His Fairest

I read everything you typed. (Yes, in future use the return character to make MUCH shorter paragraphs -- those are hard to read.)
But girl, I hear you! Loud and clear!
And just so no one gets confused, I'm the one in our marriage who has had WLS. And my husband is the perfect model of a supportive spouse. So I'm not coming at this from any projection that you're in my situation. Because you're not.
Sweetheart, you are hooked up with a playah! And he is playing you like a violin.
He's played you for money. He's played you for support. And you're not even getting laid in return.
I will say one thing loud and clear. You better not marry this dude. I doubt you are perfect either (none of us is). But it's so clear to me that the two of you together are not really fighting about weight or eating or gym behavior -- his or yours. You are fighting about your needs to control each other.
And he's winning.
Worst of all, I find it TERRIBLE that while you're literally giving him a home and paying for all of that and while you're planning to marry this guy that you and he are not making your financial decisions together.
Get the hell out of there. Now.
(As always, these are my two cents. Others' mileage may vary.)

You remind me of my husband. And this similar behaviour is precisely why I choose not to talk to him about my choice to have surgery. Sorry, but I think you need to back off a bit.

I agree with the others, there's a whole lot going on here and you need professional help.
The one thing I would NOT do is to get married with things the way they are now.

@@ButterflyMiss - You need couples counseling. From what I gather you have multiple issues to deal with. We are not therapist here. We are people at various stages of weight loss trying to support each other around that and your issues appear to run deeper than that. Get to a counselor. If he won't go, you go alone.
I wish we could help you, but your situation appears to go beyond the scope of what this forum is designed for.

I tried to read through most of this but found it difficult going. Paragraphs are our friends!
You asked, so here is what I think.
His journey is his journey and your journey is your journey. You can't control him anymore than he can control you.
Since you are engaged and living together I would suggest you consider individual counseling for yourself and couples pre-marital counseling together.
It's great that you are learning as much as you can about what he is going through.
You can be loving and supportive while respecting each other's boundaries.

So, I am hanging out right at my goal weight, which is higher than my lowest weight. I knew this was very likely to happen and so on the one hand, i am okay with it, but on the other hand, I feel fatigued by it. I know that I need to stabilize/re-lose a few pounds to keep that "cushion" between me and the 200s or 300s.... but I grow tired of it sometimes
In the past, that seemed very do-able. Buckle down, go back to basics, do Protein first, do 5:2, change up exercise. For whatever reason, right now, while it seems possible I had one of those pity parties where I asked myself what is fair about me eating a pittance of food, spinning on my bike and yet still struggling to keep a normal weight. I watch others eat a whole lot more than me and I sometimes want to eat with abandon too. The thought crossed my mind... is this REALLY worth it?!??!???
Then, I thought about the people I was comparing my eating to. Example - I went into the office yesterday and did a day long workshop so got to see people eat lunches - large portions and of course Cookies for snack later. The two ladies i sat next to are considerably younger than me - one is obese and the other is morbidly obese by my judgement. I had to remind myself that they are still healthy, but they are heading down my former path and I cannot let myself go back or else i go back to feeling ill, feeling like i was becoming disabled, feeling hopeless.
Anyway, it is worth it, but this is the first time I have ever really questioned it. I think I understand a bit more why people regain years out from surgery. We all know that you have to maintain a healthy lifestyle etc but I am telling you - my experience is that "lifestyle changes" UNDERSTATES the level of effort required. I don't even really eat junk food, but I still need to really watch what I eat - this is beyond "healthy choices" this is eating very small, eating the right things very consistently or else I will regain. This whole thing about an average healthy woman needing 1800-2000 calories a day to maintain is bogus. i don't eat anywhere near that and I know many of my fellow vets that are maintaining don't either.
So, as I used to say, but haven't in awhile...."carry on... what choice do we really have?"

Yay!!

I hope to have mine in March.

Talked to dr yesterday told me your six month nut visit is actually 7 I was hoping for March but it won't be till April ????but that's all ok it'll be here soon enough can't wait

March or April. Last nutrition appointment next month. Hoping for approval soon after that

When month do you think you will be having surgery?

i am now 7 months post op. Doing good. feeling awesome. but i have stalled right out. scale is barely moving, and it's sometimes 0.5 up, then 0.5 down, then maybe 1 down, then 0.5 up again...
feeling very frustrated. i know part of it is that my exercise has slowed down a lot. going to re-commit to exercise twice a day again TODAY. also going to try and start writing down everything again.
i know my capacity has increased a bit so i am eating a little more than i did a couple of months ago, and that may be accounting for more calories a day than I want.
just wanting to stop in and put this in writing for accountability! hope everyone is doing well

199!!! I haven't seen that number in 12 years!!! WOOOWHOOO!!!

1) Absolutely. I had so well prepared myself that it was relatively easy to adopt to different foods, different ways of doing thing. I wasn't even scared going under that I had made a mistake. Never once have I wished I hadn't done it. It is just such a relief to be freed of weight gain worries. Course I am only 4 months out, but it has become such a lifestyle it is like it never happened - I just eat a lot less than I used to and keep getting healthier.
2) Wish I had been prepared for additional hormonal changes. Although I had be menopausal for years, it appears I have had a reversal of all that.

I'm a month out now, and like you I did a lot of research pre and post op. Over nutrition, exercise, people's experiences, etc.
1) I would absolutely commit to doing this again. Personally I experienced pain from the gas in abdominal cavity after surgery only for a day and a half. It was incredible intense and bad, and thankful very short lived. Only the day of surgery did my stomach reject Water, just like the first week I started to introduced carbs in. My stomach is very clear when it isn't happy, but if I eased back and gave it even a few days it would be fine personally. My incisions are even fully healed over.
2) I was not expecting the swings in energy. If I am getting everything I need, I'm like an energizer bunny. I can go jog a few miles and be sad I'm holding myself back. And really love it, which I never thought anything like that would be my thing.
Reversely if I don't get what I need. Skip a meal on accident. Had trouble with a shake (look up tons of recipes now), or have to adjust my intake. I pretty quickly feel it. It's not hunger, it's more my energy levels will plummet if I don't follow my schedule. And then I'm now where near as motivated to go do stuff.
Overall, it's your body and you will figure out what's the best for it. You might react completely different.

1. I would absolutely do this again. I'm two years out and could have never lost and kept this weight off.
2. I was surprised at how difficult the recovery was for me. I had a mild post op infection and I never got a quick increase in energy. It was very gradual and took months. The most shocking thing for me was how little I need to eat to lose and maintain my weight loss. I need less than 900 to lose. I was also pleasantly surprised that the sleeve makes that possible with a reasonable amount of effort.

1. In a heartbeat
2. Hmmm many surprises over the last 13 months. Maybe the most surprising is my tastes have literally changed and I crave things I was never keen on and have aversions to things I used to love. Also being grossed out by what/how much/how fast those around me eat sometimes. Oh and the fact that I had an inner athlete! Who knew?
I had very little pain (much better than my c section) and a comfortable recovery and no throwing up or anything, though there were some foods that gave my stomach issues early on and a few (rice notably) that still do.

If you do eat out often, you may need to find someone to split it with (which is great) or expect leftovers.
My grocery bill is a fraction of what it used to be. So many benefits outside of health.

heres my two cents, if you asked me about two weeks after surgery id have said no, im 5 weeks out now and though it is hard the results are amazing, and not just the weight. through this process i have seen my other health issues just go away. i had poor circulation ( venous insufficiency) in my legs but that is all but gone now, my asthma is a million times better, my sleep apnea has become almost an afterthought, my back pain is much much less than before. my knee pain is so lessened that i ride 7 to 10 miles on a stationary bike now. i had owned three canes, they have been retired. as hard as it was or well is. you cannot deny results.
my biggest surprise is a tie between how little i can actually eat, and these few weeks how fast you lose and how much, i know its still the honeymoon but man those days of 2+ pound loss are so much fun. That and seeing the dramatic changes in my body already.

Congrats on your success. I'd LOVE to not be so hungry.
What I'm looking forward to is getting back into the gym. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety from an emotionally abusive situation I was in and I gained so much weight this year that going to the gym is now painful instead of something I love. Now that THAT situation is over - I'm ready for a new life in every way. I'm ready to be a new woman!

Glad you have changed your life. An ounce, eh? Wow.

1. YES
2. As time goes on, I have to remind myself I actually had the surgery. My worries about what would change were unfounded.

Your success is inspiring! Thank you for responding. I'm learning by "listening" to people who have gone before me in this that it takes time and that slow and steady really does win the race. As for the emotional eating - I think this is going to be a big wake-up call for me...but I think it will probably prompt me to journal more and (eventually) to take my frustrations on a long run through the local park. I used to love to run when I was thinner.
Best wishes to you, and congrats on the new you. :-)

I didnt read the comments but heres mine..HELL YEA!!! ABSOLUTLY!! my relationship with food is I eat to live an not live to eat!! 6 months out an living!

Yes I would do it again, 1 week out today. Im surprised by how much energy I have. Pain isnt near as bad as I thought it would be. I do missing being able to guzzle fluids. I normally drink a ton of Water, tea ect. so sipping slowly is not quenching my thirst.