aliekat55

I'm going to lay out some thoughts I've been having. My intent is not to minimize the experience of anyone else, but simply to offer my own thoughts and beliefs. I know this journey is different for all of us, but I am always saddened when I see a post about how a pre-op person can't wait to "be skinny" or "look hot" or "feel good about myself again". Skinny does not equal happy. Skinny does not equal hot. Skinny does not equal feeling good about ourselves. There are just as many skinny people who are unhappy, unattractive, and down on themselves as fat people. Happiness, feeling attractive, and feeling good about oneself are characteristics generated from within, not without.
 
A few years ago, at a very low point in my life, happiness seemed to me like a foreign concept. I could not remember the last time I had felt genuinely joyous or happy about anything. Intellectually, I knew that there were many things in my life that were desirable. I had a good job, a comfortable house, a dependable car, some money in the bank, food in the fridge, etc. But despite these things, I was unhappy. Now, I had good reasons to be unhappy, or so I thought. My marriage was failing, I was coming to grips with the fact that I would never be a mother, I wanted desperately to change my life but felt completely stuck, and so on. I remember reading somewhere that happy is a verb...it's an action, not a passive condition. I began to wonder...if I truly felt that there was no spark of happiness or joy in my life, who's fault was that? Who was responsible for my happiness? The answer, of course, is me. I was failing myself. I was not loving myself, or being kind to myself.
 
I decided that if happy was an action, I was going to try and exercise my happy muscle. I was going to try and find one thing to feel happy about for a few minutes every day. My goal was 3-5 minutes a day of active happiness. I thought that would be super easy. After all, I had been able to identify good things in my life, so how hard could it be to think about them for a couple of minutes every day? Well, it was actually harder than I expected, but I stuck with it. I had to set a timer in the beginning, but I made myself do it every single day. Gradually, I noticed it got easier. Some days all I could come up with was something like the weather, or the fact that my bills were paid on time, but damn it...if that was all I had, then I was damn well going to focus on it & feel happy for 3 freakin' minutes.
 
I eventually began to notice that I felt happier overall. I'm not sure why, because by this time I was just divorced and trying to figure out dating at 270 lbs & maintaining my new house, etc, but regardless, I felt happier. After meeting the man who has become my 2nd husband, he said that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I always seemed happy. I'm not saying that this is somehow a magic bullet against bad stuff happening, but holding happiness in my mind for a few minutes every day helps me to deal with the inevitable downs of life. It seems to me that consciously taking time to feel happy each day has somehow made a state of happiness more accessible in my brain.
 
It's been almost 7 years since I began my happiness quest, and I can honestly say I feel happier today than I ever have in my life. To quote Charlotte in the Sex and The City movie, "I feel happy every day. Not all day every day, but every day I feel happy." In choosing to have the sleeve, I absolutely do not expect it to make me happy, because I'm already happy. I feel pretty good about myself today, this minute, at 300+ lbs. Yes, there are things I want to do, but I can't right now. Yes, I have pain every day & difficulty walking, but I still feel good about who I am and what I have to offer in my small corner of the world. I am aware that I am probably judged negatively by some people because of my weight, but I don't even really notice that. Today, I find it so much easier to find things in my life that make me genuinely happy. I am definitely looking forward to weighing less and seeing an improvement in my mobility, but I don't think it will make me somehow better or more acceptable or a more worthy person. I am enough, right now, just as I am. We all are, and we are all so very precious. Today, right now, at this very moment, we are beautiful, and we are valuable, and we are enough. I believe that with all my heart, and I hope you do, too.

I am on day 2 of my pre op liquid diet. I have to do this for 2 weeks. My husband, who is having the sleeve done with me, only has to do 1 week. Our surgery is August 5th.
 
I wanted to cry today when I heard my stomach growl. But to be honest I cannot remember the last time I heard it growl. I am learning a lot about this body of mine. That is when the pity party started. I feel like crap. How could I have let myself go this far? How come I did not stop the overeating when I only had 50 pounds to lose?? I went through a list of how, why, when....you name it.
 
I then realized that I am being given an opportunity to get my life back. To enjoy things I have not been able to do. To go places I have been uncomfortable going. I am going to be new.....it is all going to be worth it. And the best part is I have my husband there for support. He will be my partner through this new stage of our lives. We will be a team.
 
So I decided to go wash some clothes. To give myself a change of scenery. To wash clothes I may not be able to wear again someday....

I did not expect this. in learning to eat differently for my post sleeve life, i have evidently decreased my intake even more than i expected and have lost some weight. big deal, everyone here can lose weight, however today when i went hiking in the wilds of northern minnesota my gymn shorts kept slipping down. WTF? I have not had that happen to me in years and i was much lighter then. Perhaps the elastic has worn down, but it felt good anyway. I am heading to my surgery with a full head of steam, aiming to make the most of it right from the start.
ten days to go.
My daughter is getting married tomorrow and there are all sorts of people here, family people. the same ones that I tend to eat over. but so far i still have little interest in food. very strange, very welcome. We fly back on Sunday and i can get into the security of my routine until surgery.
I have told a few chosen people and they have all been highly supportive. perhaps I need to expand my inclusion list.

I did not expect this. in learning to eat differently for my post sleeve life, i have evidently decreased my intake even more than i expected and have lost some weight. big deal, everyone here can lose weight, however today when i went hiking in the wilds of northern minnesota my gymn shorts kept slipping down. WTF? I have not had that happen to me in years and i was much lighter then. Perhaps the elastic has worn down, but it felt good anyway. I am heading to my surgery with a full head of steam, aiming to make the most of it right from the start.
ten days to go.
My daughter is getting married tomorrow and there are all sorts of people here, family people. the same ones that I tend to eat over. but so far i still have little interest in food. very strange, very welcome. We fly back on Sunday and i can get into the security of my routine until surgery.
I have told a few chosen people and they have all been highly supportive. perhaps I need to expand my inclusion list.

My NUT told me that a good bite was the size of a pencil eraser and I have been studiously working at making every bite that small. Hard to do, I always felt like one of those dogs that inhaled the food, I could not get it in fast enough.
Interestingly, although it took much conscious effort, it is becoming much more natural to eat tiny little bits. when I saw others eating and saw the size of what they put in their mouths I was aghast! was that me in the past?
the twenty chews still needs work but I am close. I need much work on the timing between bites. I need to learn to pause. However, the effect it has already had on me is dramatic. My stomach has time to tell my brain it is full, I rarely get that horrible pain from overeating. I feel satisfied easier with much less food. So far I am continuing to lose prior to the liquid diet.
They want 12 more pounds lost by surgery date, my plan (shhhh dont tell) is to lose a good portion of that prior to the start of the liquid diet and shorten the period of time I take the Optifast. I have already lost 30 pounds in preparation for the surgery! The research regarding the preop weight loss indicates that 5% of body weight helps a lot, I am already over 10% lost.
OF course if i gain weight over then next week I will do the full two weeks of Optifast, but I am quite motivated. I figure 12 pounds is 12 pounds, it does not matter how it came off.
 
BTW- it is amazing to me that my dear wife of 36yrs who has seen me struggle with food all my adult life ( since we met 39 years ago) still suggests things that are so unhelpful. I know she is one of the chosen few that can keep her weight within a few pounds of goal with very little effort, but suggesting that one day of overeating ( at a party one week prior to surgery) can't hurt, is rather unenlightened ( sounds better than dimwitted).

Well, after so much waiting and anticipation I finally made the trip to Charlotte where my surgeon is. On the night before the flight it hits me what a major ordeal this is, not the surgery but the flying an hour away (baltimore) to have surgery by someone i have not met.
I could not have had a better experience though. I met one of his staff people in the elevator going up to the third floor and she was so pleasant from the start. I met several of his staff, all wonderful. I loved the nutritionist because she is like me, footed in practicality. I learned so much ,even though I have been researching like mad the past months.
The doctor (Heider) inspired confidence and was personable, not all surgeons are that way. I have no remaining concerns about the technical aspects.
I had been worried about the liquid diet but the nutritionist helped and it doesnt seem so bad. I have been through worse. I am old and tired of being run by the nose by food.
There were so many people that were kind and helpful, from the check in desk at the hospital to the nurse at the preop center to the blood drawer. I do not think i had a bad experience.
except for the flight home that was delayed a few hours. that said, I did get to witness two amazing things. I was sitting doing some surfing and one second I look up to see the plane had not arrived, the next I see a wall of water blowing in and within seconds the visibility went from unlimited to a few hundred feet! Quite an awesome event. then when the storm passed by there was a rainbow, no two rainbows--one of those rare doubles. Dont get to see many of them. It hung around for nearly an hour. Very cool. I remember reading that they are inverted, that is the colors are reversed on them, and sure enough they are.
I am excited and ready and the only thing I have been worrying over is how much to share with people and when. being in the public eye in my little corner of the world, this is a bigger decision than simply telling a few people.
Also deciding what to tell my mother. I do not expect any support from there and since she lives in texas I can let it slide until I am comfortable with my new habits. who knows.
One thing--note to self--time to stop the obsession with the research and get back to normal living.
 
IN the great Karma department---I was sitting in the waiting room when this man and his wife sat ahead of me. I instantly recognized him as someone on this forum who had surgery the week before by the same doctor. I only debated whether to say something for a few moments, figuring that if he put his picture out there he was ok with people recognizing him. I had actually sent him a couple of mesages during his surgery.
So I talked to him and he was shocked as i was that we ran into each other. we had a few minutes to chat and exchange contact info.