Strangefruit

I'm feeling really good today. Like I've said, every day is better than the one before. I had my follow-up visit with the doctor this morning, and he's happy with how I'm progressing and how my incisions are looking. I'm down 15 lbs according to their scale, 20 according to mine. 15, 20, whatever it is, I'm on my way. I just got back from taking my daughter Chloe for a walk to the library. Felt good to get out for a walk. I walked around the block a couple times yesterday, but it was chilly and raining so not too pleasant. Much nicer out today.
 
Well, I bit the bullet and posted a note on Facebook about the surgery. I woke up at 5 am and couldn't sleep, and all I could think about was getting it off my chest. I spent the next 2 and a half hours working out what I would say. I created the note, then shared it to my wall with the following statement - "Dear friends, please read the attached note in its ENTIRETY before passing judgment. I hope for your support. Thank you, Joe"
 
Here is what the note said:
 
On Friday March 8, 2013, I had a surgery called 'vertical sleeve gastrectomy'. This is a bariatric weight loss procedure. This was not a decision that was made lightly, or hastily. I will try my best to outline my reasons for doing it, what it is, and reasons for not telling anyone.
Reasons for not telling people
First, I want to say that I was originally planning on only telling a very select few people about this. But I realize that this is probably not very realistic, as the changes will probably be pretty significant, and pretty quick. I've even outright lied to some people, including some of my coworkers and bandmates, which I am very uneasy about. I hope they will forgive me. Please don't be offended if you were not one of the people I chose to tell beforehand. My main reason for choosing not to tell people beforehand was that I didn't wish to invite any negativity, or have anyone trying to put doubts in my head as I had already made the very difficult decision and none of that would have been helpful to me. Every person I did choose to tell had the exact same comment - "you're not THAT big." I appreciate the 'compliment', and suppose I got pretty good at hiding it. Before surgery, I weighed 274 lbs. I'm sure this number will probably shock most of you, as that seems to be the universal reaction. Another comment I heard was "you could do that yourself". There have been times I've been able to shed decent amounts of weight, only to put it all back on, and then some. And each time I would do this, would make the next time even harder. I also REALLY didn't want to hear anyone say to me that I was 'taking the easy way out', as no doubt some of you reading this might be thinking right now. This would have done nothing but anger me, and would have jeopardized our friendship. Believe me, there is nothing easy about having surgery. I'm still recovering, and wouldn't ever want to relive the first 24 hours. It is still going to take hard work and exercise to get to my goal and maintain it. This is only a tool to help me achieve that goal.
What it is
There are basically three main types of weight loss surgery. There is the gastric bypass. This was never a consideration in my mind, as I view it as being a last resort for extremely overweight people, and there can be a lot of malnutrition involved. I was actually scheduled for the lap band procedure, as I know a few people who have had it done, with varying degrees of success. After hours and hours of further research, I decided against this. Basically, the lap band is a device that is implanted and placed around the entrance to the stomach. The band gets filled with saline so that it inflates and restricts how much you can eat. The 'temporary' aspect of the band (the fact that it can be removed if any issues arose), was the biggest plus to me initially. The more I read online, the more I saw people not happy with the lap band, and having it removed and getting the procedure I had, the vertical sleeve. Some issues with the band include slippage, erosion, and the long-term maintenance (you have to go periodically for 'fills' to adjust how much the band is filled). Some people just could never find what they call their 'green zone', the perfect level of restriction where they are restricting enough to lose weight but not so much that they are vomiting after 2 bites. Also, insurance concerns crossed my mind - would insurance cover the fills forever? What if I moved or had to change doctors? All of these things pointed me in the direction of the vertical sleeve. The vertical sleeve is the newest of the three types, and is basically a laparoscopic procedure where up to 85% of your stomach is removed, leaving you with a sleeve about the size of a banana. Basically, you are then restricted to eating between 3 and 5 ounces at any meal. You can eat pretty much what you did before, only MUCH less. Some people find that they don't tolerate certain foods after surgery, or don't like the tastes of some foods they liked before. It is a permanent solution. The weight loss results are comparable to the bypass, typically very good. Another benefit of this surgery is that the part of the stomach that is removed is the part that produces the hormone grehlin, the hunger hormone, so feelings of overwhelming hunger go away. People say that they go from eating extreme amounts of food and never feeling full before surgery, to having to remind themselves to eat so they can get in enough calories after. The fact that the lap band was 'temporary' and could be removed at any time, was what made it more attractive to me initially, and seemed less 'drastic'. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed a permanent solution that would help me make the lifelong changes I needed to make. Wanting something because it was reversible, enabling me to go back to the way I was, no longer made sense to me.
Reasons for getting surgery
First and foremost, I did this for my wife and kids. I don't want to leave them without a husband and father. Sure, I'm not happy with how I look, but looks were at the bottom of my list of reasons. I would have been perfectly happy to continue to eat 5-6 slices of pizza and being upset that there wasn't any more because I still didn't feel full, and watching my weight continue to rise every year. I 'know' what the right things and right amounts to eat are. But 'knowing' and being able to stick to it because you never feel satisfied are two very different things. I never smoked or drank or did any drugs. Food was my drug, and it was negatively affecting my health. Besides weighing 274 and growing, I had a BMI of 36, which is considered obese. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, erosive GERD (acid reflux), shortness of breath, a leaky heart valve, and what my doctor says is the second worst case of sleep apnea he's seen in his office. If you don't know, sleep apnea means you stop breathing for significant periods of time, which lowers your blood oxygen level, and the 'jarring' that occurs when your breath comes back could cause your heart to go into a deadly rhythm. So basically, I was a ticking time bomb that could die in my sleep at any time. I have a machine called a CPAP machine that helps me breathe at night, but I've tried it and find it impossible to sleep with it. I'm actually getting a new one today that my doctor says is easier because the air pressure level automatically adjusts based on what you need at any given moment, instead of being set at a fixed level that sometimes seems like too much and would wake me up.. I plan on giving it a try, and hopefully once I lose a significant amount of weight the sleep apnea will disappear. I also hope to be off my medications. Most people who get the sleeve are able to get off their medications and are cured of their sleep apnea. I've seen stories of people being cured of type-2 diabetes (which I thankfully did not have, yet) the day of surgery. Amazing. The apnea and medication for blood pressure, while being the result of being overweight, also become self perpetuating problems. They limit my energy level, which in turn limits my activity level, further adding to the obstacles to weight loss on my own.
How I'm doing
The surgery went well on Friday. The surgeon found a fairly large hiatal hernia, which he repaired while he was in there. The first day was basically Hell. I was in pain, discomfort, had a hard time taking deep breaths, and was extremely tired. All I wanted to do was sleep, not only because I was tired but because I wanted to avoid the discomfort. They pump your belly full of air during the procedure to maximize the space they have to work, and this air leads to gas pain which radiates to your left shoulder. This gas pain is no joke. Every day gets easier than the one before it. I am on a clear liquid diet for 1 week, basically limited to water or crystal light, broth, sugar free jello, and sugar free ice pops. I also need to drink protein shakes until I can start eating foods with protein. They want you to get between 60 and 80 grams of protein in every day, and if I can't get all of that in from food I will have to continue with the shakes. At first, it was very hard to get in the fluids, due to swelling. Very small sips. That is getting easier by the day. After 1 week, I progress to a few weeks of a puréed diet, eating mushy foods. A blender will be my friend for this phase. After that, I can start introducing some 'real' foods, slowly to see what I can tolerate. They still want you to concentrate on getting most of your calories from lean proteins and vegetables, limiting sugars and starches. I welcome my new relationship with food. It will no longer be something that I do for pleasure, consuming unlimited quantities. Instead it will be something that I will have to be conscious of, sometimes reminding myself to eat so that I can get in enough calories to sustain good nutrition and fuel my body. It will be a big change, for sure. I continue to feel better every day. The pain is basically gone, limited to what I would describe as a 'tightness' feeling at the incision sites. I had 7 small incisions, which should leave minimal scarring. The first step out of bed or off the couch is the hardest, because of this tightness, and my fear of twisting or stretching anything the wrong way. I'm walking well, just a bit slow at the moment. The tightness also makes it impossible to sleep on my side or stomach right now, limiting me to my back, which is the worst position for my sleep apnea. To counter this, I've found that sleeping upright on the couch with my feet up on an ottoman is the best for me. I tried piling pillows on the bed to elevate my head, but found that it was pushing my head forward, further restricting my airway. I will get my new CPAP machine today, and look forward to sleeping in bed with my wife again tonight. As of this morning, I've lost a total of 20 lbs, including 9 lbs lost during a strict one week pre-op diet.
In conclusion
I am a very private person, who doesn't like divulging personal (potentially embarrassing) information, as I've done at length here. I only just decided to write this after waking up at 5 am and not being able to fall back asleep. I hope for all of your understanding and support, and 'friendship'. I welcome any questions or comments, either under this post, or in a private message, or in person. I do not welcome any criticism or cruel comments or jokes (even lighthearted ones, as I might not view them this way). If that is your inclination, please refrain from commenting, or go ahead and remove me from your friends list. I apologize for ending this on such a down note like that, I just want to make it clear how serious I am about this. Thank you.'
So far, I've gotten all positive comments from people, except for one person. He used to be a close friend, but we grew apart in recent years, but are still friends on Facebook. It's been years since we've talked, even on Facebook. He said he was hurt that I didn't contact him, because he had weight loss surgery also and could have helped me in my decision. I had no idea he had surgery, and told him that and asked him how I would have known. We sent messages back and forth, and he still was upset, saying stuff about how he's sick of putting himself out for other people only to get nothing back (paraphrasing). I told him that I was disappointed that he chose now, a time when I'm reaching out for support and understanding, to make it about him and his hurt feelings that our friendship isn't what it used to be. Whatever, I can't worry about that now. I need to take care of myself at this point in time.

It's been about 10 months since my surgery and I've lost 109.5 pounds total with about 30-40 more to go. It's...strange...being on the downswing of this rather amazing journey. Looking back over everything it's crazy to see how much life has changed in less than a year. I mean, I started out at 280+ pounds and plagued with constant exhaustion of all that extra weight on a 5'5 frame. Now I'm at 171.4 and I run 3+ miles at a time, zumba, kickbox, yoga and am looking into joining a climbing club. Some of the issues over the last 10 months have been harder to deal with than others. For example, I intellectually knew that my hair was probably going to thin but actually standing in the shower with practically hunks of my hair in my hand was....emotionally hard to deal with. For all of those who are just starting this process I highly, highly HIGHLY recommend using Bosley shampoo/conditioner/hair serum to help prevent loss and regrow hair. Expensive, yes, but worth it. It not only slowed the hair loss down but my hair is growing in thicker than ever!
 
Another interesting aspect to deal with has been the body/mind disconect. It's just plan weird to go into a store and have no clue where to go or what to start trying on. Your body is melting away so fast (especially in the beginning) that its shocking and you feel like your mind says one thing, the mirror says another, and your body lost 5 lbs during the 2 minutes you were trying on pants and now you have to go back into the store and find a smaller size. Fun, sure, frustrating, definitely.
 
In the beginning my weight loss was meteoric. It seemed the only thing I had to do was sneeze and I lost a pound. Once I hit 6 months, it started to slow and while that is sometimes frustrating I think it's also better mentally. I now have a chance to get to know my own body and to actually see where I'm losing weight. I measure inches lost once a month and it's been a great way to see that I'm still making progress even if the scale hasn't really moved. I basically take everything in 10 lb blocks and have little mini goals set to help keep my spirits up during stalls. Oh, and I also need to thank pneumonia. The 170's will always be The Pneumonia 10 since I pretty much zipped through them during 1 week. I finally went to the doctor thinking I had a bad ear infection/sinus infection and found out that I actually had that AND a bad case of pneumonia. Oops? While I wouldn't lie and say that I'm sorry that the 170s kinda just melted away from my fever and lack of interest in food, I would also have preferred not to have the plague. Gotta look on the bright side though, right? At least I now know why I've been so exhausted for the last week.
 
So I'm in the bottom bit of the 170s and I can actually see what my body is going to look like. I've been overweight for so long and since before puberty finally let go of me that I'm not exactly sure what my body type is. Hourglass? Lean runner physique? Pear? Delicate southern blossom? Hunchback of Notre Dame? *amused*. Yet now when I look in the mirror I can actually see the line definition of where muscle ends and the layer of chub begins. I can tell that my legs/arms/face are thinning faster than my middle and that the last 20 lbs will all be in my stomach area. My mom carries weight the same way and so it's not that big of a surprise. I have a feeling that those last 20 will be the true "Battle of the Bulge" and will be both frustrating and delightful. I'm actally rather pleased that I think I'm going to get the body type I've always secretly wanted, which is more lean runner with enough feminine curves to be interesting but not be Jessica Rabbit. Both delicate and strong.
 
My mind/body disconect has lessened over time and it's getting easier to know that this is me. That when I go out in public that people don't look at me and think "look at that fat girl". When I go to the doctors now I dont get the automatic "you are so obese you have to lose weight" talks from a doctor that is also oftentimes also overweight. (Yeah, anbody else ever notice the double standard of that?). I feel strong within myself and more confident every day. I've learned how to deal with what people say about my weight loss and how to deflect or disregard their comments. Its amazing how many people feel they have a right to comment on weight loss and tell you that it's either 'too fast to be healthy' or that 'you are turning into skin and bones and need to stop'. That last always makes me laugh because I look so thin in comparison to how I looked before, but it's still obvious that I'm carrying extra weight. My basic response to most questions on how I've managed to lose weight is that I had a "Lifeystle change". While I'm not ashamed about having had the surgery I also don't think it's every Tom, D.ick and Harry's business to know. I neither require, nor want, a casual aquiantance's judgement on my choices. And trust me, people have strong opinions one way or the other on having weight loss surgery. There are so many changes in my life that I want to make and this has helped give me the confidence to go after what I want. I want to look back in another year and be as amazed as I am now about how much life can change in a short amount of time.
 
For everyone who is thinking about doing this...you will be amazed at how great life can become. I'm not going to lie and say that it was always easy, but it has been worth it and I would do it all over again.

I'm curious if anyone has the same issue as I have. There are some days that I just can't seem to eat anything that settles. Doesn't matter what it is. Could be a piece of chicken that is prepared the same way and it goes down fine, but if I were to make the same thing a couple days later, I can only take a few bites and it just feels like I ate a rock! And on those days it just seems like anything I eat doesn't settle right, no matter what. I usually have absolutely no appetite on these days but know I have to eat something to get my protein in. Should I have a protein shake on those days? I usually stick to a Greek Yogurt for breakfast and lunch those days. Anyone have any other tips or things that they do??

So I've had a new realization and "benefit" from this surgery that I never anticipated. I should first explain that I've always been pretty much of a nobody to people, throughout high school, college, work, public, etc (except for friends and family of course). What I mean by that is that people would pay no mind to me anywhere I went, that or I was made fun of for my obesity. I haven't really had a lot of time by myself in public until recently. Because the weight loss seems to be doing wonders for the management of my Multiple Sclerosis, I decided to go back to work again. So I'm doing flu vaccine clinics at the Walmarts in the area and my first day was yesterday. Basically I sit at my table and people watch and smile until someone comes up asking for a shot. In the past this would of terrified me, being in public where so many people would have the opportunity to stare and poke fun, etc. But my new found self esteem squashed out all those thoughts.
 
So here I was, about to get set up, meeting with the store manager and pharmacist when I hear, "Hey how are you!" I ignored it, not thinking it was to me, but my eyes wandered to the source of the voice, and a vaguely familiar guy is standing there with some packages (Fedex uniform). I looked behind me thinking he was saying hi to someone else. And he said "Hey how are you" again and followed "Do you remember me." I frantically searched my mind for a name to match his face and said "Mmmike?" lol idiot sounding me. And it was, this kid that I went to high school with and although my high school class was only 14 people, he was definitely one of the kids I never spoke to and always assumed made fun of me (he was known for his meanness). So I said hi and we had a short convo and he left. And I thought it was SO weird. I've run into other people from my high school class throughout the past few years and they've always politely ignored me and pretending they didn't know who I was. Which was fine for both of us. So this little conversation which was a genuinely nice conversation surprised the hell out of me.
 
As the day went on, I started noticing how many people were nice to me. People my own age, who never used to pay me any attention were stopping to say hi or were friendly to me. I had all ages of people stopping and having conversations, something that never used to happen. It's sad really, that humanity is like this. I never realized that there would of been a difference to how people interacted with eachother all based on looks or weight. Since my surgery, I have now lost close to 150lbs, still am overweight, but not like I used to be, have thrown out the glasses and gotten contacts, and due to my new size I can wear more fashionable clothing. It's awful that this would make a difference to people.
 
But I can't say that I'm not pleased. After spending most of my life as the fat girl, I am going to soak up some of this attention. I am happily married and would never want anything to change that, but my "Inner Goddess" was smiling and jumping up and down everytime a cute guy would slow down while passing my table to say hi, how's it going. (Had to reference 50 Shades ) My husband enjoys my new self confidence and the fact that I don't mind going into public anymore. But this definitely was yet another change that I was not anticipating and one that I'll gladly take!
 
Anyone else notice these changes in themselves??
 
I have always worked in a nursing home or a rehab in my short career as a nurse and you know how the elderly can be so blatant and forward?? Well, I used to get comments from my patients ALL the time about my weight, so come January when this job is done with for the year and I look for a new job, I wonder how my patients will speak to me then and what changes will be made there?
 
tata for now!

So I haven't been on here for awhile, life has gotten very very busy!! I see that I have lost almost 60 lbs since my last entry. I am oh so close to my goal. My problem these last few weeks has been the dreaded plateau. But I exercise daily, and I try to eat right. I think my biggest struggles are getting enough food in to meet an adequate calorie count (I know they say calorie counts don't matter but even when I tell them that my daily calorie intake is only 600-1000 calories even they are concerned). I'm just not hungry. And add in exercising 500 calories a day, then you can see that I'm basically stopping my own metabolism with the calories in/out. So I know why I'm not losing any more weight now just to fix it. Greek yogurt still is my go to. The protein intake struggle is still there. I'm lucky to get 60g a day, nevermind the 80-100 I should...
 
But some positive things..
 
Last Friday I participated in, for the first time in my life, a cardio kickboxing class. I don't know why it was called a kickboxing class, there was def no kicking involved. The biggest thing for me was that I was able to keep up with the other girls, most of which were athletes!! For once I was considered an equal instead of the "fat girl in gym class" that my brain was used to. Downside?? I kinda overdid it with my MS and haven't been able to walk too well over the weekend. But I did it!! Now just to wonder about going back
 
Even better news, December 7, my husband got a kidney transplant. Something that we were told never to expect because of how highly sensitized he was from his first transplant. We never expected that phone call and even more miraculous was the fact that the woman who passed was the equivialent of his twin, there was no better match. We pray for her and her family every day for this gift of life she gave him. I have my husband back!
 
The weight loss has greatly improved my MS symptoms, I can exercise without going into a relapse (ahem as long as I don't go crazyy), I use the elliptical every day for 40 min then tone and do strengthening to try and tighten up some of this skin. I am determined not to have skin removal surgery.
 
What else....
 
I will upload a new updated pic later on. What a difference when I look at my pictures on facebook!! But I definitely need to pay attention more to my eating..
 
Till later all!! Take care!

It's been six months since my doctor removed 85% of my stomach. Since then, I haven't had any regrets...unless you take in consideration the thought that went through my head when I woke up while they were removing my breathing tube. But I don't count that since I was all drugged up and not thinking straight. Also, having Nurse Hatchet didn't help matters. However, with fall here and winter around the corner, I have to admit, there are a times I miss it a little. Not much, only a little bit. Like, I wish I had 25% of my stomach instead of 15%. Now, before you all go jumping on my back allow me to explain.
 
Tonight for dinner I made homemade chicken and dumplings. Now, that's bad enough for a sleever but I had to add more temptation to the mix. I had to make corn bread from scratch as well. I mean come on, you can't have one with out the other. It's just not Southern!!!! No self respecting Southerner would make chicken and dumplings with out making cornbread. And, though I'm not quite Southern...I'm below the Mason-Dixon line, so I'm close enough. LOL Also, I started feeling bad for my husband. Since my surgery, his diet has consisted of PB&Js and chicken. Not at the same time. But considering he's a meat and potato man, it's been a hard six months for him. He considers it a treat if I stop at McDonald's for him. Which is VERY hard for me as the smell has always turned my stomach but after surgery it's even worse.
 
So, I decided that if I were going to make him eat chicken again, I would make something he enjoys. I thought I would be fine with it. I know I can have about 1/4 a cup (a little less) of the chicken and dumplings (mostly chicken...maybe one or two dumplings) and maybe a bite of two of the cornbread. The problem is, I had forgotten how much I love both of these things. This is one thing my tastes buds did not change their opinion of....which isn't a good thing. Why couldn't they find both as disgusting as they find Whey protein? Or better yet, like Whey protein and hate the other?
 
So, after a little nibble of cornbread (a very little nibble), I wanted to eat the whole pan! This is the first time in six months that I've wanted to just gorge myself. Then, top it off with the chicken and dumplings and I actually had the thought of, "Man, I wish I had my stomach right now!" WHAT??? Why am I thinking thoughts like this? I know I won't over eat any of this yummy stuff in my kitchen but the thought of, "I would if I could", crossed my mind more than once.
 
Now, the reason I find this so strange is that I have always been a carb fanatic. I loved bread and pasta. I could eat a whole loaf of fresh baked bread in one sitting with no bad feelings. However, since surgery, I haven't really craved either things. Don't get me wrong, there are times I will have a little less than a 1/2 slice of wheat bread, toasted, with some type of protein but most times, i don't even think about it. That was not the case today. Those simple carbs wanted me and I have to admit, I wanted them. The attraction is still there despite how far we have both moved on with our lives.
 
So, with all this said, it's a good thing I only have 15% of my tummy. Because no matter how good either look, smell or taste....I wouldn't give up my 100+ pound weight loss for either things. That doesn't mean I can't dream about them...and how yummy a big bowl of chicken and dumplings and two or three slices of homemade, buttery cornbread would taste.....yes, I can dream and lose weight or I can eat and slime and possibly stretch my tummy out. I'll take that dream and weight loss any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
 
So readers, have you had anything like this happen to you yet? I think for me it has more to do with fall and winter coming and what I consider "comfort" food. All the warm, cheesy, gooey, stick to your ribs (and add pound after pound to your weight) has always been one if not the only good thing about a cold winter day. Looks like I'm going to have to find something else to take it's place....let's just hope it's not more chicken. I think my husband will finally leave me if I don't come up with something new for us to eat. I swear if he found a woman who cooked like I used to, he'd be a little tempted to cheat on me just for the food. Just kidding....I know he would never do it JUST for the food. LOL

It has been 7 months today since I had my sleeve.My goodness how different has this been from having the band.
 
The good.I weighed 195.8 today.Hehehe,couldnt say 196 could I?That is down 101.2 pounds since surgery.I am not a compulsive eater anymore.Neither am I a couch potato anymore.I play squash twice a week and exercise at least 3 other times per week.I am shrinking by the day and I am beginning to feel really good about this.I cannot eat away my emotions so I am slightly more moody but more in touch with myself as well.I am somewhat more serious now,dont always have to laugh or joke away my pain about my weight.I have been at this weight quite a few times before in my life so I am now excited to get thin for the first time in 22 years.
 
My bloodwork came back perfect.All my vitamin problems seems to have been solved with the shots I have received and my platelets are now normal.
 
The bad.Somehow I got a hernia on the right side where the dr's used the same spot for all 3 keyhole surgeries.It is painful to move and you must see me tape my stomach to play squash.I am also allergic to plaster so it is a vicious cycle at the moment as I cannot find compression garment that would help,plasters got to do the job for now.No one will do surgery until I am at my goal weight as it will be part of the body lift to fix this.
 
Since surgery I have had petechiae on my torso, upper legs and back 4 times (tiny little point bleeds all over the place) I am full of bruises and I thought it was because my B12 was quite low since surgery.Had a full house of bloods done this week and my dr phoned me this morning saying everything is perfect,even the D is 40 now and the B12 is almost too high,stop the pills and no injections anymore.When I asked him what ia causing the spots and bruises then he just said I dont know.This is a concern to me as where i pulled the little tape they puton after drawing the blood there is a bid red bleed under the skin now,not where the needle was in,but from the pressure of the tape.My theory about the spots is that every time I had a B12 injection I got the spots.And since I started taking the pills it came out again.Dr says not possilbe but there is a direct relationship between the 2.Anyhow,will keep an eye on it.
 
The extra skin is a nightmare but as I am single and not planning on being anything different,it is ok until I can get to goal and start scraping together the courage to go for plastics.My little one says my body is like a jelly spilling out of a cup..lol.
 
My body image is still seriously warped but I "feel" and "see" myself with the scale now and that helps a lot.i still wear a size 18,sometimes 16 clothes which seems very big still but I look much smaller than that as I am tall.Would really like to go to smaller sizes though.
 
Friendships have changed.It is super difficult to be with some of my very overweight friends now.They seem to be so uncomfortable around me.I do see why.We use to be fat together.We always talked and complained about it.We couldnt walk,run or do anything else and now all of this have changed for me.I am excited about life and really try to never make them feel bad about themselves.I do worry about them though as at our age the health issues are so many if you've been fat for so long.I dont say anything and try to never say anything about my surgery or weight loss.We dont eat cake together anymore but hey,I still do lunch.My best friend however have lost 28 pounds since I have had my surgery.She is only 4'11 and is still about 8 pounds from her goal weight but she looks fantastic.She wasnt going to stay chubby while I was losing weight and it has been a delight and pain in the butt as she lives on carbs even now.She still eats about 1800 cals every day and sometimes I find that hard.Jealous of what she can eat...lol.Not really!
 
The ugly.I am severly constipated since surgery.This is a big problem but I hope that once I get to goal and can increase my complex carbs I can add a lot of fibre to my diet.I also have hemoroids that I am never ever going to go to the dr for.This is the biggest and most terrible thing that could have happened to me..lol.No really.I hate this and dont know what to do about it.People say that the surgery for this is excruciating.Not happening!
 
The good.Did I say the good?Since the sleeve I have had to deal with the fact that I have been fat and extremely unhappy and on diet all of my adult life.It was an obsession like no other.It ruled every waking moment of my life.Honestly,I could never stop talking aout my weight,my diet,my failure,my excuse to not so stuff.I had zero self confidence in so many aspects of my life.This I have had to come to terms with now.I kissed out on a lot of things because I was too ashamed to do anything.My world (and Im an expat living in a foreign country) was always quite small and my life lived in anticipation of the day I would be thin,that was when I was going to start living see.
 
The sadness I experienced when different things started being possilbe was unbelievable.The regret of so much time waisted made me so depressed for a few months.But I have thought about all this a lot and I chose to move on now.Time is ticking by and regrets doesnt add to your life it just steals more time from it.I now choose to feel good about each day.
 
My attitude about food has changed.Tonight,after our weekend,we sat in the lounge after dinner and this use to be a big eating night in my life.I felt like a snack,not chips or chocolates...edamame beans...lol.My friend still thinks Im nuts as I really couldnt think of anything nicer to snack on.I go to the beach every day and we use to always eat on the beach,now I dont even think about it.
 
This whole process is sometimes difficult for me because I really wanted to be skinny yesterday..lol.My impatience drives me up the walls some days but this seems to be a great lesson to me too.I am a little less self centered,even though every sentence here started with I...lol and a bit more compassionate to others.
 
Weight loss surgery doesnt fix everything in life and I will surely always be somewhat OCD and messed up but I at least now look normal..lol.I dont really have the desire to just blend in with the crowd anymore as I realized unless I cut something off i will always be taller than most people I know.Other people's opinion of me doesnt really matter that much anymore and this is a great freedom in my life.I was a real peoples pleaser all my life and we know that you cant please all of the people all of the time, which made me very unhappy before.
 
My mother and sister is on a super strict diet as they are so scared I am going to be thinner than them when they see me in December and that can just be good for them.
 
So life is good.And I might freak out soon again if I have another stall,but thats life!
 
 
 
 

So, I went to my first pre op doctor's appt today and am excited to say that I am down 27lbs so far. The down side is that she wants me to stay on the liquid diet for one more week because she says that she does a very tight sleeve. But overall she said I am doing good and I really do feel great!!!!!!!!!!!