TES

I just got back from Costco, and noticed something while I was there. I noticed that my entire outlook toward food has changed. And I haven't even had my surgery yet! Normally, I would stop at every free sample station to try them out. Not today. A guy walked by with a big slice of pizza, loaded with toppings. I looked at it in disgust! I feel a sort of disdain toward food, like it's the food's fault for letting me get to this point. I just got the same feeling when a Red Lobster commercial came on the tv. Normally, I would have been salivating, and wanting to gorge myself. But again, disgust. I'm not sure what it all means, just thought it was interesting. I suppose a psychologist could give me some insight into what it means.

I had my first experience with getting the slimes a few days ago. I had eaten a little too much in hopes of trying to get a little more calories and protein in for the day. I wasn't all that hungry. In fact, I'm never really all that hungry. I find I am less hungry at 4 weeks post op than I was at 2. It is probably because I am eating denser food which takes time to digest, but it is a weird feeling. I go basicaly the whole day without really feeling hungry. Yesterday, it took me 5 hours to nurse down my protein shake! Some days are better than others. Most mornings I can just drink the whole thing down in like half an hour.
 
Well, I vowed that I would never eat too much again because the slimes is not an experience I wanted to have again. Fast forward a few days AND I GOT THEM AGAIN!!!
 
This time it was because I think I ate too fast. I was eating some slivers of pecorino romano. Everything felt fine. I didn't feel anything stuck in my throat, my belly didn't feel full at all. I thought it was the easiest thing do go down I've tried so far. Maybe that was the problem...it was too easy going down. Sure enough, maybe 20 minutes later my mouth started salivating and I started "dry heaving" so I ran to the bathroom. I stayed there for awhile while I "almost" puked. Just to put it in perspective, I've always had a problem with puking...meaning my body doesn't like to give it up. Even in my college days, when I used to party all the time I could never puke. I would get sick and dry heave, but never puke! I want to puke because I know it will feel better after I do, but it just never works out that way. So I always get the dry heaves without the vomit...and it is extremely annoying. I think I've puked twice in the past 20 years. One of those times was when I had extreme food poisoning. After about 20 minutes of being in the bathroom, I felt a little better. I went back to my room and sat on the bed. And then burp! And after that burp I felt sooo much better.
 
I vowed I would never slime again, but I realized I don't have this all figured out yet. I've been eating healthy, getting my protein and water in etc. The cheese I ate was pretty healthy, but maybe it was too dense for this belly. I haven't had any problems with any of the food that I have eaten thus far. My taste buds haven't changed. The same food that I ate before still looks delicious to me. I think the difference is I don't have that hunger to push me over the edge where I reach for it and put it in my mouth. I kind of just walk past it and say, "that looks yummy." I'm struggling to get in 600 calories a day and 80 grams of protein so I am not at all tempted to eat something that isn't going to fuel my weight loss.
 
So what I've learned?
1. Even if a food goes down easily I should still eat slooooowwwwwwwww.
2. I don't have everything figured out yet. I'm probably going to make a few more mistakes
3. Don't force myself to eat more if I'm not hungry...even if my calories have to suffer for a day (I'd rather listen to my body)
4. I haven't tried every food yet...there might be something my tummy doesn't like despite the good luck I've had thus far
5. I HATE SLIMING. IT'S NASTY!
6. I have to find my own way. I can always seek advice and see other people's stats and what worked for them, but each person is different and I have to find what works for me.
 
 
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.”
― Heraclitus
 
“Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you.
You must travel it by yourself.
It is not far. It is within reach.
Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know.
Perhaps it is everywhere - on water and land.”
― Walt Whitman

This is a long time coming. "They" say that journaling is a good way for people on a weight loss journey to deal with "things". I am a little over halfway to goal, so I'd say it's about time. I thought I would start with my story- what got me to this point. The point of absolute desperation. The point at which I was so desperate to lose weight that I ELECTIVELY allowed a surgeon to remove the majority of my stomach. When it is put that way (and honestly when I tell someone verbally what VSG is), it sounds so ridiculous. I mean, who does that?
 
I wasn't ever a really fat kid. I was pretty active and grew up in the 80's, a time before video games, PC's, cable TV, and a lot of the technology that keeps kids of today sitting for hours instead of playing outside. I was just a little chubby until I became less active around puberty, then began the constant battle. I spent my high school years gaining weight, until I was a little under 200 lbs by the end of my junior year. I was also by this time a "secret eater". I worked in a bakery when I was 15, and would sneak in a big bag of bakery fresh cookies to my bedroom and eat them all when no one was looking. And so it went on, until the summer between junior and senior year, when I went on the Nutrisystem diet plan and lost 45 pounds before the start of my senior year. My senior year was pretty fab- I was a drama geek, and due to the weight loss, I landed the lead in the fall play and a significant part in the spring musical.
 
In college, I gained it all back. Over the years, I have lost and gained probably hundreds of pounds. I got married in 2002 at 217 pounds, had a baby two years later. A week after my son was born and all the water weight was gone, I was at 245 lbs. In 2007, I was up to 285. By this time last year, I was at my all time high, 302 lbs. My mom called and asked if I would be interested in WLS. She said she would help me pay for it. (Backstory: my 32 year old brother died suddenly in Feb 2011, and she was/is really afraid to lose another child). I went to the information session in April 2012 and had my 1st appointment in May. Over the next several months, I completed all of my pre-op requirements, including losing 30 pounds. Due to my crazy work and school schedule, I had to have my surgery just before Christmas, on December 17, 2012.
 
It has been kind of a crazy ride, and I am still learning how to "work my sleeve", but so far, it has been so amazing. I couldn't have done it by myself. After more than 30 years fighting this battle, this I know.

Day three of my liquid diet and it's been going pretty good. I don't trust my scale at all cause it's saying I'm 258 and yesterday at the doctor I was 263. I don't think it's possible to lose THAT much in less than a day? O_O
I dk. But whatever. lol I'm not complaining. I've been obsessing with looking at people's before and after's. That's seriously all I've been doing since like 7am. I like finding younger people around my age and seeing how they've done. Especially those who've had the sleeve.
 
12 more days to go!