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So I'm still in the supervised diet phase before surgery and I've been doing pretty good (insert back pat here). But MONDAY was a MONDAY all day. I went to work with a long list of things I need to get done before our big accreditation team visit next week. Of course, life had other plans and by 1130 I had done exactly NOTHING on my list. I was stressed to the maximum.... And then it was lunch time. And the 3oz can of tuna, lettuce and low fat dressing just didn't appeal to my emotional side. Now I've eaten this lunch quite happily many many days...but emotional Beth said nope not going to work. Six weeks ago I would have walked across the parking lot...OK, who am I kidding, I would have driven across the parking lot and gone through the drive through of the fast food chain that is there. So I start looking around the office and I found a can of Progresso Light cream of potato soup....so I had it, both servings...200 calories and way more sodium than I consume now but two amazing things happened: 1. The emotional side of me was soothed in a less destructive way 2. I didn't snack on anything rest of the day (except my veggies that I brought from home). Hence the title...Progresso Soup saved my butt. I have now replaced that can and consider it my failsafe for the next MONDAY whenever it comes!

I have been really open to everyone about my upcoming VSG. I have been considering surgery for about 3 years, and at first I didn't even want to tell my parents..only my husband. As time has passed, and I am actually going to do it, I have changed my mind. I don't want to live a secret. It is just a personal prefrence. I knew/know that people will be judgemental for whatever reason, and I was expecting negative vibs from some. I have mentally prepared myself, and it helps to have thick skin. So, yesterday I took my 6 year old to a small pool party. Many of my friends were there, some I am close to, some--not so much. Ironically, one of the people I am closer too threw some negative vibs. She isn't small but is currently trying to loose weight. In a general conversation between us and one other friend, I told her I was having VSG. One friend was excited for me, and I appreciated her kind words. The other said that she had asked her husband about it, and he said that he supported her if that was the choice she made.. She went on to tell me that it was cheating and that she hadn't cheated on anything in her life, and she wasn't going to start with weight loss. I simply told her, "To each their own". She further told me that it was the easy way out and that she liked working for her's. After telling her it was still WORK, she laughed. I left shortly thereafter, but continued other convos with a smile on my face. I felt like, in the long run, I had the upper hand, strangely. I was able to face the first negative vibs with a smile on my face, without feeling defeated, and without having any second thoughts. That, my friends, let me know that I am absolutely comfortable with my choices, and I won't let anyone take it away from me. SELF-FREAKING-HIGH-FIVE!!

I am not sure exactly when it started. Some time into my re-ascent into morbid obesity, after the Lap-Band surgery failed, I stopped being a girl. First I grew out of all my jeans. Even my fat jeans, the one pair I had saved "just in case." I started wearing sweats all the time; at home, to the store, to the movies... Then it was my hair. I cut it short because I just couldn't be bothered to fix it. Why? I was always in jeans and tee shirts anyway, so what was the point? Then I stopped wearing makeup. I guess I just figured it didn't matter anyway, no one is looking at my face. I suppose it made me feel a little more invisible. I really wanted to be anonymous, nondescript. If I don't call attention to myself, maybe no one will notice how much weight I have gained... So here I am, refusing to buy clothing, even bras and undies, in "this" size. I need to punish myself for doing this to myself. Again. Or do I? Maybe I really don't want to be invisible. Maybe I do want to feel pretty again. Maybe I don't want to be uncomfortable all the time, everywhere I am. I want to cross my legs again. I want to be able to walk through the mall and not get winded while I am shopping for jeans. I want to walk up to the makeup counter at Macy's and say, "Make me pretty" because I want to FEEL pretty. I don't want to get rashes in my skin folds. I want to grow my hair. First thing I am going to buy when I am able to shop at a normal store is a pink Seahawks jersey. I tried to buy one last year, but I can only shop for shirts in mens' big and tall. They don't make pink Seahawks jerseys in mens' big and tall. Next football season I am going to dress like a girl.

To be fair, I really hate being hot too. But my office is a meat locker. Since my sleeve my perception of the office being at morgue like temperatures has only been exacerbated. As I lose my layer of protection, this bone chilling cold is only going to get worse. Right now I am wearing jeans, a tank top, a long sleeved shirt and two fairly thin cardigan sweaters. WHO WEARS TWO CARDIGANS?! This broad. I'm pretty sure under my manicure my nail beds are turning blue. I'm just shivering and miserable. Every day. The building controls the heat/cold. So there is nothing I can do about it other than complain in my blog and suffer in abject misery. The funny thing is that summer is my least favorite season due to the heat and the humidity. This summer has been really mild with temps barely topping 75 F all summer. In theory it's been my dream summer. But I'm so cold, that I want the heat. I just want to go outside and warm up, only I can't. It's barely going to be over 70F here today in Chicago. Are skinny people always cold? Do they sit around in freezing misery? Am I doomed to wear cardigans evey day for the rest of my life?! Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. This is a consequence I had not even thought of. There are worse problems to have. This blog post is brought to you by me being a whiner.

I can hardly believe that the surgery is 3 weeks from today. It will be about 3 months after I started this whole thing, and as long as I stay on track, I will have lost 25-30 lbs prior to surgery. That, in and of itself, is unheard of. Amazing. Last night was the worst night I've had so far. I couldn't do anything to curb my hunger, and I had a whole bunch of stuff come at me at once. I was ready to punch someone. I decided to remove myself from that situation before I exploded. I grabbed a bottle of water, my dog, and we went for a walk, despite my house being full of guests. I couldn't take it anymore and just needed to leave. As soon as we were out walking, I burst into tears. I was so hungry, so frustrated, so upset. I was thankful that the darkness outside could mask my tears a bit. We kept walking until I had calmed down. Everyone who was at the house had left or was in bed by the time I returned. I love my family, but I can't stand them at times. I haven't been entirely open with them about everything that is going on, but it would be nice if they could try to understand the boundaries I've given them. I wish they wouldn't look to me whenever they needed something fixed in their own lives. As one of my friend's said this morning, They always seem to look at things from their point of view, but never can look from your point if view and be understanding. Wouldn't it be nice if people could be understanding? Wouldn't it be nice if kids would understand better that their actions/words really can hurt others? Wouldn't it be nice if people didn't tease or pick on others because of what they look like or what a person can/cannot eat? I have to remind myself that there are things I can't change, I can only control/change how I respond to those things. And by going through this process, I'm making a big change in my life about how I handle things.