I feel selfish being fat. Let me explain. This consumes me. It has consumed my life for a long time. I think about it all the time. Maybe even more so now because I am on this incredible journey with finally an awesome opportunity to lose weight. And that is something I have obsessed for .....for a very long time. Now, I feel like I have to focus even more to ensure I don't fail. I feel so self-consumed. So selfish.

I am a stress eater. Well, I used to be. I would eat, no binge like crazy when stressed. I was stressed often. Unfortunately, weight loss surgery did not cut out 85% of my stress.

I am watching my mother in law die from stomach and colon cancer. She was forced to be readmitted to the hospital tonight because she refuses to eat. Here I am with an eating issue, and here she is on the opposite end of it, but needing food if she wants to survive.

So, first I feel selfish to go through this, while she and my husband and his family are dealing with something so much harder. So it stresses me out. And I want to eat.

Tonight I did what any weight loss person could do. I binged....on some chocolate milk. In reality, I only had about 7 or 8 oz, but it was 2% and was, like I said, chocolate. Luckily I did good all day with my carb and calorie intake so I did not go over 800 calories for the day, but the point was I did not have the control over it in this time of intense stress.

I feel so sad to see my family go through this, and so selfish to still be focusing on something so...I don't want to say not serious, but in comparison...it seems like it.

I feel selfish that I needed this surgery. That I needed the help. That I needed this me time. Right in the middle of all this. I just don't want to put my kids through anything that I can help later in life. It just hurts too bad too see the family like this....I guess I am just justifying my feelings of selfishness by thinking it will prevent any pain in the future. Who knows....