parisshel

Today, at a routine visit with a new lapband surgeon, I learned my band had slipped. Rather than being at the traditional 45 degree angle, it was pretty much vertical. I was not experiencing any pain or other sign that anything was off, other than some esophegal spasms from time to time. But I'd had those spasms since being banded in 2013, so this wasn't worrisome to me. I actually set up this appointment just for a routine band check. I used a new surgeon because my banding surgeon would not respond to any phone calls or emails. The new surgeon doesn't do lapbands anymore and hasn't in years, but he knows bands and showed me on the xray what a slipped band looks like. Those of you who've followed by lapband story (from "Fantastic tool! Wish I'd done this years ago!" to "uh-oh. I'm having some complications") know that my band has been pretty much dormant (with little restriction) since I developed heart arrythmia (due to the band's placement). Still, I kept the band in, mainly because I don't relish the idea of surgery, but also since the damage was done and removal wasn't going to fix my heart. I figured a dormant band was better than no band, in terms of helping keep my weight down. But now it has to come out. I will not be moving forward with any other weight loss surgery, for reasons that I will keep off this board so I don't offend any members who have opted for revisions. My emotions right now include being angry that I ever chose the lapband (I hate that fact I fell on the wrong side of the statistics) to being sad that I wasn't one of the successful bandsters I had been so certain I'd be. I'm also frankly fearful of the surgery and how my heart arrythmia will be managed during the procedure, but I'm sure the surgeon can address these fears. I'll close this now with great thanks to all of you who were in my original bandster cohort (March 2013). So many of you are no longer on this board (whatever happened to Carolina Girl?) which I'm hoping means that you are all out there living good, slim lives. For those who are still around, thank you for all the inspiration and support you show each other.

Yes, this thread has been an enlightening read. This topic of how our obesity shaped the way we view the world--even for those who are no longer obese--is a topic meriting its own thread. I know for a fact that everything I do in life, every single choice I've ever made, is done from the lens of a fat person. When you are fat from childhood (I tipped over into the "fat" category in third grade, and it was all downhill from there), especially in a time when few kids were fat (unlike today, where it is more normalized), it is rare that you grow up relating to the world in a way that a slender person would. This is of course my perception, and there are certainly people out there whose experience differs, but I know that my personality was vastly shaped by growing up fat and therefore different from my classmates. So when we shed that fat, after years of moving through the world dodging society's slights and insults, we don't really have any kind of touchpoint for knowing how to relate to potential love interests. It is so very normal that newly-thin people are confused in the dating world. I don't have any solution but I suppose it is like being a teenager again, with all the passion and heartbreak that accompanies that stage of life. You just have to walk through it, learn your lessons, and hopefully come out of it with a great and worthy mate.

What is over-granulisation?

You can certainly enjoy being thin and not have to be in any fetishist's club. One does not imply the other, so don't worry about that. I find what you are describing to be as offensive as homophobia or racism. You wouldn't give a guy a second date if he said on the first date how much he hated blacks or asians, or how much he despised gay people, right? So just use these very disrespectful, but informative,l comments as a way to sort out men you would never be compatible with, and keep sifting through the crap until you find your gold. I remember years ago having a first date with a man who, over coffee, began to diss on his employers. "They are Jewish, so of course they are stingy and my salary isn't what it should be." "Oh really?" I said. "I know a lot of Jewish people who aren't like that." "Who?" he asked. "Well," I began, "my parents, for instance." There was never a second date, of course, but what a great insight into who this man was.

Please see your doctor and have the band checked with the proper examinations. Your pain could be esophegal spasms so ask about that.

@FinallyFit50s: Totally agree. The same for if they ask how I dress. That's another indication that they are they type of man I would never be compatible with. If you are looking for a doll, I suggest buying a sex robot.

I can't speak for the type of WLS you are considering, but I would never have had a lapband had I known I'd develop complications from it. (Obviously.) But for those who are complication-free, WLS is a game-changer and a life-enhancer. My advice for those considering WLS is be smart. Find the best, most-experienced bariatric practice. Do hours of research. Learn about all complications and ask yourself if you can live with any/all of them, compared with how you are living now. Demand 100% compliance from yourself, and be ready for this. You cannot game WLS and expect a the kind of outcome you want.

@FinallyFit50s: Your list is precisely my list. I remember one guy I dated being all up in my thing because of the "must have gainful employment/pension" detail. I explained that these were my values. I wasn't looking for someone to support me; I just had the self-awareness to know I could never get on with a man who felt the desire to "live off the grid."

@rosepose: Thanks for your feedback which I read with interest. PMing you now.

Congratulations on being down 45 pounds. That is fantastic, and even though you aren't at perfect fill level yet, something is working for you! IMHO, small fills are more prudent than large ones. The experience of being overfilled and then having to return to get some fill taken out is not productive and I think makes things harder as once you are de-filled, it is really hard to get back (or feel for the first time) optimal fill level. Ask anyone whose been defilled and they will tell you how difficult it is to regain the sweet spot. I'd rather have a fill-person who allows me to "creep up" to perfect fill level, even if the process is costly/inconvenient/bothersome for those who don't like needles. So no, having 12 fills doesn't seem odd to me, just prudent (and I wish I had your fill-person!). It would be good to reframe expectations. You will be doing most of this weight loss "on your own." You've probably already realized this. WLS is, at best, 10% of the process. Your band will allow you to eat less and feel full on less volume, so the 90% of the process which is you doing the work will be easier than doing this without WLS. The fact that many surgeons aren't upfront about this doesn't surprise me--WLS is an incredibly profit-bearing industry so they aren't going to try and dissade you. That said, with your band you've still got the edge over someone who hasn't got a tool, so remember it's there and let it help you.

@OKCPirate: Yes. I've seen (or been sent) that. It's hilarious!

@CowgirlJane: I think what you've written is so very true. For men, you can be completely psycho but as long as you are pretty, they'll put up with it.

You are correct. They won't work on any parts of this area that are viewable to the public. But you will lose weight in your mons area (the fat pad).

You'll only hear regrets from those who developed complications or had no weight-loss result with the band. (The band doesn't seem to work on a small percentage of people, but this can't be predicted beforehand, unfortunately.) It's the same with every weight loss surgery; not just the lapband. For obvious reasons, you'll never have a "yes, I regret that I did this" response to your question from a successful bandster! I loved my band for one year. I had good success and my band delivered on its promises: diminished appetite and better-than-doing-this-with-a-diet weight loss. And then I developed complications. Quality-of-life affecting complications. My band sits (or migrated) on my vagus nerve and the pressure of the band provoked arrythmia, in the form of Afib which is now part of my heart's electrics (so removing the band would not solve the issue). So my response is two-fold: I had zero regrets for the first year, and thought that I had FINALLY found a liveable, easy-to-sustain solution to my weight problem. But now I have enormous regrets, in that my life is completely changed and I wish I had never chosen the lapband. When people ask me if they should do WLS, I always respond: Envision all the complications that can ensue, and ask yourself if you can live with any of them should you fall on the wrong side of the statistics.

@treblecutie23: You are not going to like hearing this, but I'm going to say it anyway: Run. Run fast. Do not stay emeshed in this situation. His behavior is one big red flag. You deserve someone who can love you wholly. I guarantee that if you stay with this man, you will be giving yourself endless grief. Let him go. Let him tend to her (if what he says is true.) Don't ask him to share his alliances between the ex and you. There are thousands of men to love out there. Go get one who is free.

@RILEYSMOM22: Precisely! I had strict criteria when I was online dating (back in 2007), when I was in my late forties: --Had to have been married or in a significantly longterm, live-in relationship. Anything else I wouldn't touch with a barge pole. History is predictive, and any man my age who hadn't committed to a woman was not someone I would have been compatible with. These men are better off seeking women who have a similar non-nesting instinct. --Had to have a job equal to or more-income producing than my own. This is NOT because I'm a gold-digger (Oh, how I wish!) but because revenue stream is also predictive of compatibility. I could never ever be in a relationship with someone not working (unless it is a trust-funder, and even then he would have to be an active philanthropist) as being a slacker would not be compatible with how I live my life. --Similar educational background --No addictions. I was clear about this in my profile. No smokers, no drinkers, no stoners, no gamblers, no philanderers. I did date a smoker, but his subsequent heart attack took care of that addiction nicely. In sum, I would not date anyone who had more problems than I did. That's my rule of thumb in the dating world.

I totally remember dating some men (divorced men) whose personalities and habits had me stunned to think that these men had actually had first wives, i.e., someone actually had loved these guys enough to marry them! This is particularly true with internet dating, which is why, if I found myself single now, I'd NEVER internet date. My experience was that the dating sites were repositories of the worst of the worst. It makes sense. Any good man, a man well-educated, polite, loving and kind? He would still be married.

How about exercizing in Water? Or sitting in a chair and lifting small weights? Or bicycling (even a stationary bike)? I'd consult a physiotherapist and get some recommendations. Surely you had someone who oversaw your rehab after surgery.

Sure, I'd go back and see the Dr. It wouldn't hurt, and it is always prudent to have the band checked every year anyway (for placement, pouch dialation, etc).

You may need more fill, but also it is important to distinguish between head hunger and real hunger. When I think I'm hungry, I ask myself if some chicken breast and green Beans sounds good. If it doesn't, but "cake" sounds really good, then I know it is not real hunger, but head hunger. You may need more fill, but also it is important to distinguish between head hunger and real hunger. When I think I'm hungry, I ask myself if some chicken breast and green beans sounds good. If it doesn't, but "cake" sounds really good, then I know it is not real hunger, but head hunger.

Oh, love's bliss has got your mind elsewhere!!! I have full confidence you'll reign in the eating/drinking because you know how important this is. Constant, consistant vigilance indeed. I think this is where the band is a tougher tool than, say, the sleeve or bypass. Because it does allow us so much more leeway, whereas the other tools have much more dramatic consequences to not remaining compliant. Sending you renewed committment, and total confidence that you will take off the 10 lbs and get back to your new normal.

Agree with @JustWatchMe. A fill level can be great for a bit, and then change. Even over a couple of days. What is your band total size? Most of what I lost was lost at 3.0 in a 10.0 band. In any case, work your band hard this first year. Results are less spectacular after one year, so try and get most of your weight off in the first 12 months.

I would suspect you are not alone, and it sounds to me like you've asked for what you need and have been given it. There are many people who live in these types of arrangements (let me state that I'm not one of them, but I totally understand those that have them). Hey, Europeans have been doing this since the earth cooled. Where it could get even more complicated is: 1) You secondary partner (the work guy) will not want to share you with your primary partner and you'll have to make a choice 2) You will find that emotionally and physically you can't balance the two relationships 3) Your primary partner, who has given you a green light to see other men, decides that this is not tolerable and will come to resent the situation. He may not express this outright (since you state he doesn't discuss his feelings) but he'll make you pay for it in subtle ways. In any case, how this moves forward will reveal itself in time, of that I'm certain. In answer to your last question, statistically WLS patients end up leaving a relationship in which there were issues prior to WLS. I can't remember what the statistic was precisely, and I'm too lazy to Google it, but this happens. We decide we are worth more, and/or we settled and now want more, or (as in my case) the fierceness acquired by the weight loss just transfers over into other areas of our lives and makes us willing to take the risks necessary to having the life we've always wanted.

I think the only people who have regrets about having had WLS are those who encountered complications. That said, I've read a couple of pieces in mainstream media by WLS patients who regret having had the surgery because the weight loss messed with their heads quite a bit. The takeaway is this: inform yourself of all complications and ask yourself if you can live with any of these should they arise. And make sure you are ready and live life without the fatsuit. So people have real issues inhabiting their new body. (I didn't, but then again, I'm still fat.)

@@katybelle7 makes an important point. WLS is most effective the first year postop. So you really need to hit it hard during that time, in order to get off the maximum amount of weight while your WLS is functioning at its best. The hope is that once your hunger hormones and metabolism try and kick back in, you'll have the momentum needed to keep the weight off (or keep on going down if need be). But to answer your question about why you have difficulties doing this without surgery. It's quite simple. WLS will dial down the amount you can eat/absorb plus the drive/cravings to eat. Especially in its first year. So in that way, it is not at all like traditional dieting. You'll see: without the hunger or capacity to consume the amount of calories that keeps you at a high weight, you will be able to eat smaller amounts which will fill you up. So you are effectively eating like a naturally-slim person, and without the frustration that traditional dieting keeps alive. Traditional diets don't work, as we have to be constantly fighting the hunger and constantly eating below what our stomachs need to feel full...it's so crazy depressing--no wonder no one succeeds at it longterm. WLS allows you to cut down on calories almost unconsciously. I mean you still have to pick nutrionally-dense foods that are compliant with your WLS post op diet, but it doesn't drive you nuts to do so. It's much much easier than trying to do this the old-fashioned way. If you take the leap, you'll see.