livvsmum

Yes, there are some days I can eat more than other days. Typically I find that if I eat a lot of Protein and very few carbs one day, the next day I have a lot of restriction and can't eat much. If I eat a lot of carbs or sugary foods the one day, then the next I am hungry and want to eat everything in sight. That's just the pattern I've seen in myself....

Great job everyone! We all look awesome!!! :-)
Here's my most recent pic! Almost 8 months post op now. 120 pounds lost, 13 to go to goal!!!

I'm pretty close to your stats. I am 5'7" with a starting weight of 278
day of surgery - 270
3 months post - 215.8
6 months post - 179.4
Today (almost 8 months post) - 159.6

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

I had my appt with the hematologist yesterday. She was very good & made me feel a lot better about things. I have to go in on Tuesday next week. They are going to do a blood transfusion to give my blood volume a quick boost and a series of weekly IV Iron infusions. After that in about 10 weeks she will re-check my levels. She said that she hasn't had anyone who has had to have more weekly infusions after that, but then again she said she has never had anyone with Iron as low as mine....basically non-existent. She said she will also test my B12 when she re-tests after the infusions, but doesn't want to do it now because she doesn't want me to lose anymore blood, not even for a blood test. Finally, she said that I may need to do this every 6 months or a year long-term if my body never finds a way to absorb iron. I'm actually pretty excited because at least I have a plan of attack and she said I am going to feel 100% better. Thank goodness!

Great job everyone! We all look awesome!!! :-)
Here's my most recent pic! Almost 8 months post op now. 120 pounds lost, 13 to go to goal!!!

Great job everyone! We all look awesome!!! :-)
Here's my most recent pic! Almost 8 months post op now. 120 pounds lost, 13 to go to goal!!!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

Today I had an "ah-ha" moment. It took 4 years, but I think I get it! It was triggered by this before photo popping up in my Facebook memories from 5 years ago, (coupled with my most recent post-op photo taken last week, down 120 pounds since surgery in 2013). (attached below)
....And then reading the following quote on a friend's post:
"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were in the first place."
I've struggled for years since losing the weight after surgery with questions of "is this the 'real' me, or am I just pretending and the 'real' 'fat' me will resurface sooner or later?" "Can people really change long-term?" It felt like the obese, sad, self-hating "me" was a monster waiting just below the surface to re-emerge. Give enough time and the right circumstances, the "real me" monster will rear it's head and I'll find myself back at nearly 300 pounds.
Guys! I get it now! It's not about change. It's not about the "sticking power" of change. It's not about willpower or determination. It's not even about counting carbs, Protein, calories, and ounces of Water. Sure those are tools that help. But it's not about that.
It's about doing the hard emotional work to figure out why I was hiding myself behind 150 excess pounds. It was about allowing myself to have a voice and using it. It was about demanding self-respect and respect from others. It was about leaving behind, painfully as it was in some cases, the toxic people in my life who emotionally damaged me. It was about processing the feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel for 18 years.
Once I realized this, once I did this work, I could little by little shed the layers that hid who I was. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not even angry at myself for letting myself get to be 300 pounds like I was when my journey started. I realize now that I was coping. I was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I look at that person in the "before" picture below and I feel compassion because I know she did her best.
I'm able now to let go the "fear" - and trust me, it's a literal fear - of that "real me" monster re-emerging from just below the surface. I can let it go because I realize, this is the real me. It was actually opposite. It was all the hiding I was doing under the emotional eating and the 150 excess pounds that was hiding the "real me."
So I have to on some level disagree with those who say this is a process of change. Sure, you have to change your behavioral choices with food and exercise or none of this will work. But for me it was not "becoming a new person" or "changing" who I am as a person. For me it was about simply allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to return home to who I was before I was hurt and who the universe intends me to be.
Feel free to check out my blog linked in my signature for more of my journey!

I lost 140 pounds with my surgery and then became severely anemic needing hospitalization. During this time I was not able to exercise and was too lethargic to really care about much, so I regained about 20 pounds. I went to see my weight management clinic physician and she prescribed me phentermine to "kick start" my weight loss. I've only been on it a month and I started with the very lowest dosage (15mg). I haven't had any negative side effects at all and have lost 7 pounds. I actually have my monthly check in with her and will likely increase dosage to 30mg since I've tolerated the lower dosage well.

Wow! My 4 year surgiversary came and went this past week! I lost a total of 130 (136 pounds as of today) pounds, which puts me at 2 pounds above my lowest post-sleeve weight of 124 pounds, and I'm ok with that!
I remember in the first 2years post op feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to wake up one morning and have gained all the weight back. But I'm realizing now that I've maintained this new normal for 4 years. That is significant! That is not a fad; that is not a passing whim; that is a new normal.
Do you know how I knew this for sure? I didn't even realize it had been 4 years since my surgery this month until someone else said something. I'm no longer counting the pounds lost (I actually needed a calculator for this post) and I'm no longer counting the months post op. In fact there are a lot of days I forget altogether that I had surgery.
It's not that I'm not eating the bariatric diet or that I'm doing what I want. It's just a perspective change. I still use myfitness pal nearly every day to count my carbs and my Protein and my Water, but I know that this keeps me honest and accountable. I don't eat whatever I want. I probably never do. But I no longer avoid social settings where there might be food, I no longer stress if I have 18 peanut halves instead of 17. I no longer hate myself for wearing a 6 instead of a 4.
It took a whole lot of freaking emotional work, 4 years of weekly therapy, and a lot of willingness to put in the time and energy to change.
For those of you looking for some updated progress pics, here is me from a girls' week we just had in Mexico. I basically spent the week in a string bikni which is not something I ever thought I would do. Were there girls that looked way more amazing than I did? Hell yes! But they most likely did not birth 4 children or torture their bodies through ganing and losing 130 pounds. A body doesn't just forgive you for that. You live with the saggy skin in spots, with the stretchmarks on the otherwise flat stomach because that is life and not because you have failed. It is because you've lived, and struggled, and won, and left when you needed to leave, and stayed when you needed to stay, and you demanded more from yourself and you demanded better.

Wow! My 4 year surgiversary came and went this past week! I lost a total of 130 (136 pounds as of today) pounds, which puts me at 2 pounds above my lowest post-sleeve weight of 124 pounds, and I'm ok with that!
I remember in the first 2years post op feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to wake up one morning and have gained all the weight back. But I'm realizing now that I've maintained this new normal for 4 years. That is significant! That is not a fad; that is not a passing whim; that is a new normal.
Do you know how I knew this for sure? I didn't even realize it had been 4 years since my surgery this month until someone else said something. I'm no longer counting the pounds lost (I actually needed a calculator for this post) and I'm no longer counting the months post op. In fact there are a lot of days I forget altogether that I had surgery.
It's not that I'm not eating the bariatric diet or that I'm doing what I want. It's just a perspective change. I still use myfitness pal nearly every day to count my carbs and my Protein and my Water, but I know that this keeps me honest and accountable. I don't eat whatever I want. I probably never do. But I no longer avoid social settings where there might be food, I no longer stress if I have 18 peanut halves instead of 17. I no longer hate myself for wearing a 6 instead of a 4.
It took a whole lot of freaking emotional work, 4 years of weekly therapy, and a lot of willingness to put in the time and energy to change.
For those of you looking for some updated progress pics, here is me from a girls' week we just had in Mexico. I basically spent the week in a string bikni which is not something I ever thought I would do. Were there girls that looked way more amazing than I did? Hell yes! But they most likely did not birth 4 children or torture their bodies through ganing and losing 130 pounds. A body doesn't just forgive you for that. You live with the saggy skin in spots, with the stretchmarks on the otherwise flat stomach because that is life and not because you have failed. It is because you've lived, and struggled, and won, and left when you needed to leave, and stayed when you needed to stay, and you demanded more from yourself and you demanded better.

Wow! My 4 year surgiversary came and went this past week! I lost a total of 130 (136 pounds as of today) pounds, which puts me at 2 pounds above my lowest post-sleeve weight of 124 pounds, and I'm ok with that!
I remember in the first 2years post op feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to wake up one morning and have gained all the weight back. But I'm realizing now that I've maintained this new normal for 4 years. That is significant! That is not a fad; that is not a passing whim; that is a new normal.
Do you know how I knew this for sure? I didn't even realize it had been 4 years since my surgery this month until someone else said something. I'm no longer counting the pounds lost (I actually needed a calculator for this post) and I'm no longer counting the months post op. In fact there are a lot of days I forget altogether that I had surgery.
It's not that I'm not eating the bariatric diet or that I'm doing what I want. It's just a perspective change. I still use myfitness pal nearly every day to count my carbs and my Protein and my Water, but I know that this keeps me honest and accountable. I don't eat whatever I want. I probably never do. But I no longer avoid social settings where there might be food, I no longer stress if I have 18 peanut halves instead of 17. I no longer hate myself for wearing a 6 instead of a 4.
It took a whole lot of freaking emotional work, 4 years of weekly therapy, and a lot of willingness to put in the time and energy to change.
For those of you looking for some updated progress pics, here is me from a girls' week we just had in Mexico. I basically spent the week in a string bikni which is not something I ever thought I would do. Were there girls that looked way more amazing than I did? Hell yes! But they most likely did not birth 4 children or torture their bodies through ganing and losing 130 pounds. A body doesn't just forgive you for that. You live with the saggy skin in spots, with the stretchmarks on the otherwise flat stomach because that is life and not because you have failed. It is because you've lived, and struggled, and won, and left when you needed to leave, and stayed when you needed to stay, and you demanded more from yourself and you demanded better.

Wow! My 4 year surgiversary came and went this past week! I lost a total of 130 (136 pounds as of today) pounds, which puts me at 2 pounds above my lowest post-sleeve weight of 124 pounds, and I'm ok with that!
I remember in the first 2years post op feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to wake up one morning and have gained all the weight back. But I'm realizing now that I've maintained this new normal for 4 years. That is significant! That is not a fad; that is not a passing whim; that is a new normal.
Do you know how I knew this for sure? I didn't even realize it had been 4 years since my surgery this month until someone else said something. I'm no longer counting the pounds lost (I actually needed a calculator for this post) and I'm no longer counting the months post op. In fact there are a lot of days I forget altogether that I had surgery.
It's not that I'm not eating the bariatric diet or that I'm doing what I want. It's just a perspective change. I still use myfitness pal nearly every day to count my carbs and my Protein and my Water, but I know that this keeps me honest and accountable. I don't eat whatever I want. I probably never do. But I no longer avoid social settings where there might be food, I no longer stress if I have 18 peanut halves instead of 17. I no longer hate myself for wearing a 6 instead of a 4.
It took a whole lot of freaking emotional work, 4 years of weekly therapy, and a lot of willingness to put in the time and energy to change.
For those of you looking for some updated progress pics, here is me from a girls' week we just had in Mexico. I basically spent the week in a string bikni which is not something I ever thought I would do. Were there girls that looked way more amazing than I did? Hell yes! But they most likely did not birth 4 children or torture their bodies through ganing and losing 130 pounds. A body doesn't just forgive you for that. You live with the saggy skin in spots, with the stretchmarks on the otherwise flat stomach because that is life and not because you have failed. It is because you've lived, and struggled, and won, and left when you needed to leave, and stayed when you needed to stay, and you demanded more from yourself and you demanded better.

Wow! My 4 year surgiversary came and went this past week! I lost a total of 130 (136 pounds as of today) pounds, which puts me at 2 pounds above my lowest post-sleeve weight of 124 pounds, and I'm ok with that!
I remember in the first 2years post op feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to wake up one morning and have gained all the weight back. But I'm realizing now that I've maintained this new normal for 4 years. That is significant! That is not a fad; that is not a passing whim; that is a new normal.
Do you know how I knew this for sure? I didn't even realize it had been 4 years since my surgery this month until someone else said something. I'm no longer counting the pounds lost (I actually needed a calculator for this post) and I'm no longer counting the months post op. In fact there are a lot of days I forget altogether that I had surgery.
It's not that I'm not eating the bariatric diet or that I'm doing what I want. It's just a perspective change. I still use myfitness pal nearly every day to count my carbs and my Protein and my Water, but I know that this keeps me honest and accountable. I don't eat whatever I want. I probably never do. But I no longer avoid social settings where there might be food, I no longer stress if I have 18 peanut halves instead of 17. I no longer hate myself for wearing a 6 instead of a 4.
It took a whole lot of freaking emotional work, 4 years of weekly therapy, and a lot of willingness to put in the time and energy to change.
For those of you looking for some updated progress pics, here is me from a girls' week we just had in Mexico. I basically spent the week in a string bikni which is not something I ever thought I would do. Were there girls that looked way more amazing than I did? Hell yes! But they most likely did not birth 4 children or torture their bodies through ganing and losing 130 pounds. A body doesn't just forgive you for that. You live with the saggy skin in spots, with the stretchmarks on the otherwise flat stomach because that is life and not because you have failed. It is because you've lived, and struggled, and won, and left when you needed to leave, and stayed when you needed to stay, and you demanded more from yourself and you demanded better.

Wow! My 4 year surgiversary came and went this past week! I lost a total of 130 (136 pounds as of today) pounds, which puts me at 2 pounds above my lowest post-sleeve weight of 124 pounds, and I'm ok with that!
I remember in the first 2years post op feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to wake up one morning and have gained all the weight back. But I'm realizing now that I've maintained this new normal for 4 years. That is significant! That is not a fad; that is not a passing whim; that is a new normal.
Do you know how I knew this for sure? I didn't even realize it had been 4 years since my surgery this month until someone else said something. I'm no longer counting the pounds lost (I actually needed a calculator for this post) and I'm no longer counting the months post op. In fact there are a lot of days I forget altogether that I had surgery.
It's not that I'm not eating the bariatric diet or that I'm doing what I want. It's just a perspective change. I still use myfitness pal nearly every day to count my carbs and my Protein and my Water, but I know that this keeps me honest and accountable. I don't eat whatever I want. I probably never do. But I no longer avoid social settings where there might be food, I no longer stress if I have 18 peanut halves instead of 17. I no longer hate myself for wearing a 6 instead of a 4.
It took a whole lot of freaking emotional work, 4 years of weekly therapy, and a lot of willingness to put in the time and energy to change.
For those of you looking for some updated progress pics, here is me from a girls' week we just had in Mexico. I basically spent the week in a string bikni which is not something I ever thought I would do. Were there girls that looked way more amazing than I did? Hell yes! But they most likely did not birth 4 children or torture their bodies through ganing and losing 130 pounds. A body doesn't just forgive you for that. You live with the saggy skin in spots, with the stretchmarks on the otherwise flat stomach because that is life and not because you have failed. It is because you've lived, and struggled, and won, and left when you needed to leave, and stayed when you needed to stay, and you demanded more from yourself and you demanded better.

Wow! My 4 year surgiversary came and went this past week! I lost a total of 130 (136 pounds as of today) pounds, which puts me at 2 pounds above my lowest post-sleeve weight of 124 pounds, and I'm ok with that!
I remember in the first 2years post op feeling like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to wake up one morning and have gained all the weight back. But I'm realizing now that I've maintained this new normal for 4 years. That is significant! That is not a fad; that is not a passing whim; that is a new normal.
Do you know how I knew this for sure? I didn't even realize it had been 4 years since my surgery this month until someone else said something. I'm no longer counting the pounds lost (I actually needed a calculator for this post) and I'm no longer counting the months post op. In fact there are a lot of days I forget altogether that I had surgery.
It's not that I'm not eating the bariatric diet or that I'm doing what I want. It's just a perspective change. I still use myfitness pal nearly every day to count my carbs and my Protein and my Water, but I know that this keeps me honest and accountable. I don't eat whatever I want. I probably never do. But I no longer avoid social settings where there might be food, I no longer stress if I have 18 peanut halves instead of 17. I no longer hate myself for wearing a 6 instead of a 4.
It took a whole lot of freaking emotional work, 4 years of weekly therapy, and a lot of willingness to put in the time and energy to change.
For those of you looking for some updated progress pics, here is me from a girls' week we just had in Mexico. I basically spent the week in a string bikni which is not something I ever thought I would do. Were there girls that looked way more amazing than I did? Hell yes! But they most likely did not birth 4 children or torture their bodies through ganing and losing 130 pounds. A body doesn't just forgive you for that. You live with the saggy skin in spots, with the stretchmarks on the otherwise flat stomach because that is life and not because you have failed. It is because you've lived, and struggled, and won, and left when you needed to leave, and stayed when you needed to stay, and you demanded more from yourself and you demanded better.