This is such a personal journey for each and every person who choses weight loss surgery. I find that like everyone else this is not my first time at the rodeo, so to speak, when it comes to losing weight and trying to be healthy. We all have our demons and those who say they support us and want the best for us. But when the sun sets and it comes down to it the only person who can do this is looking right back at me in the mirror. Since I know this is such a personal journey, I have decided that the best way for me to deal with this is to reach out to those people like me, on this website (as my dog is getting tired of me talking to him and the cat just ignores me!). Let me explain who I am and why I am here....
I am the youngest of three children, the baby and the only girl. Now most people would say wow you are the spoiled one, that I got away with everything and that I could do no wrong. This is the furthest from the truth in my case. I came from a loving family, and a mother who was home and when it comes down to it I had a great childhood. I never wanted for anything, I never knew what it was like to go without, and this included food. In defense of my mother, she never had to worry about her weight as she was blessed with that metabolism that allowed her to eat anything. Until I came along, she was cooking and feeding a family of all men, which meant the more food the better. We were all active and played sports and I was no exception. I played softball, soccer, volleyball and spent the summers swimming and even swam on the country clubs swim team. But to this day I hear that I don't eat enough. Really!! Let's see I got to this size by eating broccoli, uh I think not. There was an endless supply of twinkies (and yes I will miss them) pepsi by the case (and in bottles my weakness), chips and candy and we were never denied. Now, I am not blaming my mother, she just didn't realize nor did I. She sent me off to fat camp when I was 9 because I was in "husky" clothes (and the person who classified clothes as husky should be shot!), she had me checked out by physicians for "gland problems", who told her I was very healthy and if i lived in the islands I would be considered gorgeous and sought after by men (well we weren't moving and this devestated my mother I think more than me). From that point forward it was a tsunami of weight watchers, nutri systems and fad diets. I never had a problem with boys or men, I am everyone's friend and love to make people smile (the curse of a fat person to be accepted), in fact I was part of the in crowd in high school and college. I married had a child and the divorced and none of this was because of or in spite of my weight. So this only fueled my RA (I will explain later), I kinda wish I had I think I would have woke up long ago.
I look back and say, ok I have a great sense of who I am (I work in a level 1 trauma hospital's ER and love my job) and what is right and what needs to be corrected, I just haven't been able to correct it, until now. I never knew the why, I never really knew what got me to the massive weight of 352, and yes for me that is massive. Well the why is rather complicated, yet simple, and took me a bit to figure out. It is simple the why is because, simply because. Ok, stop laughing but that because has a very strong foundation. I am this size because I never stop eating the wrong things, because I wanted everyone else to correct my problem, because I would never get on a scale or acknowledge my weight, because I wouldn't admit nor did I see that I was overweight, this is my RA. Now let me explain that one. I used to look in the mirror and I never saw an overweight person. I know that sounds strange but I think I have a disease that has yet to be identified, a type of reverse anorexia (aka RA). You know it's an eating disorder of an obese person, just as devestating and it was fueled by not just my friends family and physicians (yes I had numerous physicians tell me I didn't need to lose weight, that I am healthy!) when deep down I knew better. I could keep going and going but I think you get the idea by now, so I am obese because, simply because.
Well, I snapped out of it, what caused me to snap out of it I don't know but I did. I have no co-morbidities I am healthy and if you looked at my medical records (with the exception of my weight) you would see an above average healthy female, so it wasnt my health. I am going to have this sleeve as I know that I cannot stay this heavy and this is my only way. If I don't my health will decline and I will become ill if not die, and I don't no I won't let that happen before I have lived a long long long life. I now have no problem saying my weight to those I trust, I see a fat person in the mirror when I look now (oh and I don't like what I see!). I have researched this surgery until I feel like there is no way I can fail. I have researched my physician and hospital and have confidence in his abilities and the capabilities of the hospital. I just now have to get my insurance and my life in place to succeed. First, I have to finish a year (only 6 mos more to go) of nutritional visits with my primary physician before my insurance will approve my surgery. I will finish this 12 mos requirement in July. I thought that this process would take forever, but I do not see that being the case, the first half has flown and now I am on the downhill slide.
I will use this blog to express my feelings and just get it off my chest, I am not sure if anyone will read it, or if you are reading this then I hope if nothing else it lets you know you are not alone in this battle. Until next time
These is basically just for me to vent over my private thoughts about something that went down recently. I still have some leftover frustration despite maybe personal messages cheering me on and supporting me in my line of thought so rather than make a forum thread for all to see begging for reassurance I just thought I would make a personal blog entry for me to come back on should I ever find myself in this situation again, because I think that spending most of the day in self reflection I have more or less worked out my real feelings about all this.
I've been known as the mean girl at many points in my life because I have always been active in organizations, clubs, and jobs in positions of power. I have always sought excellence, I was never happy to just be a member of a club, I jumped in head first and ran for president, you know? It's just my personality. I don't do a lot, but what I do decide to do, I do it to the absolute best that I possibly can. Now, this certainly is not to say that I do not have my days, and my screwups but I am not the type of person to screw up and then go post about it online looking for people to tell me it's OK. I track like I eat like all of us know we should, so there is never any question about whether or not something was alright or not. I'm in the green or I'm in the red, and when everything is black and white like that it's pretty obvious what to do about it.
This brings me to the heart of the matter, and what I seem to be continually butting heads with people over - I do not understand what people are looking for when they make posts about massively veering off course for a diet, let alone how we should be eating postoperative. I can understand it when people want to know if this or that is acceptable, but when people have gone and had 150 grams of carbs, 80 grams of sugar, and probably blown their fat and calories out of the water for the day too, I just don't understand. I know its not easy to stop, and I would never ever sit here and claim to never mess up. Hell, at two weeks post op I had frozen yogurt with my husband, and at three weeks post op I had a smallish serving of Outback Steakhouse's blooming onion, arguably one of the worse appetizers in the country. I make mistakes too, but what I do not understand is posting about it looking for nothing but hand-holding and reassuring comments.
I don't know what to say to someone who does that, especially when its over and over again, not just in posts but in comments to over people as well. And let me be clear - while this last episode that prompted me to really examine myself was obviously in response to a particular person, this is extremely common, which is why I felt the need to check myself.
I want to say something that I never said in all the back and forth, because it had not really occurred to me, and towards the end of all that, I was genuinely hurt by some of things people said and wasn't thinking clearly about the topic at hand. Enablers will not ever help you. Telling someone who has issues with food that their bad behavoir is fine and that tomorrow is a new day is not only a load of BS, its destructive in the worse sort of insidious way.
You will NEVER change if you don't wrap your head around the abuse that you inflict on yourself. Never, it doesn't matter how much of your stomach they take away, it doesn't matter how many ounces of food you can eat in a setting, you will find a way to ruin this gift to yourself.
I know this. I already HAD surgery once, and like so many of you out there, when I messed it up for myself day after day, week after week I came onto YouTube and forums like this looking for "support" when I really needed someone to tell me to stop what I was doing to myself. Some people act like they don't really have a problem with food and they might be true for a small minority of people on this site but the harsh reality is that no one makes it to 250 pounds, 300 pounds, and BMIs through the roof that merit weight loss surgery without unhealthy ideas about what is OK to eat, what isn't OK, and little ways we kid ourselves into thinking it's fine, it'll be better next time, I'll jump back on the horse tomorrow...... It's all a crock, and we kidded ourselves up to shameful sizes with that mentality.
I'm not saying that we should suddenly go at things with a level of intensity that we cannot maintain, and through empathy out the window but what I am saying is that when a simple suggestion that doing the hard mental work that needs to be done might require therapy or counseling of some sort, and that sparks a rage in people burning so hot that they threaten to leave the site and throw all class and dignity out the window, that does not bode well for the state of this community.
It would serve people well to sit up and take note of the state of things around here. When all that is offered is platitudes and hand holding, nothing good will come of that. We have to change our minds to change our bodies and sometimes that means growing a spine, and taking some honest criticism and self evaluation. No one is doing you any favors is everything they tell you is comfortable and unchallenged
If none of what I said applies to you, then you have to take some responsibility for what you post. If you make a semi-dramatic post every time you do something wrong but you have it under control, you have no right to get indignant when people notice. Some things are more appropriate in blog format not public forums.
