*Lexie*

Greetings, all!
I think my take-away from Alex's post is this: "Be ever mindful that you communicate on this forum from a place of positive intent, and do your best to consider the impact it will have on the other person. Let this guide the manner in which you engage in this forum." In other words, this isn't the place to be a jerk. In a nutshell, that's the conclusion I came to. Works for me.

Thanks, Alex, I had been thinking about the same ideas this past week.
It especially makes my blood boil when someone responds to a post with "well if you're thinking of doing that then I question your commitment to weight loss." I think it is really not a helpful response. You don't have enough information to make that call. I'm sure it is not too difficult to get your point across without suggesting someone is destined to be a weight loss failure.

I started the BariatricPal forums to create a safe place for everyone in the weight loss surgery community. It is for pre-op and post-op patients, for patients of all types of WLS, and for anyone who supports the WLS community. I want you to be able to come here for advice, encouragement, support, and information without worrying about being judged.
I have a zero-tolerance policy for rudeness, and you can see the guidelines in the Forum Rules.
Recently, there have been several instances of members being disrespectful or downright rude. Examples include:
Stating or implying that a poster is doomed to failure or not ready for WLS because he or she asked a certain question or is engaged in a certain behavior. Telling people that your way is the only way, and any other way means the member deserves WLS failure. Discriminating against “newbies,” such as letting a newbie know that you don’t think he or she will succeed, or asking only “vets” to reply to a certain thread. (Reminder: you can always choose not to follow the advice of someone you deem unqualified to give it). The vast majority of BariatricPal members do a phenomenal job making BariatricPal the warm, friendly community that I dreamed of when I started it. Thank you! Besides being sure to be polite and respectful, here are some additional ways to help.
If you see an offensive post, please consider the following.
You do not need to respond. Instead of giving a rude answer and escalating the situation, you can simply choose not to answer. You can report the post by clicking on the “Report” option under the post. A forum moderator will look into the situation and may delete the post or ban the member if the member continues to post inappropriately. You can send the member a private message explaining that you felt the post was inappropriate, and explaining why. In many cases, you may be surprised that the member did not even realize he or she was being rude. Please also think twice before you respond to any questions or other posts. It is possible that you could write a post that is genuinely meant to be helpful, but the person could accidentally interpret your post the wrong way. Try to remember that:
It is very difficult to communicate a specific tone in writing. You may write something that you think is helpful and understanding, while someone reading it might take it as bossy or judgmental. Emoticons such as smiley faces can help. You can also add a sentence to explain that you are only offering a suggestion or sharing your own experience and that you are not trying to judge the OP. The OP might be in a vulnerable situation. They may be panicking about a worrisome symptom. They may be in turmoil about whether to get WLS. They may be freaking out about a stall. When they’re upset, it’s easier for them to misinterpret your well-meaning post. Thank you for doing your best to keep the environment at BariatricPal positive, encouraging, and open. We all need a place to go for help and support, and I want the entire weight loss surgery to feel comfortable using BariatricPal for advice and encouragement.

Oh my gosh- thank you both, @Djmohr and @@VSGAnn2014 - this is so helpful, and I feel in good company with such thoughtful and seasoned vets as you.
Ann, I'm so sorry for the grief, illness and roller coast this time has been for you, and I'm in awe of how beautifully you are living from your depth and strength, and not from some of those other options. The therapeutic route is so powerful, and so often dodged or overlooked because it's really hard work. Heck even finding a good therapist you like working with is hard work. Nice to hear the story of it working so well. What an inspiration you are!
Djmohr, awful that it's so painful - and that they don't give the straight story often about how bad it might be! Thanks for your honesty. I've been feeling quietly sorry for myself because my financial life doesn't allow for even the possibility of doing it (unless of course I win the lottery, which will be especially unlikely since I don't buy tickets!). The pain sounds pretty lousy, so I should at least take heart that I won't have to live through the ouch-part, just my flapping bat-wings, droopy kangaroo pouch-like thing and my thigh skin running down my legs, (chased only by my saggy breasts).
I backslid last summer on vacation and gained 25 lbs--I was horrified and stopped myself, and am now finally past the low weight from before my lapse. No longer feel like I'm "re-losing" the same pounds anyway. I'm worried about maintenance some, since for me to lose has meant being super rigid about my macros staying consistent every day. Granted I like that it's working, just not sure how much the motivation will flag once it's to stay the same instead of see the reward of weight loss.
I'll count on you all for guidance! Thanks for starting this conversation @Julie norton - so glad we can ask you Super-Vets to weigh in on these longer term things.

Great topic, @@katesuccess ....
Yesterday I saw my therapist. And next month (August 2016) is my second surgiversary.
BTW, I started seeing my therapist just over two years ago when I told him I was committing to see him for three years: (1) the year of losing weight, (2) the year of maintaining weight, and (3) the year of boring real life. I found a therapist at the urging of my primary care physician who, a year before I had WLS, told me he'd support me in having WLS, but that he thought I really, really, really needed to spend time in therapy to understand better why I was so piss-poor at caring for myself. (He'd seen me lose/gain/lose/gain/lose/gain ... you get the idea ... for many years.)
Anyway, as we've all seen / heard from those who are further out than you and I are Year Three can be a real bugaboo! @@Julie norton -- you're such a long-time vet (you're 8 years post-op) that you've seen and heard it all, I bet. Anyway, I expect that Year Three won't be like Year Two, during which I learned to maintain pretty easily for me. I've been at 135 pounds (from 133 - 137) for the last 6 months -- but mostly at 135.
So back to my therapist, I reminded him of where we are -- entering The Year of Boring Real Life. Actually, it's not all that boring. Lots of changes here: Since WLS, hubby has had cancer and been through two rounds of chemo, a round of radiation and is now going through more radiation. I've retired. We've moved twice. My mother died. Hubby's dad died. We lost an adult child to a stroke. We lost two pets to disease. Sounds terrible, doesn't it?
Actually, it's not been as terrible as you'd think. We've learned so much about acceptance, adapting, trusting, resilience, and being present in this moment and not ruminating. Believe me, we aren't "there" yet, but I truly believe we're both in a better place spiritually and psychologically than we were five years ago. Life sometimes does that to you.
I don't think this post was even responsive to either of your posts. In any event, thanks for posting and listening.
Anybody want to say anything else?
P.S. Just saw your post too, @@Djmohr . Thanks for the straight scoop about brachioplasty.

I feel that way too some days when I sign on and look at 'new content'. The advice is downright scary sometimes, but mostly it feels like a tone thing. Then I switch and cruise through Rants and Raves and Vets and it's usually better.
SO - here's my recent 'years out' issue; I'm two years from my VS, and this week finally hit a number that means I'm only 20 lbs from goal, (yay!) and was surprised at some of the thoughts I've had about that:
Not much fear about not hitting it, because I'm so much happier now with my body, that if I don't get to 145 it's just not the end of the world, but still I wonder if I can. Although things are going well and not too hard right now, I'm wondering how hard maintenance will be, since I've never ever managed to do it for more than about a nanosecond it seems! I'm knowing I may not look that good at a lower weight, and am dreading people who say not to lose any more or offer helpful council about what I should weigh. If it's too low for me and I go up a little bit, will I even be able to stop going up, up, up? All things I know rationally are manageable, and yet still provoked a gut-clench response following my immediate thrill of realizing I'm getting close. And final issue now that I'm two years out--When the heck will it cease to interest people to talk about my weight!?! Good grief people, can we talk about Orlando, Dallas, Nice, and the horrifyingly long list of such things? Heck, I might even rather talk politics than weight in public. Sigh.

Maybe I'm just cranky because I just went to a big party wearing a cute dress that showed how successful this has been for me --in nice appropriate ways-- and I swear almost every person in the room felt the need to comment!

Great topic, I enjoyed reading through it. I'm one of those that has gone away because I really stopped getting a benefit from the forum. I look forward to the new veteran's forum. I'm finding all sorts of new challenges as I finish my 2nd year and would certainly benefit from the expertise of those that have gone before me. Like most everyone here, I want sustained success after my surgery. And of course, it's great to read posts from those of you that have been helping me from the beginning.

Great topic, I enjoyed reading through it. I'm one of those that has gone away because I really stopped getting a benefit from the forum. I look forward to the new veteran's forum. I'm finding all sorts of new challenges as I finish my 2nd year and would certainly benefit from the expertise of those that have gone before me. Like most everyone here, I want sustained success after my surgery. And of course, it's great to read posts from those of you that have been helping me from the beginning.

Ok vets....
Happy Independence Day.....from ?
A former life? A former weight? A different attitude toward food? A NEW you?
Enjoy
I will say my life is vastly different from 9 1/2 years ago! I may have gotten the hang of this!!

I would certainly like to hear from the veteran veterans about ways to overcome the struggles that come up at those 3 , 4, 5 year marks. i keep getting hints that things are gonna change, so am feeling a little apprehensive as I approach the 3 year mark. I think details about the new challenges and advice from those that have been there done that would be extremely helpful in preparing for the future. I welcome your advice.

Here's the love!!!!
Oh wait...
I'm not an 18 month post-op veteran...
The love is leaving and will return on August 25...
Good bye!!!!

Speaking only for myself -- my desire for a veterans forum doesn't come from an "elitist" position. My needs are literally different than they were over 2 years ago when I was still pre-op or 6 months later when I was still in the "honeymoon" period of losing weight. They're even different than when I first hit my weight goal of 150 pounds.
I certainly don't think that I cannot learn things from those who are younger-tenured re WLS than I am.
Nor do I imagine I'll muzzle myself and never post on a thread about alcohol or Protein levels or the honeymoon period or sip-sip-sipping or vitamins/minerals or slider foods or the need to move into exercise carefully or the hundreds of other topics that newbies need and want advice about.
What I'm hoping to gain from the veterans forum is a more vibrant veteran community and participation and advice from veterans who (if you read this whole thread, you've already learned) are indicating they would spend more time at BP if there were a place where more WLS veterans were hanging out.
Surely everyone of any WLS tenure will benefit more from a message board where more veterans stick around, right?
For the record, "newbie" isn't a slur -- it's a description of someone who's new to a particular activity. Someone who hasn't had WLS yet (but is planning to have WLS) is clearly a WLS newbie. People who are new to maintenance are maintenance newbies. And people who are newly "veterans" are, I suppose, veteran newbies.

Yes, yes, yes... the beast is here! <stretches, scratches her fur, sniffs her bottom and armpits>
You lovely lot. I have missed you too.
And thank you for the very kind words of those who have taken inspiration/umbrage at my vomitorium of inane witterings.
So, whats been happening in the world (of bariatric stuff - I'd be here all year discussing international politics...)
Although in saying that, if we talked about American politics, I might vomit my way to losing those 22lbs, thinking of the bad-haired idiot currently running for the big seat...
(Yes, the vomit joke was in poor taste, before anyone jumps on me saying 'beat the insensitive clod! She's evil!)
Ooh, this seat is familiar and comfortable. I might sit in it for a while.
Right, whose round is it?

Yeah yeah...
That's what they all say...
You'll all go off and forget us...
Forget where you came from...
You'll talk about us...
Tease us...
But that's ok...
Because on Aug 27, when my 18 months is up -
I'll be there to sort you all out!!!!

I like the idea, but now that most people use this site from their mobile apps - it doesn't work that well. Example, i post something in the vets forum aimed at people who are a long ways out from surgery. We banter - you know the stuff that people talk about. Then, because it shows up under "new posts" someone clicks on it, doesnt even realize they are in the vets forum (or rants, or singles etc) and takes offense. This happened to me - quite awhile ago I made a post in the singles forum that offended someone deeply; among other things, she felt that my comments were not in any way helping WLS support. I wasn't posting about WLS, but of course that person didn't realize it was a specialized forum.
I am actually kind of done with it all.

Want to know the funny thing? I don't even feel like a vet. I'm still trying to figure out this maintenence thing!

Some first-impression thoughts:
What about a couple of qualification criteria?
1. To me the most important qualification criterion for veteran status and forum participation should be the length of time since their surgery date. For me, 18 months seems about right. FTR, I can't imagine that anyone other than a complete loon would lie about their surgery date just to troll a veterans forum.
2. I don't think it's critical or even relevant that the person has been a member of this board for a long period of time -- measured either by time on the board or number of posts made on the board. Yes, they should have been around long enough to understand the community and to give members a sense of the veteran's ability to contribute. But those "longevity" bars should be set fairly low. I'm purely spit-wadding here, but am thinking at least 1 month and at least 50 posts.
Finally, the value of such a forum would be that veterans who know their way around WLS could seek and receive input from other veterans who also know their way around WLS.
I don't mean for this to sound "elitist," but some of the least helpful threads here are those in which a veteran who's struggling with regain or physical changes (maybe even late-stage complications) or life stresses have asked for input -- and people who aren't even 6 months post-op or, worse, haven't yet had WLS, chime in with irrelevant comments, advice, or distracting newbie questions.
Finally, for anyone reading this thread who wonders why there's a need for such a veterans-only forum, here's why: Veterans don't hang around any message board to answer the same newbie questions over and over. Newer members 6-12 months out can handle those kinds of questions.
But just like newbies, veterans need support for THEIR issues. If they don't get that support here, they leave. If that happens, no one will be available to address the questions of those who are approaching maintenance -- which, IMHO, is even more challenging than the weight loss phases.
My two cents' worth.

Great post! I have discovered that I have a cycle of losing really well for around 2 weeks and then 2 weeks or so of no weight loss. I have had to remind myself a few times to take a deep breath and just keep doing what I'm doing and not go crazy and try something radical to get the weight loss going again. It all evens out.
And I'd rather have a stall than a gain any day. :-)

I'm just going to put this out there. Surgery to lose "only" 90lbs could be the difference between living another 20 years versus living another 40 years. Is it worth it if you could extend your life by 20 years?

I am definitely number 3 and have even read a few books on the topic and gone to classes at my doctor's office. Even with all that, I feel like a baby learning to walk. I fall down a lot. But it's a process and I'm trying to undo years of bad thinking and habits. I definitely feel that number 3 is the hardest path to follow but will lead to permanent change.

I'm just going to put this out there. Surgery to lose "only" 90lbs could be the difference between living another 20 years versus living another 40 years. Is it worth it if you could extend your life by 20 years?

Here's the thing, they can't talk you out of it after you have it. The longer you wait, the harder they'll try. But once it's over, they'll come around.
As for the easy way out comment, I would encourage others to have their root canal (insert any painful procedure here) without numbing medication because after all, isn't that taking the easy way out??

I'm just going to put this out there. Surgery to lose "only" 90lbs could be the difference between living another 20 years versus living another 40 years. Is it worth it if you could extend your life by 20 years?

Great post! I have discovered that I have a cycle of losing really well for around 2 weeks and then 2 weeks or so of no weight loss. I have had to remind myself a few times to take a deep breath and just keep doing what I'm doing and not go crazy and try something radical to get the weight loss going again. It all evens out.
And I'd rather have a stall than a gain any day. :-)

I'm just going to put this out there. Surgery to lose "only" 90lbs could be the difference between living another 20 years versus living another 40 years. Is it worth it if you could extend your life by 20 years?