Tierra T Tij

Too much anxiety and stress:

So lately thanks to COVID 19 (I don't have it though been trying to stay safe and healthy) I've been having severe anxiety and panic attacks lately. I've always had this problem but it's getting worse so as a result I've been having bad insomnia and getting sleep is hard for me right now. I wish it were easier but it's a work in progress AGAIN. I thought I got over this hump a while ago and was getting sleep but now my insomnia is back in full spring and I hate it! My grandmother is also moving on Tuesday and that is also stressing me out because I'll have no family nearby since everybody is in other states now thanks to California being too high. It makes me so sad man! But I am seeing her today on Monday for the last time before she leaves on Tuesday this week.

Having a tough time today:

I'm writing this because I feel like I hit a tough spot because I went to the doctor recently to find out I gained 11 pounds in less than 1 week. I was eating healthy, drinking tons of water and exercise only to gain 11 pounds which saddens me. I gained because my endocrinologist says I have hypothyroidism along with polycystic ovarian cyst syndrome not to mention my thyroid is REALLY off sync so I gain weight very quickly on top of taking lithium/latuda which also fights against my thyroid to make me obsessively gain weight. So I've been kind of frantic trying to find something that works along with gastric bypass. It's funny my family thought it was a easy way out but it's not by far easy at all, it seems to be harder than before surgery but it's worth it in the end I just have count my blessings and be happy of the little things.

Fighting with the mirror and myself AGAIN!:

Today I just couldn't bear to look at myself. It's hard to take my body as it is and say "I'll lose more again, just not as quick as I thought" but I guess I am inpatient because of my foot pain/injury which made me want to get gastric bypass in the first place because of my severe foot pain which has not gone away. I know that might be a life long thing but I just wish that the pain was so much less, I'm hoping after I get to my ideal weight or somewhere close my feet will feel so much better but I just feel like I hit a plateau and feel hopeless/sad. 

My Body Image Issues:

07/20/18 Friday

I am writing this because it seems like no matter how hard I do love myself and have confidence it's like it's hard to believe the words I say and also my old eating disorder/OCD mind tends to take over sometimes and before I know it I'm counting EVERY food that I eat and feeling very fat/freaking out. I'm trying to do my affirmations everyday and fix myself up nice to make myself feel better but it seems like nothing makes me feel better and I go back to either these bad thoughts or I want to self harm to heal myself or randomly yell at people. I get no stress release from my frustrations thus I become even more OCD spend and have other  bad addictions besides OCD'ing on the food I eat like overly exercise until my feet really blister or hurt or over spend on items I think I need to feel a void. I'm tired of putting myself through the ringer but it feels like nothing is never ever enough for me and I'm always searching for answers in the wrong places.

Weight Loss Surgery Update:

Today is the day after my Gastric Bypass Surgery which was 05/15/18! I was very scared and had like a million different emotions but overall I wouldn't trade it in for the world. I'm still kind of in pain even with the painkillers they gave me and have to take benadryl to counteract my allergies to painkillers so I don't itch myself to death. I'm  living off of my clear liquid diet and still cannot seem to go to the bathroom, now that part is miserable! I wish I could do number 2 but I guess my body is just healing and right now it's hard to do number 1 let alone to due to the medications they gave me. I feel like I'm going to start updating my status more and keep updating also by pictures too. I wish everybody luck who is also getting their surgery this month or in the near future!

Well, I am breezing through, after 3 times of trial and error/ trying when it comes to referrals for weight lost surgery 4 years of headache, changes of insurance, diets, pains, ups and downs (a whole lot of them!). It finally paid off and my surgery is May 15th of this month. I've been doing my liquid diet and it's going okay, I'm trying to remember to take my vitamins and do stuff right. I had a smart watch with a timer/log for my meds,food,water, and exercise that synced to my phone but I don't know how that well I use it so instead I just have a log I put on my fridge now. I think I'm going to call this year "The Year Of Self Care and Improvements" because I REALLY want to live up to that. I feel VERY alone though and I've lost friends and family due to my decision to have weight loss surgery and also the fact that I don't go out much because I don't want to be tempted/go back to old habits right now and I guess that's another reason why I lost connections. But I just see it this way maybe some of those people don't deserve me because I have high hopes for the future and it doesn't involve those fake people who said they would be there for me until the end. But I'd rather love/learn to love myself because in the end that's all I have, I'm a lone wolf but it's okay I'll find people worthy of my time and efforts someday.

I cannot sleep ugh so decided to write to my feed...

I keep on crying and do not know why, but at least I am in better spirits than I was in 2014 but to me any progress is good progress I guess.