) for 20 minutes, and the divided all of my food into thirds, to be eaten at 6-7 minute intervals. Sometimes I would space out and forget, and all of a sudden the food was gone. Finally, now at 10 months, I have my slow going on.... 98% of the time. Whew. Same thing on drinking Water with meals. Big bad habit. Now, never drink 25 before or 30 after, it is finally habit...

Still trying to figure alcohol out. At 10 months, had my first beer last night, actually 1/2 beer, sipped. A 1/4 cup of wine sipped over 30 minutes is my normal. It goes right to my head.

Good question and a good thing to stay on top of. I think that for me, volume had traditionally been my downfall -- eating many of the right foods but my lifelong habit was large amounts of it. With the bypass, my surgeon just said eat 2 cups of food a day, spaced out, my NUT said 80 g. of Protein, 80 oz Water, and always get 5 servings of fruit and veges a day -- this leaves almost no room for any other foods! At 7 weeks, I was really struggling with eating way more than that, the old habit were strong, but I could not eat more than a few oz. at any sitting, but ate more frequently. I gradually changed those habits, and by 14 weeks, was eating totally according to what the NUT said.

I occasionally get sloppy. Like, last visit with the NUT she reviewed ny food record and thought I had too many carbs creeping back into my eating, I agreed and corrected. Now, at 10 months out, am doing very well with three small meals a day, 1-2 Snacks of fruit (small, like 1/2 a small apple), I am past my rapid weight loss, and now losing a few pounds a month, just the level I want (the very rapid loss left me debilitated and out of energy, which is totally back now).

10 months out... I lost about 30% of my hair in months 4 through 8, so just took my normally fairly hippie length hair to a buzz cut for the first time in 55 years. Then, in months 9 through now, it is growing back, but have decided at 65 years old to wear it shorter.

I don't have popcorn very often but when I do it is air popped corn, I don't think the microwave corn is very good for me...

I think it depends on your age and health. I was 64 when I had my bypass, and honestly was not up to traveling for maybe 90 days. Not only due to physical healing, but due to the eating issues of traveling others have mentioned. It takes a minimum of 3 months to establish any new habits.

Not using a seat belt extension is one of the greatest joys of 130# being gone. Whew.

I have a pair of very large foam dumbbells i bought online, they are made by Theraband and have lasted me for five years of vigorous 3x a week use. When I was starting out on swimming (the first regular exercise that ever stuck with me!), they were invaluable, and much more sturdy than the cheap ones at the pool. I now have a comprehensive workout but starting out doing a series of flexibility exercises in the Water made me get started.

I have always been a very cheap date. One small glass of wine or one beer -- right to my head. Strange, because at 6'4" and formerly over 420#, should be able to handle it, but no, never. Now, 120# and 9 months after bypass, I am an even cheaper date. Now, 2-3 oz of wine is it. I don't drink any beer because of how easy a by-pass pouch gets stretched out by carbonated beverages. I have found that I recover very quickly from a bit of intoxication resulting from 2-3 oz of wine, 15-20 minutes at most. Honestly, I would have always liked a great cup of coffee or a great glass of iced tea over any alcohol. Although I am glad I live in Colorado, so we all have our pleasures

I use the XL foam dumbbells and do a series of 13 exercises in deep Water, all are related to muscle strengthening and flexibility. Then, I do laps focused on backstroke, side stroke, and a small amount of crawl or breast stroke. The 13 exercises were adapted from PT I had after back surgery, I also do some deep Water swimming, down 6-10 feet, as it seems to strengthen me in ways that surface swimming does not, and builds wind. I also pretend I am Jacque Cousteau....

I have had some shoulder tendonitis and have had to stop swimming for two months, but with PT can start swimming again next month!!! YES!

good luck Rosemary --- I have a case of shoulder tendonitis and am in PT right now, but getting better... I hope it goes well!

Hi, not sure about that 1600. My (very competent folks) NUT and PA want me at 800-1200 calorie range, but last visit (at 9 month post WLS) NUT said "Don't care about calories! Just get 5 (low sugar) fruits and veges a day and 80 g of Protein and 80 oz of water" This is my mantra now, also exercise of course.

My weight loss has leveled out, too, the spare tire is on 19 inch rims.... but frankly, getting used to the almost 120 pound loss and don't mind too much this slow time, but definitely plan on having that tire gone!

My favorite way to eat cottage cheese?

Slice of fresh Tomato, a little salt and a little pepper.

Mmmmmmm.

Babbs, how soon after surgery did you start eating tomato? I love tomatoes and surgeon said soft veggies are okay, just curious.

I ate tomatoes from 90 days on, with no problems.

I also like hot applesauce with cinnamon and a packet of splenda.... somehow hot it is delicious. 1/2 cup is the amount.

Believe me, OKCPirate, old shrinks know how to fool themselves, having learned from the best of the patients over the years! I am an expert in this! But overall, those things are slipping away, replaced by health and a much much smaller me. I am about to slip under 300 pounds for the first time since 1972.... wahoo!

My go to snack is a few dried apple rings. Very chewy, delicious. I have apple trees and dry the apples myself until they are quite dry, of course nothing added. Plus, it counts as one of my 5 fruits and veges a day. I find the dried apples keep me from eating other things. I know that eating fresh apples is overall better, but I rarely eat just half an apple, but half an apple of dried rings (that is four) lasts quite a while, chewed slowly.

I am close to nine months out. For the first six months, I had only 1/4 cup of black coffee in the morning, but now have worked my way back to a full cup. I always get my 80oz of Water, not counting the coffee. My NUT seemed fine with this when I met with her a few weeks ago.

Same thing happened to me, a week out. My MD and the PA said "No worries" it will be better and even if still sniffling, the surgery could proceed -- the day of surgery it was gone!

I agree with James,the Water is key. I found the nine months of very rapid weight loss to be very debilitating. It was worth it to lose so much weight, but honestly, those nine months (slowed down now) were a blur. The irritability for me came from being tired all the time, and it lifted immediately after the weight loss slowed. I know that I also have had to adjust to this new body and to the reality of not being super obese anymore. As one of my kids told me, "Dad, you think you are normal, but YOU ARE NOT!" This is a huge adjustment. Way to go on the therapist idea, I use several great men friends, but would not hesitate to use a therapist again as needed.

Thanks all of you. I had avoided posting on this topic for some months, but I finally asked for some tips, and your input has been very helpful

The bottom line is that I can't accept any excuse I can create to avoid finishing this weight loss. Stress eating is stupid, I have come a long ways, and it is time to go the last leg. I think that overall I need to dump any guilt about my life vs. hers -- As Dub says, I have to take care of myself if I am going to help her. Yes, as Cowgirl says, it causes alot of anxiety, although not at the clinical level for me, but this level of care giving is stressful, period.

Great ideas, very very useful to this old shrink.

Also, thanks for the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill suggestion. I have worked with NAMI for many years, they are a great resource, but have not reached out to the local chapter, which I will do. Great suggestion.

Thanks for the continuing tips. I work with a faith-based network (volunteer network) and know the mental health resources in the area.

Like many people with mental illness, she is in significant denial about her level of illness. I have encouraged her to reach out via volunteer work and community involvement, but it does not (never) happen. As a psychologist, I know that one's best and worst quality are often the same behavior, and this is true for her. She has fought against being labeled, and has tried to deal with her mental illness through denial. After she got a formal diagnosis, she finally admitted that she had bipolar II, but still is in significant denial -- for example, I do almost 100% of managing the house -- almost all cooking, generate all income, do all cleaning; all outside farm work, pay all bills; but in her mind because she empties the dishwasher, it is an equal distribution. I understand that she does not want to "give in" but the stress level for me is difficult -- she will not accept in-home help. She will not participate in healthy community life, and no one can make her.

No art therapy program, great idea though!!!

Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. Such wonderful support! I have learned some good lessons from reading all of your stories and tips. Foremost, I have to increase my time away from the direct caregiving role. I live in a very rural area without day programs or formal respite, but building in daily time alone is possible. I have a wonderful lab pup who is a joy, and his affection and companionship is a bright spot in every day. Like several of you, I do mourn the loss of my "normal" relationship (not totally sure anything is normal) with my wife and the dominance of the caregiver relationship over the husband relationship.

I have talked with her about the possibility of intimate time, cuddling (sex is likely never happening) but she has a wall of armor that she cannot drop. I know this is self-protection. People with mental illness often build walls around themselves just to survive, and realistically there is no possibility of that changing.

Your stories of sticking with your health were inspiring. I love the analogy of putting my air mask on first, just like on planes. It is so true. I know without me, and my care giving, she would have a much more difficult life. In any big city, the homeless mentally ill are everywhere -- those without support. I show my love for her through this support.

What is clear, and the biggest lesson, is that I have used this stress as an excuse for overeating, for slips, and for backsliding that may eventually ruin my substantial weight loss and keep me from reaching my goal. Stress eating.... an old story for me. I have some great alternatives that are helping. Swimming, walking the lab twice a day, gardening, music, writing, and asking for support.

THANKS! There are many of us who are choosing health, and getting the WLS was/will be an undeniable huge step. I feel so much better.

We eat alot of salmon, both fresh and canned. Fresh, I have two basic recipes.

One, I put a Tablespoon of olive oil on two fillets, rub the thinly sliced fillet with a mix of cayenne, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, chili powder, and thyme. Then, I cook it hot and quick, never ever ever over cooking it, just about four minutes on each side for a 1 inch thick fillet.

Second, I prepare an aluminum foil pouch, grate carrots and onion (you will need two cups of vege for two large fillets), spray the pouch with PAM, pack the veges and a pinch of salt and pepper all over both sides of the fish, then put in the pouch with several slices of lemon. Bake at 450 for about 20 minutes in preheated oven. Sometimes I will put the fish and veges in a large chard leaf, that is also delicious.

Canned, after draining half the liquid in the pink salmon, I mix the full can with two Tablespoons of panko, two eggs, 4 Tablespoons chopped onion, fresh parsley, thyme, and garlic powder. I form thin patties and cook in a bit of olive oil until brown (about 7 minutes first side, 5 after flipping). My NUT wants me to consume a Tablespoon of olive oil a day, which I primarily use with fish. The other version of this, I chop seven or eight fresh raw large shrimp (16 to 20 a pound size), and mix that in with the salmon prior to frying.

WLS is weight loss surgery