Writergirl

Thanks for the reassurance. I know I just have to give it time. I can’t even stand up straight yet because of the panniculectomy, so it’s hard to tell. I did a bra fitting, though, and came in at barely a C, while still swollen. My body shape has changed so drastically, from a lifelong hourglass shape to something that looks like R2D2. I feel like I want to hide when I go out. I imagine this is how women feel after mastectomies, and I’m ashamed to liken my experience to the terror they must go through. However, there are support groups for that! I chose this!! I’m trying to adjust to the new normal, but it’s going to take a long time. I said before surgery that it’s one thing to look bad, but it’s another to look weird. I wasintending to not tell people I had this done because I thought at a DD I’d just look like I lost weight. Every single person I have ever met is going to know instantly that I did this. I just want to crawl into a bag. BTW, I’m in my 60s, too! I should just let it go!

Last week I had breast reduction and panniculectomy surgery, which all seems to have gone well. However… I was a 42H and my surgeon promised me a DD cup. I know that I can’t really see where I’m going to end up because it’s so soon, but I look like a B or C cup, and I think it looks ridiculous on my still heavy figure. (My daughter took one look and joked that I’ll need implants!) I have hated my breasts since the day they grew in looking down at my feet, and I was SO excited to have breasts I would finally feel good about. I primarily did it because of neck and back pain, but I just can’t believe how bad I look. Added to that, now that the belly is gone my thighs look hideously misshapen. They’re floppy. I’m just so depressed. I’m trying hard to not complain to others and to also accept what can’t be changed. But I just had to share with someone. I’m never going to look “normal.”

Me, too!! But if insurance will pay and a plastic surgeon won’t tough me, I guess I have no choice if I want it done! Thanks!

Last week I had breast reduction and panniculectomy surgery, which all seems to have gone well. However… I was a 42H and my surgeon promised me a DD cup. I know that I can’t really see where I’m going to end up because it’s so soon, but I look like a B or C cup, and I think it looks ridiculous on my still heavy figure. (My daughter took one look and joked that I’ll need implants!) I have hated my breasts since the day they grew in looking down at my feet, and I was SO excited to have breasts I would finally feel good about. I primarily did it because of neck and back pain, but I just can’t believe how bad I look. Added to that, now that the belly is gone my thighs look hideously misshapen. They’re floppy. I’m just so depressed. I’m trying hard to not complain to others and to also accept what can’t be changed. But I just had to share with someone. I’m never going to look “normal.”

I’ll admit to being completely inexperienced when it comes to any kind of bra shopping that doesn’t involve searching for the largest size available! So now you have me kind of excited! Thank you!

I’ll admit to being completely inexperienced when it comes to any kind of bra shopping that doesn’t involve searching for the largest size available! So now you have me kind of excited! Thank you!

Last week I had breast reduction and panniculectomy surgery, which all seems to have gone well. However… I was a 42H and my surgeon promised me a DD cup. I know that I can’t really see where I’m going to end up because it’s so soon, but I look like a B or C cup, and I think it looks ridiculous on my still heavy figure. (My daughter took one look and joked that I’ll need implants!) I have hated my breasts since the day they grew in looking down at my feet, and I was SO excited to have breasts I would finally feel good about. I primarily did it because of neck and back pain, but I just can’t believe how bad I look. Added to that, now that the belly is gone my thighs look hideously misshapen. They’re floppy. I’m just so depressed. I’m trying hard to not complain to others and to also accept what can’t be changed. But I just had to share with someone. I’m never going to look “normal.”

You are so very right! That’s where my head needs to be right now! Thanks for the reminder!

Last week I had breast reduction and panniculectomy surgery, which all seems to have gone well. However… I was a 42H and my surgeon promised me a DD cup. I know that I can’t really see where I’m going to end up because it’s so soon, but I look like a B or C cup, and I think it looks ridiculous on my still heavy figure. (My daughter took one look and joked that I’ll need implants!) I have hated my breasts since the day they grew in looking down at my feet, and I was SO excited to have breasts I would finally feel good about. I primarily did it because of neck and back pain, but I just can’t believe how bad I look. Added to that, now that the belly is gone my thighs look hideously misshapen. They’re floppy. I’m just so depressed. I’m trying hard to not complain to others and to also accept what can’t be changed. But I just had to share with someone. I’m never going to look “normal.”

Thank you! I would love to have a plastic surgeon do it, but my BMI is still 42 and they won’t touch it. She said a panniculectomy is less risky with less risk of blood clots at this size. They all recommended I get the gastric bypass, but that means another two years of approval/weight loss/weight stabilization before I could have it done. I’m already 65. I just don’t want to wait that long, nor do I want the bypass. I have constant neck and back pain and know this would help, but I don’t want to look also don’t want to look odd. I’m so torn!

Five years ago I weighed 367.8 pounds at 5'3". I was terrified of surgery, terrified of life. If you want to know what the journey from terror to triumph is like, read my posts, starting from the bottom. A few are long, but there aren't a lot.
Five years out and I still fight to reach my weight goal, but my life... It's amazing.
You can do it.

The statistics were against me. I went to the hospital completely unsure if I would have the courage to go through with my surgery, and terrified I would die. No one... I promise you, NO ONE, ever wanted to have bariatric surgery less than I. I was an emotional food addict whose life had shrunk so much that food was my entire social life. I weighed 367.8 pounds, had out of control diabetes, and could no longer walk across my own kitchen on most days. I needed both knees replaced and my doctor refused to do it until I lost a lot of weight.
The night before my surgery I was alone in the house and I sobbed a funeral dirge for my best friend, food. I was certain I would lose my mind without it.
My friends, are you hesitating?? Struggling? Regretting?? If you can stay with me, read on.
I will tell you that after the first month there hasn't been one day in five years that I haven't thought, "I never could have done this before."
My journey has been difficult, and you will have your struggles, too. The first year, I cared for and buried my beloved sister--my "person" in this world--who died in my arms. The second year, I had my right knee replaced. The third year, my left knee. My weight loss stalled, but I never gave up. The fourth year, my father died and right afterwards, my husband almost died and needed months of nursing.
I didn't tell you all that to whine. I told you in order to try to put some context to my life, because in spite of all that sorrow and pain, I am filled with joy. I have taken back my life, and you can, too.
When I came out of my surgery, I vowed that having taken the drastic step of altering my body, I was going to be all in. I have honored that vow.
I had to learn to walk again. Now I am a landscape, wedding and portrait photographer.
I had to accept that I couldn't go on vacation and eat like the old me without gaining back weight it took me months to lose. Now I usually drop a couple of pounds on vacation, and I have one thing every day that I really want. To eat, that is!! I get to have experiences instead of food now!
I had to accept that carbs are not part of my daily eating. But I have learned to actually prefer zucchini spaghetti!!
Most importantly, I learned that no one will ever abuse me again. And that includes me.
I learned that emotional eating may feel like self care, but it is self destruction, and self destruction and self preservation can never exist side by side.
Last year, I photographed the cliffs of Maine, the mountains of West Virginia (going by rope down to the waterfalls), beaches in the Carolinas, and so many other things. (Check out my stuff at mlwolfephotos.com if you are inclined!).
I could babble on and on...
Today, I am at my lowest weight in 34 years. I have not met my weight loss goal. I'm still just over 200 pounds--a weight many people begin this journey at!! It may take me a year, but I'll get there.
On January 1st I turned 60, and I cried. A lot. I didn't cry because I was 60. I cried because I wasted so many years... My 30s... My 40s...half my 50s. I cannot get them back. But I have what's left, and I will cherish each breath.
So, I lost much of my stomach. I lost 153 pounds. I gained the world.
I wish that for each and every one of you! May you work to make all your dreams come true!
Attaching a few pics, not just of what I look(ed) like, but of who I am!!!

Five years ago I weighed 367.8 pounds at 5'3". I was terrified of surgery, terrified of life. If you want to know what the journey from terror to triumph is like, read my posts, starting from the bottom. A few are long, but there aren't a lot.
Five years out and I still fight to reach my weight goal, but my life... It's amazing.
You can do it.

I weighed 367.8. My post surgical journey included 2 knee replacements over 2 years, so for the first three years I could do very little, plus I'm older, which slowed my weight loss a lot. But I just went down to a waterfall via rope with a backpack and tripod to take pictures. So, I'm still just over 200 pounds, but I am OUT THERE!!!
My life then and now are like two different lives.

Five years ago I weighed 367.8 pounds at 5'3". I was terrified of surgery, terrified of life. If you want to know what the journey from terror to triumph is like, read my posts, starting from the bottom. A few are long, but there aren't a lot.
Five years out and I still fight to reach my weight goal, but my life... It's amazing.
You can do it.

Five years ago I weighed 367.8 pounds at 5'3". I was terrified of surgery, terrified of life. If you want to know what the journey from terror to triumph is like, read my posts, starting from the bottom. A few are long, but there aren't a lot.
Five years out and I still fight to reach my weight goal, but my life... It's amazing.
You can do it.

That is awesome @@Writergirl ! I was at almost the same SW and now 240. I too feel completely different and am looking for new ways to live and continue losing A waterfall via rope is inspiring. Thanks for sharing and congrats!

I weighed 367.8. My post surgical journey included 2 knee replacements over 2 years, so for the first three years I could do very little, plus I'm older, which slowed my weight loss a lot. But I just went down to a waterfall via rope with a backpack and tripod to take pictures. So, I'm still just over 200 pounds, but I am OUT THERE!!!
My life then and now are like two different lives.

I weighed 367.8. My post surgical journey included 2 knee replacements over 2 years, so for the first three years I could do very little, plus I'm older, which slowed my weight loss a lot. But I just went down to a waterfall via rope with a backpack and tripod to take pictures. So, I'm still just over 200 pounds, but I am OUT THERE!!!
My life then and now are like two different lives.

It’s been 18 months since my surgery, and I am a work in progress. I recently posted about the decision to have the sleeve. See, “Down Over 140…The Decision: Fears and Tears” Now I want to write a bit about the emotional changes that I personally had to go through. Maybe some of this will ring true for you, too.
As I contemplated this entry, I struggled with what to tell you, a complete stranger, about my process. Finally, I decided to be honest, so that you could know in your heart that if it’s possible for me to change, it is also possible for you.
I still think about food all day, every day. I so wish I didn’t, but I have come to know that I am a food addict, and I have to treat it like an addiction.
I grew up the oldest of 6 in a poor family. When I was 12, my dad left and my childhood instantly ended. Alcoholism, mental illness, chaos. That was to become my family life. At 18, my stepdad committed suicide. When I was 20 I was raped. When I was 21, I joined the Army. When I was 22, my brother committed suicide. When I was 28, my two-month old baby girl died. I struggled with anxiety attacks. I developed a life-altering auto-immune disease.
There were good things, too. Love. My other beautiful daughter. My sister—who was my best friend, my soul mate, my rock--we went through everything together. Getting my college degree over a period of 20 years! Getting promoted. Writing. Photography. My home. Friends.
But always, there was food…my constant companion. It never failed to nicely anesthetize me.
One night, just before my surgery, I was watching a weight loss show where they were talking about how you MUST deal with the issues from your past if you are going to succeed. I don’t know why this struck such a chord this time, but I really began to think about the girl I used to be and all the fear I still carried inside me.
It hit me like a tidal wave! I cried for the girl whose childhood abruptly ended at the age of 12. I cried for all that had been done to me. I cried because I had been so powerless. But then I realized with real clarity that I am no longer that powerless child! I had succeeded at everything I had truly worked for! I had a great job, and would never be dependent on anyone financially again! I had even learned to be assertive.
That night, I spoke to that little girl inside me. I made a promise to her. I told her that she would never be a victim again. That she was no longer powerless. That I was going to take care of her forever.
But could I do it without food?

One of the best things I did for myself was to line up an appointment with a therapist for one month after my surgery. Although that person did not work out and I ultimately found a therapist who specializes in addiction, it was such a comfort to me to have a support system in place. I haven’t gone to her more than a few times, but she is an anchor for me, and I know she’s there.
As I said in my previous post, my beloved sister died in my arms on December 28th. I had postponed having my knee replaced to take care of her, and I foolishly thought I’d be doing well enough by the end of February to get through it ok. Well, I wasn’t. March was one of the bleakest months of my entire life between the physical pain, drugs, bad weather, isolation, and grief.
So how did I get through it? How else? I ate. Ice cream. candy. Cookies. Let me tell you right now, you can put down a lot of calories every day in 100-calorie increments. That is why you need to know beyond a doubt that what they say is true: They operate on your stomach, not your brain.
So I spent March crying and eating. And then one day, as I was sobbing to my husband about my out-of-control eating, I wailed, “The worst part is, I’m letting myself down!”
“I’m letting myself down.” I could not back away from this statement.
I called my therapist to discuss the grief/eating cycle. She let me off the hook, saying, “Sometimes you just have to be in survival mode.” I got off the phone and thought about that a lot and realized even though I had been given permission to eat badly, eating badly no longer felt like my authentic self. For the first time, I knew that I had truly changed.
The old me believed that self care meant whatever felt good. The new me knows that self care can never equate to self destruction. The next day, all the junk food left the house.
I’m still sad. But I am empowered. I am not a victim, even of myself.
If you've hung in there through this long post I hope you'll leave me feedback and share your own story. In posting this, I sort of feel like I'm running down the street naked!
Soon, I plan to post on some of the logistical things I've found to work for me since my surgery. More practical! Less emotional!!

The statistics were against me. I went to the hospital completely unsure if I would have the courage to go through with my surgery, and terrified I would die. No one... I promise you, NO ONE, ever wanted to have bariatric surgery less than I. I was an emotional food addict whose life had shrunk so much that food was my entire social life. I weighed 367.8 pounds, had out of control diabetes, and could no longer walk across my own kitchen on most days. I needed both knees replaced and my doctor refused to do it until I lost a lot of weight.
The night before my surgery I was alone in the house and I sobbed a funeral dirge for my best friend, food. I was certain I would lose my mind without it.
My friends, are you hesitating?? Struggling? Regretting?? If you can stay with me, read on.
I will tell you that after the first month there hasn't been one day in five years that I haven't thought, "I never could have done this before."
My journey has been difficult, and you will have your struggles, too. The first year, I cared for and buried my beloved sister--my "person" in this world--who died in my arms. The second year, I had my right knee replaced. The third year, my left knee. My weight loss stalled, but I never gave up. The fourth year, my father died and right afterwards, my husband almost died and needed months of nursing.
I didn't tell you all that to whine. I told you in order to try to put some context to my life, because in spite of all that sorrow and pain, I am filled with joy. I have taken back my life, and you can, too.
When I came out of my surgery, I vowed that having taken the drastic step of altering my body, I was going to be all in. I have honored that vow.
I had to learn to walk again. Now I am a landscape, wedding and portrait photographer.
I had to accept that I couldn't go on vacation and eat like the old me without gaining back weight it took me months to lose. Now I usually drop a couple of pounds on vacation, and I have one thing every day that I really want. To eat, that is!! I get to have experiences instead of food now!
I had to accept that carbs are not part of my daily eating. But I have learned to actually prefer zucchini spaghetti!!
Most importantly, I learned that no one will ever abuse me again. And that includes me.
I learned that emotional eating may feel like self care, but it is self destruction, and self destruction and self preservation can never exist side by side.
Last year, I photographed the cliffs of Maine, the mountains of West Virginia (going by rope down to the waterfalls), beaches in the Carolinas, and so many other things. (Check out my stuff at mlwolfephotos.com if you are inclined!).
I could babble on and on...
Today, I am at my lowest weight in 34 years. I have not met my weight loss goal. I'm still just over 200 pounds--a weight many people begin this journey at!! It may take me a year, but I'll get there.
On January 1st I turned 60, and I cried. A lot. I didn't cry because I was 60. I cried because I wasted so many years... My 30s... My 40s...half my 50s. I cannot get them back. But I have what's left, and I will cherish each breath.
So, I lost much of my stomach. I lost 153 pounds. I gained the world.
I wish that for each and every one of you! May you work to make all your dreams come true!
Attaching a few pics, not just of what I look(ed) like, but of who I am!!!

The statistics were against me. I went to the hospital completely unsure if I would have the courage to go through with my surgery, and terrified I would die. No one... I promise you, NO ONE, ever wanted to have bariatric surgery less than I. I was an emotional food addict whose life had shrunk so much that food was my entire social life. I weighed 367.8 pounds, had out of control diabetes, and could no longer walk across my own kitchen on most days. I needed both knees replaced and my doctor refused to do it until I lost a lot of weight.
The night before my surgery I was alone in the house and I sobbed a funeral dirge for my best friend, food. I was certain I would lose my mind without it.
My friends, are you hesitating?? Struggling? Regretting?? If you can stay with me, read on.
I will tell you that after the first month there hasn't been one day in five years that I haven't thought, "I never could have done this before."
My journey has been difficult, and you will have your struggles, too. The first year, I cared for and buried my beloved sister--my "person" in this world--who died in my arms. The second year, I had my right knee replaced. The third year, my left knee. My weight loss stalled, but I never gave up. The fourth year, my father died and right afterwards, my husband almost died and needed months of nursing.
I didn't tell you all that to whine. I told you in order to try to put some context to my life, because in spite of all that sorrow and pain, I am filled with joy. I have taken back my life, and you can, too.
When I came out of my surgery, I vowed that having taken the drastic step of altering my body, I was going to be all in. I have honored that vow.
I had to learn to walk again. Now I am a landscape, wedding and portrait photographer.
I had to accept that I couldn't go on vacation and eat like the old me without gaining back weight it took me months to lose. Now I usually drop a couple of pounds on vacation, and I have one thing every day that I really want. To eat, that is!! I get to have experiences instead of food now!
I had to accept that carbs are not part of my daily eating. But I have learned to actually prefer zucchini spaghetti!!
Most importantly, I learned that no one will ever abuse me again. And that includes me.
I learned that emotional eating may feel like self care, but it is self destruction, and self destruction and self preservation can never exist side by side.
Last year, I photographed the cliffs of Maine, the mountains of West Virginia (going by rope down to the waterfalls), beaches in the Carolinas, and so many other things. (Check out my stuff at mlwolfephotos.com if you are inclined!).
I could babble on and on...
Today, I am at my lowest weight in 34 years. I have not met my weight loss goal. I'm still just over 200 pounds--a weight many people begin this journey at!! It may take me a year, but I'll get there.
On January 1st I turned 60, and I cried. A lot. I didn't cry because I was 60. I cried because I wasted so many years... My 30s... My 40s...half my 50s. I cannot get them back. But I have what's left, and I will cherish each breath.
So, I lost much of my stomach. I lost 153 pounds. I gained the world.
I wish that for each and every one of you! May you work to make all your dreams come true!
Attaching a few pics, not just of what I look(ed) like, but of who I am!!!

I weighed 367.8. My post surgical journey included 2 knee replacements over 2 years, so for the first three years I could do very little, plus I'm older, which slowed my weight loss a lot. But I just went down to a waterfall via rope with a backpack and tripod to take pictures. So, I'm still just over 200 pounds, but I am OUT THERE!!!
My life then and now are like two different lives.

The statistics were against me. I went to the hospital completely unsure if I would have the courage to go through with my surgery, and terrified I would die. No one... I promise you, NO ONE, ever wanted to have bariatric surgery less than I. I was an emotional food addict whose life had shrunk so much that food was my entire social life. I weighed 367.8 pounds, had out of control diabetes, and could no longer walk across my own kitchen on most days. I needed both knees replaced and my doctor refused to do it until I lost a lot of weight.
The night before my surgery I was alone in the house and I sobbed a funeral dirge for my best friend, food. I was certain I would lose my mind without it.
My friends, are you hesitating?? Struggling? Regretting?? If you can stay with me, read on.
I will tell you that after the first month there hasn't been one day in five years that I haven't thought, "I never could have done this before."
My journey has been difficult, and you will have your struggles, too. The first year, I cared for and buried my beloved sister--my "person" in this world--who died in my arms. The second year, I had my right knee replaced. The third year, my left knee. My weight loss stalled, but I never gave up. The fourth year, my father died and right afterwards, my husband almost died and needed months of nursing.
I didn't tell you all that to whine. I told you in order to try to put some context to my life, because in spite of all that sorrow and pain, I am filled with joy. I have taken back my life, and you can, too.
When I came out of my surgery, I vowed that having taken the drastic step of altering my body, I was going to be all in. I have honored that vow.
I had to learn to walk again. Now I am a landscape, wedding and portrait photographer.
I had to accept that I couldn't go on vacation and eat like the old me without gaining back weight it took me months to lose. Now I usually drop a couple of pounds on vacation, and I have one thing every day that I really want. To eat, that is!! I get to have experiences instead of food now!
I had to accept that carbs are not part of my daily eating. But I have learned to actually prefer zucchini spaghetti!!
Most importantly, I learned that no one will ever abuse me again. And that includes me.
I learned that emotional eating may feel like self care, but it is self destruction, and self destruction and self preservation can never exist side by side.
Last year, I photographed the cliffs of Maine, the mountains of West Virginia (going by rope down to the waterfalls), beaches in the Carolinas, and so many other things. (Check out my stuff at mlwolfephotos.com if you are inclined!).
I could babble on and on...
Today, I am at my lowest weight in 34 years. I have not met my weight loss goal. I'm still just over 200 pounds--a weight many people begin this journey at!! It may take me a year, but I'll get there.
On January 1st I turned 60, and I cried. A lot. I didn't cry because I was 60. I cried because I wasted so many years... My 30s... My 40s...half my 50s. I cannot get them back. But I have what's left, and I will cherish each breath.
So, I lost much of my stomach. I lost 153 pounds. I gained the world.
I wish that for each and every one of you! May you work to make all your dreams come true!
Attaching a few pics, not just of what I look(ed) like, but of who I am!!!

The statistics were against me. I went to the hospital completely unsure if I would have the courage to go through with my surgery, and terrified I would die. No one... I promise you, NO ONE, ever wanted to have bariatric surgery less than I. I was an emotional food addict whose life had shrunk so much that food was my entire social life. I weighed 367.8 pounds, had out of control diabetes, and could no longer walk across my own kitchen on most days. I needed both knees replaced and my doctor refused to do it until I lost a lot of weight.
The night before my surgery I was alone in the house and I sobbed a funeral dirge for my best friend, food. I was certain I would lose my mind without it.
My friends, are you hesitating?? Struggling? Regretting?? If you can stay with me, read on.
I will tell you that after the first month there hasn't been one day in five years that I haven't thought, "I never could have done this before."
My journey has been difficult, and you will have your struggles, too. The first year, I cared for and buried my beloved sister--my "person" in this world--who died in my arms. The second year, I had my right knee replaced. The third year, my left knee. My weight loss stalled, but I never gave up. The fourth year, my father died and right afterwards, my husband almost died and needed months of nursing.
I didn't tell you all that to whine. I told you in order to try to put some context to my life, because in spite of all that sorrow and pain, I am filled with joy. I have taken back my life, and you can, too.
When I came out of my surgery, I vowed that having taken the drastic step of altering my body, I was going to be all in. I have honored that vow.
I had to learn to walk again. Now I am a landscape, wedding and portrait photographer.
I had to accept that I couldn't go on vacation and eat like the old me without gaining back weight it took me months to lose. Now I usually drop a couple of pounds on vacation, and I have one thing every day that I really want. To eat, that is!! I get to have experiences instead of food now!
I had to accept that carbs are not part of my daily eating. But I have learned to actually prefer zucchini spaghetti!!
Most importantly, I learned that no one will ever abuse me again. And that includes me.
I learned that emotional eating may feel like self care, but it is self destruction, and self destruction and self preservation can never exist side by side.
Last year, I photographed the cliffs of Maine, the mountains of West Virginia (going by rope down to the waterfalls), beaches in the Carolinas, and so many other things. (Check out my stuff at mlwolfephotos.com if you are inclined!).
I could babble on and on...
Today, I am at my lowest weight in 34 years. I have not met my weight loss goal. I'm still just over 200 pounds--a weight many people begin this journey at!! It may take me a year, but I'll get there.
On January 1st I turned 60, and I cried. A lot. I didn't cry because I was 60. I cried because I wasted so many years... My 30s... My 40s...half my 50s. I cannot get them back. But I have what's left, and I will cherish each breath.
So, I lost much of my stomach. I lost 153 pounds. I gained the world.
I wish that for each and every one of you! May you work to make all your dreams come true!
Attaching a few pics, not just of what I look(ed) like, but of who I am!!!