BlessedBeyondMeasure2012

RJ's, and all:
You said:
"People are talking about me...People are waiting to see me...People are looking at me..People are making judgments about me. I just wanted to become invisible...No one would look at me because I was no longer morbidly obese..It does not seem to have happened.....I was scared! "
One of the few GREAT things about being fat was invisability. All people would see is "oh, there's a FAT guy" and never look further. And I LIKED being invisable. But no more (though being an OLD guy is not bad for the same reason).
Again, a GREAT and honest thread.
In the end, what choice do I have? Really... The choice for me is life or death, and I still want a little more healthy years. The payment may feel steep, but all in all it's a fair trade.
PS, I love you all... all my "newly visable" compatriots!

It's insane! Why do we do that?! I do that too and then feel worse:(
I'm sorry you're havin a hard time RJ...i think you're wonderful and apparently an inspiration to more than us on here:)

Well I will say, that the way that was said to you was stalker like. So I would be a little weirded out too.But speaking of the invisible thing?
I've thought about that and really I was more visible when I was obese.. I thought I was hiding in plain site but the fact of the matter I was in plain site but not invisible.
I think that's why when I started losing weight I felt uncomfortable with compliments..
If they notice then crap! I wasn't hiding they still saw me and they saw me HUGE!!
Much more invisible now.. I blend in quite nicely as matter of fact..
RJ you fell into an old behavior for a minute but all is not lost. You are recognizing what got you there today.. now you can work on dealing with it differently.

Laura, again, a wonderful topic, thank you
My life seems like it's more in balance, but I feel like it is definitely getting in the way of the sleeve. I've been back to work full time for 6 weeks and after 3 years of working part time at home, it has been a sea change. Just relearning how to plan ahead in feeding myself during the day has taken some getting used to, forget about accommodating other people in my life. I was much happier in my little cocoon of sleeve-land.

RJ, I've done the same thing so many times I go out on the world and get good feedback I'm giddy with happiness and I come home and stuff!It took me many years to even recognize that one..I knew I ate to comfort but the joy or happy I look good eating confused me..
I'm having small victories with this one lately and it's a good feeling.

Nurse B. I just wanna say.....I'm 19 months post op, and you just described me. I love my sleeve and I love my new life.
BUT....the road is not easy. Don't ever think you are the only one struggling with it. You're not alone. Sometimes I bite my tongue and try not to complain about the things that are hard....not because I'm so positive and optimistic, but because I'm trying to convince myself how much I'm loving it. But in reality, there are days I'd like to eat my weight in chocolate.

I feel that way about "putting it away", I just feel a ton of emotions about the sleeve. I wouldn't change it, I love the weight loss, I just wish I didn't miss food so bad. I think the biggest thing for me is finding out why I'm so attached to food, it's really making me see things differently. It can be freeing, and great to replace food with other things I enjoy, but then I get sad as well. I am learning so much about myself, so I have the sleeve to thank for that. I think we all could use a non biased third party to talk to, I know for me there isn't any hiding behind my humor or weight anymore when I need to deal with an issue. Thank you for opening up, and for allowing me to get my thoughts down. It feels glorious to be honest without the fear of judgement.

It can be hard yes.. I guess when I went into this I had an attitude that I was taking my free will away for awhile... And I needed that. I could not be trusted with food emotions and endless capacity. I think it's hard for a lot of people the first few months. Weight loss aside you have to sit with your emotions, boredom, stress, without turning to food and that can be uncomfortable..
I'm glad you are getting help. It does go hand in hand, having the sleeve and seeking therapy for disordered eating.
I'd be lying if I said I have never had moments especially in the beginning that I wished I could put the sleeve away for awhile so I could pig out (binge) just for the sake of pigging out...

I also consider myself a food addict. I think about food constantly, before and after the sleeve. I feel lonely with the sleeve, because I can't come home pop open the fridge and binge my head off. I want to just go through the drive through, or eat a normal dinner. I sometimes feel bad that I have to count Water intake or Protein. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to lose weight, but this is hard. I actually get mad when I feel full and I can't eat anymore, my head is screaming that I am still hungry, it's not enough!! I am scared that once I am able to eat, I will fail at this. I feel like the only thing stopping me from eating poorly is the fear of harming my sleeve. I am working on these issues, but it is difficult sometimes to come on here and see so many people absolutely love their sleeve and love their lives, like their road is really easy. I do love the sleeve, and I do love my life. But sometimes I just want to say THIS SUCKS, but I fear people will dog on me for that. I'm not ungrateful, I am frustrated and yes, whiny, and being a baby about stupid things. Thank you for your post, it's nice to know other people feel the sleeve can be all encompassing. Also, if one more of my co workers ask if I can have this or that yet (all bad foods), I am going to scream.

Thank you all for sharing. I had a band journey, and now I have a sleeve journey. I know from the band that it is not all easy peasy beautiful. It's a struggle and emotionally challenging. I'm 2 days out of my sleeve surgery and find myself scouring these boards. You are real, you are honest, and I'm proud to be able to share my journey with all of you. I realize I'm not alone in this battle, that others have done it, are doing it, and are, despite it all, winning the war. I don't even "know" you folks, but I value and honor your input, honesty and caring. Big group hug!

What a WONDERFUL thread.
Historically, the stress of work has been my nemisis. Not this time, I shall retire very soon, for LOTS of reasons, but a big one will be to permit me to focus on me without the work stressors.
And every day is planning, is work, every day, so, to quote from Happiness Stan:
he ploddy- ploddy forward into the deep thunder-mould of the complicating Forrie to sortin' it this one out, matey.

Every response here has been so interesting. The only person I know of who found balance perfectly was Mr Miagi. (?)... I keep extra Protein Shakes at work along with pouches of tuna and beef Jerky. I dont have to worry about them going bad. I involve my kids in everything I do. They help me plan my meals, add up my Protein and exercise with me. I see it as a way to teach them healthy habits and a way to spend more time with them. I sit at the table with them..m even if I'm not eating the same things. I'm not perfect and I'm not striving to be. Perfect is boring and unsustainable. I got the sleeve because I just want to live. Yes, sometimes life gets in the way... but it's supposed to. What else would we have to remind us how lucky we are? ... btw ... I love you guys

The post above about feeling like a non-person just hits so close to home. Sometimes I am startled when I catch my reflection, not just my fatness, but at the fact that oh yeah, I'm still here. I am an actual person and not just the sum of all things I need to get done in a day. Getting sleeved will be my most selfish act in years and I can't wait.

My family has been so supportive pre-op and post-op. But there are times that I feel...I don't know the word I'm looking for. Disjointed. Not complete.
We're not in sync as a family since I returned home from surgery. I feel disconnected - not only from meal times, but the family in general. This is all new and I'm trying to figure it out. That hasn't been easy along with the recovery from surgery. I can't eat what they are eating most of the time. When I put my husband in charge of their meal, he picks up a pizza. I'm pissed at that because, "Jesus, can't you put forth more effort than that?" But then I don't want to be Debbie Downer, because let's be honest, don't we all want pizza? My son was playing with the dog the other night and she jumped up on my stomach and it hurt because my incisions are still tender - yeah, fun time is over because mom's in pain!
Tonight we're back to having game night to try to get back to some kind of normalcy. As mentioned above...BALANCE.

Best thing I've read in a long time.

At the beginning of my body change the sleeve and attending concerns enveloped the majority of my attention. The struggle to get it going, establishing guide lines, noting progress, mourning slow downs, and in the end, rejoicing exceedingly about my new body.
Now, coming up on my second year, my attention is being diverted by life itself. I am maintaining near my low weight and activity is at athletic level as I promised myself at the beginning. I had an empty feeling period when I asked myself the question, "Now what?"
This new body is just a part of who I am. It is no longer a hindrance, it now best serves me by not drawing attention to itself. It has become a vehicle to take my mind and soul to destinations and tasks. I have energy to express my heart and my body no longer blocks my reaching out.
I no longer have my body to use as an excuse for inactivity and introversion. I no longer hide behind shame. Now is the time to explore the other parts of myself and my relationship with those around me and the world in general. I have made a friend of myself and in so doing have deemed what love I have to offer as worthy to be shared. I have discovered that giving love is the quickest path to getting it.
I have a default eating, drinking, and exercise policy. I may step out for a bit but return to default quickly. I don't kick my butt for it, I am my friend now. If I don't have fun being me I won't be any fun to be around.
My grown daughter called me contagious the other day. It was one of the best things my ears have ever heard.

Model the life you want for your children. Do you want them to give themselves up for their children? Teenagers will be unhappy, it's the nature of the beast. But you living a fulfilled, happy, healthy life that includes time for them is the best present you can give. My mom set an example for me of how to be happy, strong in the face of adversity and loving without giving up her interests or life. I am grateful for that. Did she have faults? Well, yes, she is human. Lynda

I don't know. I see people using the phrase "new normal" all the time. Perhaps that is what we need to find. A new normal that encompasses all the needs of our life and still honors the needs of the ones we love. It does not have to be one or the other.
Remember part of loving someone else is giving them what they need not what they want. Your family needs you to live and be healthy (amongst other things). And they need you to have the energy to participate in their lives.
My wife doesn't like it that I spend time congregating here with people that get me. She'd rather I be with her more. But I'm giving her many more years of marriage and the energy to enjoy those years that I wasn't giving her before. Surely I would have died young had I not made the choices I have. And she knows this and is looking forward to it. Gone are her fears that I will die of obesity. And she no longer has to hike alone. She has a husband who can and will dance in public now. She likes that a lot.

I have to be honest here, because you all know I am honest. I have NOT been closely monitoring myself as I should. I don't measure or weigh. I haven't been counting Protein grams or liquid intake. I have been living. And yes, it is probably not the best way to proceed. But I am just the person I am, no more or less. When I learned to drive I was so focused on the lines on the road and lining everything up just right that I damn near wrecked several times. I get anal about things. But when the day came I thought " I am just going to point myself down the road and go, and try to stay in my lane" I got it. I have never had a ticket and the only wreck I have been in was caused by another. That is sort of how I am living with my sleeve. I am just pointing myself down the road and trying to stay in my lane. I pick healthy 98% of the time. ( And I won't lie to say I NEVER eat something I should not, because I have) I eat Protein first, and in many cases it is all I have. I still cannot consume a "meal", just an entrée. At times my mind gets carried away and I think I am eating like a horse. Then I stop and really ponder what has gone in my mouth and realize it is really, really not as bad as I was giving it credit. I drink when I can, period. I tend to drink more week days sitting at my desk because it is routine. On the weekends I don't do quite as well. But I can tell from my own body signals when I need more and when I am hitting the mark. And I have been very strongly working on getting ALL my Vitamins in daily. Again, easier on week days than week ends. Could I be doing better? Sure. I will be the first to admit I have not followed the rules of the sleeve down to the last letter. But have I been trying hard? Yes. Will I continue? Yes! Am I human? YES!!!! We all are. And to thine own self be true. No one is accountable for anything but me. I live with the body, I live with the consequences. I know I have to fight this fight, and I am. I completely understand the overwhelming feelings being a food addict brings with. I will face them the rest of my life, as I have to this point. The thing is now I feel I can do this, I can win. And if there was any way I could give strength to anyone out there who needed it, I would in a heartbeat.

I am currently smaller than I have been in at least 15 years. I can't remember what I weighed when I started college but I'm pretty sure that I haven't been this close to 200 since high school. My goal was to be 197 on Christmas. That will put me 9 months out from surgery and I will have lost 100 pounds since surgery. AND I think I can make it. I was lucky that I lost some weight before surgery so I've currently lost right at 129 pounds total and I am so thankful that I had a sleeve done. It has been one of the best decisions I've EVER made and I have no regrets (of course other than the typical "that I didn't have it done sooner" ). I have always been happy with who I am. Who I am amounts to more than how much of me there is but I have a whole new outlook on life. I feel better so I feel better about myself. I have always been someone who smiles all the time but now I seriously catch myself with achy cheeks because I am smiling so much. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to have this surgery. I am thankful for all the support I have at home but from this forum as well. I can't wait to be able to post my W-ONDERLAND picture of my scale in a couple of weeks!!!

Balance? I haven't found it either. Yes my pendulum swung a long way from center after being sleeved. And if I let down my guard it swings back the other way....the way I no longer wish it would go. But a familiar way that I can easily slip into and stay there. But I don't like it there. And now that I'm out I don't wanna go back. So instead of finding balance I have kept pushing hard as I can to swing the other way.
I have wondered if that is sustainable. Or natural. As to sustainable...it may be. After all I maintained my pre-sleeved life for decades. But I wasn't happy. That should be my indicator. I guess I'd like to have balance as well but haven't sought it out do to fear of swinging back to that old life.
Maybe this next year will bring some balance without swinging back to those unhappy times.

I think a lot of our lives were put of balance so to speak, before the sleeve.. The years leading up to my highest weight, then the sleeve, I became a non person.. I was just a mother and a wife,
my family mattered more to me than me.. Not only did I get rotund, but I think some respect was lost for me. From my daughter in particular...
It's funny, for every step I take in life there are multiple ripples in so many different directions. I take care of others, I forget myself. I forget myself and others forget me too.. I take care of myself and others think I've forgotten them.. Maybe I have to some extent. Thats the balance I need to find. I need to take care of my family but I need to not forget myself which is so easy to do.. I did not binge this weekend.. But I did not take care of myself either..

I have to have easy options for complicated days. I don't normally drink bottled Water, but I do when traveling or my schedule is crazy. I take the bottle in my purse so I can work on getting fluids in. And I know opinions vary, but I do count all drinks as fluids, including milk, coffee, tea. I also have a few grab and go foods for busy days. I often shove a Baggie with a piece of bread folded around two slices of lunch meat in my purse so I have something healthy to eat while out and about.
You've done great this year LV and it's good to have a goal for the second year out. I'm almost three years out, and I'm still working on stuff.
Lynda

Makes me smile, too. Merry Christmas!

Awwww....congrats to you!! Isn't it a wonderful feeling?