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Birdy18

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Blog Entries posted by Birdy18

  1. Birdy18

    Food Mourning

    By Birdy18,

    Today marks 10 days post op. Other than the acid reflux and slight weakness, I've had a relatively easy recovery which I'm truly thankful for. For the first week or so post op, there was no way I could even think of food. It's been a struggle to just get in the fluids I need, much less the protein. I haven't hit those goals yet but it does get better and better every day.
     
    While I'm really thankful for the by-the-book recovery so far, the past few days I've experienced a combination of actual and head hunger. While I know very little actual food would make me full quickly, I am really struggling with missing my friend, food. It's a mix of an unhealthy emotional reliance, an actual love for food and cooking (I will always be a foodie), and feeling a bit sorry for myself on what I'm missing out on - I'm Chinese and from a big family.
     
    As part of my recovery, I've been home with my parents and grandparents and food is so central to my culture. It's hard not taking part in my big family dinners where my aunts and uncles and cousins come, and it tests my every ounce of strength to help cook and not partake. I know this won't always be that way, and I've forced myself to confront these thoughts during my pre op emotional readiness, but the truth is - my all time favorite foods are shared with my family and sweet or carb based: claypot chicken rice, chewy korean spare ribs, chow fun, I could go on. I'm at a point now where I'm really sad and missing these foods. I want to be at a place where I can healthily balance a majority of protein but also be able to enjoy in a moderate balance the things I love - much of which include rice and noodles.
     
    I also feel cheated because I didn't indulge in a "last meal". My surgeon's team advised against it and other than a few healthy cheat bites during my 14-day pre op, have been very by the book as far as my doctor's instructions have been. And while I love, love, LOVE the 25 lbs I've lost since my pre op began, a part of me (ok a larger part because I'm craving my favorites right now) regrets not indulging in my favorite foods that I won't be able to have for a while now.. until my stomach has healed in full and when I'm further along in my weight loss progress.
     
    I've since TORTURED myself. I say it's a testament of my strength, but I am going through my favorite food blogs because all I'm craving are my favorite Asian comfort foods. I work in social media and Pinterest is like my hell right now because of the amazing food photography. I may or may not have actually DROOLED thinking about curry fried rice with roast pork or crispy peking duck on pillowy baos. I'm almost ashamed at how difficult of a time I'm having with actual comfort food withdrawal. I suppose it goes with the territory. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't a full on food addict.
     
    I guess this all boils down to me really questioning whether I did the right thing. I know, deep down, that I did. And I know that as more weight comes off and the harder I work and the further out I get that I will fully feel that this is the right decision. But frankly, right now, I feel weak. I miss my favorite foods. I am tired, weak, full of head hunger and have found myself wondering if this was the wrong decision - even cried about it. I read posts from vets on this forum who are 1, 2, 3 years out and am filled with such jealousy that they've found the happy medium of being able to have the foods they love but in moderation. I feel like that's so far away for me and I'm in a dark place right now that I know I'll be able to pull myself out of eventually but right now.. I just don't know how to think about it and every day is a struggle!
  2. Birdy18
    So is it weird that I scheduled my surgery date (Aug 20 which is permanently etched into my brain, lest I forget) before I've had insurance approval? For a whole slew of life reasons, I actually need to have this surgery as quickly as possible.
     
    First, I've moved from deciding on the band to the sleeve.
    Initial PCP appointment? Check.
    Psychiatric? Check.
    Nutritionist? Check.
     
    I have to go in to see my surgeon tomorrow morning so it can officially be noted that I've seen him for the sleeve instead of the band. THEN, in go the insurance forms.
     
    In addition to everything going through my head - first surgery ever, weeks of liquid diets, fears of will this work - I'm now one thousand percent terrified that my insurance company won't approve me. I can't really afford the actual time to delay the surgery during an appeal so this has taken over my all-consuming thoughts.
     
    I have BCBS Illinois/PPO, and from the looks of things it looks like that's a good thing. I had the least amount of prereq's - no requirements for 9 month long medically supervised weight loss attempts (hi, welcome to 28 years of my life kthxbye) - but aside from having a BMI over 40, I'm 28 and don't have any other health issues or co morbidities: no sleep apnea, normal blood pressure, no joint pain, etc. I know NOTHING about insurance approvals, but I'm wondering if not having any of those issues will actually hurt my approval or not?
     
    I just need to know soon - put me out of my misery!! Anyone have any good luck with a BCBS of IL PPO? Would love to hear the positive insurance approvals at this point.
     
    Yours in all my neurotic glory,
    Birdy
  3. Birdy18
    Hello, world. I thought I'd take the time to formally list out my non scale victory goal list. Having been around the weight loss block and back again oh say.. 10 times over (enough already!).. I recognize the importance of setting scale and non scale victories for myself.
     
    As a young lay-daaay (oh, haaaai!) who has been overweight all my life but with a trendy, fashion-loving sense of style, I have a long one. Sure, I have my weight and health goals. Of course. I've had them for years. But now's the time to list out every detail - big and small - that I have wanted to get to my entire life but due to my weight, have yet to achieve... and keep.
     
    Mr. List - I vow to come back to you throughout my weight loss journey for motivation, reminders, celebrations and reality checks.. for those plateaus and frustrating times to keep me going. I'm starting with 18 because I'm a superstitious freak and that's my lucky number. Ready, set...
    Fitting into designer skinny jeans. Not James Jeans from Salon Z at Saks (though I do love you, boo), but honest to goodness designer denim: Sevens, J Brand, Joe's.
    Tankini... or, dare I say it.. bikini?
    Sitting in a chair without something in my lap - a sweater, HUGE BAG, or hiding behind a table to hide the rolls of my stomach. Who am I fooling?
    The end of thigh chafing. TMI, but Chicago summers? Come ON.
    More easily tying or strapping on m'shoes sans tummy to make things difficult.
    The end of plus sized clothing options.
    Confidence to show my arms.
    Rock a Rent the Runway dress (standard sizing) for the next wedding I attend!
    Courage and energy for spinning classes at Fly Wheel or Soul Cycle
    Easily do ten perfect push ups - the bain of my existence in all my current workout vids!
    Zipping into my favorite top from my studying abroad (thinnest days)
    Fitting into any clothing item smaller than an XL or single digits
    Shop in the same stores/sections as my girlfriends and be able to buy more than just accessories!
    Take photos without hiding behind people.
    Actually needing a belt. (Not just for a fashion statement)
    Able to be carried...
    On top. Nuff said.
    Cross my legs... easily, with a sky high pair of platforms, natch.

    More to come! Anybody else? What are your NSV goals, hopes or achievements? Mine may seem random or superficial, but so many times in my life I've wanted to be able to more easily do these things but my weight has prevented me from enjoying them.
  4. Birdy18
    I'm 28, live in Chicago, love to travel, discover new restaurants, all things girly or glamorous, and big cities. For the most part, I've lived a happy, healthy life despite being overweight for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was always chubby... soon that turned into overweight. Despite having an outgoing personality and great friends, I still remember every mean comment hurled at me from grade school, middle school and high school.
     
    As a young child, I remember one of my aunts would pull me aside and have me do arm circles. I remember hearing family members and family friends ask my parents how I would find anybody to love being as big as I was. I come from a family who loves food, who's full of great cooks, and is centered around grand meals. I myself, love to cook. I'm what I say an equal opportunity food lover - I love all kinds of food, ethnic, hole in the walls, five-star gourmet, you name it. My father used to reward me with bad foods - whether it was because I earned it, he wanted it, or to cheer me up.
     
    As a senior in high school, I began what would be ten years of up's and down's on Weight Watchers - losing about the same 40 lbs over and over again only to restart a bit higher every time. Ten years later, I'm at my highest weight at 249 when I decided on WLS.
     
    After discussing it with my family, surgeon, primary care physician (whom I love and adore), I went from thinking about the band to firmly on the sleeve. I have 100 lbs to lose. I don't think I've ever said that before or put that thought out there in the world. One hundred lbs. That is a terrifying, daunting thought. But I know I can do it. I know that everything from here on out will be challenging.
     
    I'm full of terrifying fears. The same thoughts run through my head as I wait for insurance approval and the date of my surgery: August 20, 2012. What if I can't do this? What if I fail? How will I mourn my relationship and comfort with food and get past the mental hunger? I'm so terrified I'll go through a permanent, life altering surgery and not have the will power or strength to succeed.
     
    ... And yet, I know I will. I will because I have to. Because I deserve it. I don't underestimate the constant battle that I'll have missing how I am used to eat, what I do to comfort myself during sadness, stress, hell - even happiness. And that I'll have to work out a lot of those mental issues. But I've struggled with my weight for my entire life. I don't have any comorbidities now, but I know that if I stay my weight or on the track that I've been headed - that I will.
     
    I want a chance at a healthier, happier life. Full of scale and non scale victories. To stop the torturous relationship and horrible cycle that I have with my weight and food. I want, for once in my life, to be within a healthy weight range! To not always be the fat friend or get the line, "but you have the prettiest face!" I want so much more out of life than what I've been able to do for myself so far - and I know I will find the strength in me to work, challenge, encourage and most of all, be kind to myself to do this. For me. That's my story so far, but this is only just the beginning...

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