mrs.petethecat

Blegh. Finally hit under 200 lbs, went on vacation this week, and what do I do? Fall off the wagon! Feeling pretty disappointed in myself. I know better than this, but I went & hit the trifecta: slider foods, not tracking, and grazing!
Trying hard to get back on track today and not beat myself up about it, but it's hard. I'm used to self-sabotaging (kind of wondering if that's behind all this - I typically panic when I diet & get close to 200, self-sabotage, then give up. Only difference here is I broke 200 and am at 198). Also used to that old habit of berating myself for not being able to follow through on changing my habits, self-criticizing - you know the drill. All the mean things we say to ourselves.
Trying to think of some of the positive things I can take from this. Like - I learned that I feel crappy when I eat carbs and 'normal' when I eat Protein. I learned that although I can definitely eat a lot of carb-y slider foods, they definitely do not process well through my system, and being stopped up is not fun. I also learned that I do better when I am accountable; when no one is looking I get sneaky. Sneaky is not good. Sneaky makes me depressed and lonely and fat.
So....I am tracking on MFP again after largely ignoring it for 4 days. (I am zenandnow23 on MFP if you want to friend me and kick my a** in gear.)
I'm going to have my Premier shakes and Water today & try to get myself back in the protein mindset. In other words, DETOX!!
And I am going to *try* not to be mean to myself for not doing so great over the past few days...but I gotta admit, I'm feeling pretty down.

I was staying at the top floor of a very bad hotel. The service was horrid, the environment was unhealthy, I couldn't wait to get out. I was in such a hurry I didn't bother with my baggage.

I get on the elevator.

"Bottom floor!" I say emphatically to the elevator operator.

Without a word he closes the door, starts down, and stops at the next floor.

He opens the door and there is no one there. He waits, and waits, and waits, and I am getting mad.

He finally closes the door and starts down again.

Then a light lights up on the panel from a higher floor. He stops the elevator and goes back up!
He opens the door, no one there and he waits, and waits, and waits.

This time I am speaking up.

"What is your problem?" Go....down!"

He waits a little more then closes the door and starts down.

Finally, I thought.

He stops again, opens the door, no one there. He waits, and waits, and waits.

I am getting furious!

"Are you insane?"

He yawns and shuts the door, another light from and upper floor, he stops the elevator and goes back up again!

Am I in a nightmare?

Finally we are descending again but the irregular pattern repeats itself, down, stop, up, stop, down, stop, up, down....on and on.

No amount of screaming on my part makes any difference. He acts like he can't hear me.

We finally reach the bottom floor.

I am relieved to see the front door from the elevator but I have to know something before I go out into the free air.

"What is your name?" I ask him.

"Weight Loss", he says.

I know this is a clothing exchange but I thought maybe I should share this sale at Lane Bryant. They are having a one day sale where ecerything in clearance is 60% off. The code to use is ONEDAYLB
I foudn cute tops under $6 dollars for those of us that need a smaller size. Good luck ladies!

I'm going to tack something on to this discussion...
Giving yourself permission, to not eat if you don't want to.
I can hear the engines revving up now, to flame me for "advocating" not eating, so Hear Me Now: That is not what I am doing.
Rather, in this discussion of giving oneself permissions, permission to be wasteful, permission to be oneself, permission to LIVE, I hav found a freedom in saying, "you know what, I don't WANT to eat at this moment and I don't have to!" I don't have to take advantage of every single "treat" or opportunity for indulgence, I am not a 12th century peasant. There is plenty, I will not starve, I am not starving, it is okay to turn away from food, I am not being wasteful if I turn away from food. I can say no.
Saying no, now, there's a bigger issue ...
I'd wager that is an incredibly deep issue that many of us who have self-medicated with food grapple with. If I say no, will you invite me back? If I say no, will you walk away, thereby proving my deepest fear that you were only interested in me for what you could get? That last one isn't necessarily sexual you know ...
This sort of went down the rabbit hole, but I'm kind of glad ...

Great post, Globe.
For me, putting myself first in anything has been a big hurdle, and it's incredibly satisfying to me to be able to stand up and declare that I matter, my feelings matter, I can do what I want, etc. I no longer feel bogged down by years of insecurities or this insane desire to please everyone around me, as if that will somehow convince them that I am important and that it's okay to love me even if I'm fat and I can't love myself.
I do what I want for me now. I buy the damn shoes, I buy the lip gloss, I toss away half a plate of food that I only ordered because the combination of main and side dish sounded enjoyable - I get it because I WANT IT. I do not have to prove myself to anyone but myself. I do not have to hate myself or believe anything that was ever said to me as a child or young woman.
It's incredibly liberating.
Shut that inner Globe up. Tell her to go to hell, and then buy the damned nail polish. She's been enforcing the bad habits/ideas/notions/toxicity of your upbringing and you don't need her inner voice to make you feel bad about your choices.
This is about you. You did not come this far to hold yourself down or to berate yourself for every choice you make.
~Cheri

I am so with you on this. Whilst as adults we are free to make our own choices, there are deeply ingrained behaviours and patterms that are incredibly difficult just to set aside and forget about them.
But you understand what the problem is and knowing that is the start of changing things for the better. Out of everything you say, the most significant phrase is "I struggle to believe that my desires matter" ... and therein lies the root of your inability to do nice things for yourself without feeling the need to justify them against being wasteful.
You matter. So what matters to you is important. Your logic tells you that it is a better deal to buy a new lipgloss than eat fast food. But your internal voice still tuts and tells you off for wasting money.
So time to give yourself permission to live as your adult self, free to make decisions in your best interests, because your happiness and wellbeing are in your hands - and because you matter. Who sees that you took a sip of Coke and poured the rest away? Only you... so time to tell your internal critic to take a seat in the corner while you enjoy life's small pleasures, cos that's what they are. And we all need them.
Every time you do something that should make you feel good, stop and allow it to feel good, don't put the other side of the argument - just enjoy. As you know, new habits take time to develop and so you need to praise yourself without thinking "ego" or "*******". Those are other people's opinions that you've absorbed over the years - tlme to let them go.
I come from a background where I can relate to everything you say. In recent years, I have walked a tough path to let go all the associated behaviours as I knew I couldn't move forward with anything until I did. To begin, with I didn't think I could at 51 years old. But I have, taking small steps, culminating in paying $15,000 for my sleeve never having spent anything on myself in years because I didn't think I mattered...
Good luck, you look fab and you deserve to be toxin free. The rest of us are right behind you :-))))

... to be wasteful.
I was never a member of the Clean Your Plate club, that was never enforced in my family growing up, though at the same time food was considered the only justifiable expense. But I was admonished/critisized/guilted for any act of wastefulness, to the point of being denied access to many things because it was deemed a wasteful expense (including being seen by a doctor but that's another can of worms).
So, as part of my WLS journey, I am learning to give myself permission to be "wasteful". Spending 10 dollars on cheap cosmetics at Walgreen's, instead of a trip to Burger King - that's okay!! So I "wasted" my money and an antire can of Coke because all I wanted was that first frosty bubbly sip - so what, it's my money and a small sip is better than 8 oz! It's okay!! It's not as easy as it may seem, the indoctrination of youth is difficult to shake, last year I was unemployed for a few months and had to be on a budget and I found myself reverting to self-abusing habits: Not going out because that would mean a couple of dollars cover charge, but spending that same money on food - because it is justifiable. My enjoyment wasn't justifiable, isn't that just sad? I'm sad -and embarrassed- as I type this.
A new lipgloss or bottle of nailpolish from Rite-Aid costs about the same as a fast food meal or drink at a bar, with much more positive results. I struggle to believe that my desires matter, that my having ANY desire for self-care or tenderness is NOT a sign of ego or a$$holery. It is time to wash myself clean of my parent's toxins.

Pffft... there she goes again, being all rational and stuff.

To whom it may concern:
Surgery is scary. Leaving the country can be scary. Leaving the country to have surgery?Terrifying.
Coordinators:
We don't need bogus reviews, paid reviews, vague reports of tragedy, and referral kickbacks out there amongst us muddying the waters. We need you to answer our questions... Honestly. We need you to hold our hands in spirit and in person whenever possible. We need you to represent your company and the surgeons who contract through said company with integrity and dignity. If you struggle defining those words or relating to them I suggest a career change.
Medical Tourists:
We need some solidarity. We are all, or have been, in the same boat. For whatever reason surgery at home isn't happening. We've made the bold decision to reclaim control over our obesity and we've kicked it up a notch.
All VST members:
We come from all walks of life. Various roads and life experiences have brought us all to this point. WLS. Many of us, if not all if us, have been criticized or teased regarding our weight issues. Many have felt "less than" because we are "more than". Why on earth are we attacking each other? What are we gaining from it?
Take a long look in the mirror. Tell yourself you are going to try and be the best *you* that you can be. And then... Live it. Own it.
“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have bc/bs of Minnesota and after an initial denial letter wanting more dietician visits, more psych visits and 2 yr history of high bmi, my surgeon and I submitted an appeal letter each and it took the full month but received the approval letter today. They deemed a revision surgery as "medically necessary". I'm over the moon excited! There is hope people!

I just purchased a box of these crackers .... or .... should I say "flackers"
They are soooooooooooo Yummy !
made by
Doctor in the Kitchen
naturally sweet cinnamon & currants flax seed crackers
raw, gluten free
high in Omega 3's, 4 grams of Protein and 6 grams of Fiber low in carbs per serving.
When my family is eating their junk food.... I grab a few of these flackers and put a slice of banana on top and pop it in my mouth. sooo good...
now when I want savory, I buy their rosemary flavor and put a piece of microwaved softened brie cheese on it... oh sooo yummy too.

Sounds good.
But there are some studies that state you can't absorb more than 30 grams of Protein at any one sitting, so possibly you're not absorbing all those nutrients. You might be better off drinking half now, then half a couple hours later.

I really like the chocolate Premier Protein shake, but the vanilla was starting to get on my nerves so I've been playing around with flavors trying to make it more enjoyable. This morning's experiment was a keeper!
I threw all this in the blender
One ready to drink Vanilla Premier Protein Shake
One scoop Unjury unflavored powder
2 Tbs PB2 Peanut Butter Powder (bought on the advice of folks here, found it at Kroger in the organic section)
Some Water and ice
It tasted fantastic!!! The PB2 is awesome. It was close to 16 ounces so it took a while to drink but it was yummy.
Here's the specs
16oz of liquid
56 Grams of Protein !!!
9 Carbs
295 Calories
Strange the things I get excited about these days ... It used to be "I can eat an entire McD's Cheeseburger in one bite" now it's "I got in 56 grams of Protein before 9am"

The surgery was fine, actually. Not painless, but I didn't experience much pain at all. I was off the pain meds by three days out and working from work at 9 days. (Don't tell my doc.) My knees don't even feel like the same joints I had two months ago, there's such a big difference. I have only needed to take Tylenol one time for knee pain since the surgery, and I had been a 6-Advil-A-Day habit. NO regrets.

It's been a while since I updated.
Today, I got my approval from insurance. I meet with the surgeon on Friday at 10:45. As it happens, I have a stomach bug today and where I thought I'd be really excited, what I am is tired. I'm down to 269 on my home scale, so I'm sure I've met their pre-surgery requirements. (And I'm down 40 since December.)
We've told my 7-year-old. She is understanding and promised not to tacklehug me while I'm recovering. Her big question was would I be asleep, like her friend Jacob who got tubes in his ears because "he got earaches, like, ALL the TIME Mom, it was so sad!" She also says she'll be happy to help make me Soup in the microwave and eat the noodles out of my Soup for me. We've made our morning chewable Vitamins into a mommy-daughter time, which is kinda nice. She says she's looking forward to me being skinny like her and eating little meals like she does. <3 The rest of my chosen family remains supportive.
I've started taking Biotin, collagen, and Calcium with D already on top of my daily multi and B complex and the D I was prescribed. (In Minnesota just about everyone has Vitamin D issues, I'm told.)I am noticing an improvement in my skin and hair since I've been doing that, and I hope it will be enough to keep the Hair loss to a minimum. I remember what it was like to lose hair after my kids were born, so I have some perspective on what I'm looking at.
I finally told a few of my friends what was going on. The basic response was "do what you have to do to stop hurting. You really have tried everything else, and we love you regardless." It's good to have friends...
I guess I'm moving more toward the certain end of things?

I am certain I need this surgery. I am certain that I am going to get this surgery. I am certain I will be healthier in critical ways after this surgery. But I am not at all certain that I will be happier after this surgery.
My name is Dee, but if you call me Devichan I'll answer. I've used it as a nickname for years. I'm 41 years old, a mother of two (ages 16 and 7), poly, married, pagan, geeky, techie woman. I love my smile, my eyes, and my curves. I love to knit, play roleplaying games, watch football, and geek about Doctor Who (sometimes all at the same time!) I'm owned by three cats (Echo, a tuxedo female, and tortoiseshell littermates River and Kaylee), all of whom are adopted from rescues. We're looking into getting a dog. I live in the Twin Cities of Minnesota and I love it here. I've also lived in Ohio, North Carolina, Indiana, Michigan, and California. My family's idea of a vacation is a yearly trip to Dragon*Con in Atlanta. My daughters are the lights of my life... one snarky, gothy, creative, musical, and self-described (accurately) as "a teenager with a lick of sense" and the other bouncy, happy, colorful, who is a fan of both My Little Pony and the Avengers and who thinks nothing of running around the house in a pink tutu and crown wearing a batman mask, Wonder Woman arm bracers, and carrying a sword and shield.
I can't remember when people weren't talking about me in terms of my weight. food restrictions at age 6. "You have such a pretty face!" at seven. "I swore I'd never buy you plus sizes, but you've forced me to!" at eight. Weight Watchers at nine. If I could go back to 14-year old me, wearing a size 14, I would tell her everyone was wrong. Looking at pictures of the time, I was softly, roundly, genuinely pretty.
College came and with it an extra hundred pounds - body by Mountain Dew. (In the early 90s no one was talking to teenagers about how bad soft drinks were; saccharine was still the Devil In powder Form.) I had a two three-liter of Mountain Dew PER DAY habit at one point because of serious caffeine addiction. I broke it at age 23, but the damage was done. I stayed at 240 through most of the next decade, including after the birth of my first child.
Then I hurt first one knee, and then the other after the birth of my second child. Another 40 pounds arrived because I dieted and exercise hurt. Arthritis set in, I dieted some more as I was told, and with that even more pounds. Now, at 41, I weigh between 295-305 depending on stress levels. I am twice the size I was when everyone told me I was too fat to ever fall in love, get married, and have children.
I am OK with my fat. It's a part of me. I don't use it as a shield between me and the world, because I don't hide from the world. I am an extrovert and make friends easily. I haven't been without a partner since the age of 17, and between 15 and 17 I had a boyfriend or girlfriend for all but three months. I don't have diabetes, don't have heart trouble, don't have thyroid issues, don't have respiratory issues.
And yet.
My knees ache, especially in the winter. My mobility is increasingly compromised. I love to do yoga, but the pain in my knees is preventative. I don't THINK I have sleep apnea, but on 6-FEB-2013 I will be finding out the results of a sleep study.
I hurt. And I'm tired of hurting. I will soon need a cane to take the bus and light rail. Stairs are a problem - for the pain, not the breathlessness. I've been told I'm 15 years away from eligibility for a knee replacement. This is the only option doctors want to discuss. I don't dare diet again. I can't afford another 20 pounds.
On the 18th, I have my first consult. I do not want to look like a melting ice cream cone, and after decades of fat I almost certainly will. I will miss my curves.
And yet. I am certain of one thing: I hurt, and this is the only option I am being offered that will help.

One of the reasons I decided to get WLS was because of the long list of medications I had to take. My health was getting worse and I was no longer interested in doing anything I used to like. Today I am 7 weeks out, 35 lbs lighter, and on a visit to my PCP she took me off 3 of my meds and reduced 1 more. I am going to go for blood work and then see her again in a month when we may discontinue more! I feel like I am getting back in control of my life and won't wonder how I am going to get through each and every day. Feeling excited and just wanted to share!

I think there are lots of us who feel similarly about our insurance companies. My policy has a weight loss surgery exclusions, specifically. I imagine because it makes the whole policy less expensive. The logic escapes me, though, that they'd rather pay for high blood pressure care, Type II diabetes, sleep apnea, and other obesity related co-morbidities than WLS.
I had my surgery in Mexico in March and am so glad I did! It was one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself.
~Kat

Choosing Insurance plans is like choosing between syphilis and gonorrhea. They all stink !! With my insurance I was caught between a rock and a hard place. I didn't have enough co-morbidities, they require documentation of a 6 month diet, and I wasn't employed by the hospital for 24 consecutive months (another ridiculous requirement). Had I lost 20 pounds, my BMI would have been too low..... so I'm off to Mexico and paying cash.. HealthChoice and Orlando Health can just kiss my big fat healthy Butt. Having to wait another year and gain more weight would have made me a higher surgical risk. I guess they would have preferred I'd have had high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep apnea. Makes no sense.... maybe they hope you'll die before they have to approve a triple cardiac bypass. I'm a Nurse... they employ me to take care of their Patients. Their slogan is "Patient's First". You'd think they'd want their Nurses healthy and fit.... after all, we're supposed to be caregivers, teachers and role models. Health Insurance sucks.... and to think I have to prolong my retirement till I'm 65 to qualify for medicare. I wanted to retire at 62, but insurance and health care costs make that impossible. I feel like a hostage. Oh well..... thank God I've got the money to pay for my surgery, at least Orlando Health pays me well. Just one more rant, I promise... they also won't pay for cataract surgery till I'm too blind to read this post.

I just added some PB2 to my shake for the first time and i am wishing I did it sooner! Not only did I get an extra 5g of Protein it makes it tastes so much better! I highly recommend it for any of you Peanut Butter lovers out there!

Know what helps me? Looking up the nutrition information on stuff like this.
I deserve better - so do you.

Glad to report I had my 6 month weigh in today (6 months isnt until 8/22 though) and I am down 85 lbs! I originally wanted to be down 100 lbs but oh well. Ill take it! Feeling great!

I just have to say, the sharpei, the wrinkley dog, if I did not spell correctly, is showing all over me. I guess when winter comes and it is not so hot I will finally try Spanx and see if that helps in some areas. Still glad the 80 lbs is gone.

jiggle???
if you heard some "flapping" earlier, yep that was me!!!
i had a lot of loose skin
inner thighs and rear end were the worst
but...............one day a couple of months ago, i realized alot of my skin had tightened
i was pleasantly surprised i did firm up - even DH noticed
i know this happens with the "youngons" some don't even have lose skin!!!
kathy