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About this blog

The things I learned pre and post surgery

Entries in this blog

 

Shrinkage! - How Big's Your Meat?

I was truly surprised to see the calorie difference between 4oz. of 93% hamburger and 85% hamburger. Almost 110 calories per 4oz.!   Even though the 93% costs about $1 per lb more, I've noticed that, after cooking, the amount of cooked hamburger is almost the same between the two. There's so much shrinkage, that they are pretty much the same in cost in the end. So I think I'll spend the extra dollar per pound and save 110 calories.       I thought it might be enlightening to grab some common calorie counts for ground beef, chicken and turkey and compare them side-by-side.   Click on the pics to enlarge them.       Standard Disclaimer: This is by no means the definitive numbers for these products. The numbers vary depending on the manufacturer. These numbers are presented to make you aware of the differences in calorie counts and fat content.   You can find much more specific details by manufacturer or by food group by searching this database: http://caloriecount....oods&searchpro=   George Carlin's Advertising Disclaimer:   No cash? No problem! No kidding! No fuss, no muss, No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.   Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money, Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available, Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.   So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.   And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.   And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.
joatsaint

joatsaint

3
 

Sh*t's Gettin Real Up In Here - Knocking On Twoderland's Door

Let the countdown begin. Weighed in at 305 or less 2 days in a row - so it's official, 305 lbs. (I don't officially call it until I've been at a weight for at least 2 days!). Weighed in at 304.8 this morning, 305.8 at 5pm., let's see if it happens two days in a row again!   Just a matter of days until I'm below 300 lbs - 1st time I'll be that low in almost 4 years. Hard to believe I'm losing weight. Been too many years hoping the dream would come true, and this actually happening to me are too difficult to accept as real. I keep thinking I might be in a dream or I'm being punked. I'll wake up and POOF, I'm still in my old body.   The thoughts of it not being real and being disappointed again keep crowding in. Don't know when I'll let myself accept the reality of being at a lower weight. Oh well, I'll just keep drifting down the river Denial. Maybe I can deny myself right into 190 lbs. :-P
joatsaint

joatsaint

8
 

Bad Scale! Bad Bad Scale!

Dealing With Stalls   Just be patient. I know it's frustrating when the scale doesn't move. I'm on week 11 and I've had at least 3 different weeks where the scale doesn't move for 7 days, then I'll mysteriously be down 2 - 3 pounds overnight. Your body is just acclimating to the lower calorie intake and sometimes it is holding onto every calorie, trying to replace the glycogen stores in the muscles.   I don't have a formula for getting the scale moving again, but I do try to mix things up to keep my body from getting used to a set pattern. I walk a little extra, up my vegetable intake, or eat low carb for a day or two to see how my body will react.   I was eating pistachio nuts and sunflower seeds last week and EEEEEKKKKKK! I gained 2 lbs that week. Monday I went back to basics of eating my refried beans and chicken (eating 4oz every 2 hours), this morning I've lost the extra 2 lbs plus another 1lb.   For the 1st time in 4 years I'm under 310lbs.
joatsaint

joatsaint

4
 

Post-Op 14 Days - Puree Diet

Just got back from my 2 week checkup. Down 21 lbs from my pre-surgery start weight. Doc put me on the puree diet and told me to walk at least 1 hr a day 4 - 5 times a week. That's going to be difficult because of all the rain coming up for the next week.   I'm doing pretty well with cream of chicken and cream of mushroom soup and peanut butter. But I've tested a tiny bite of chicken, hamburger and Vienna sausages, seems like anything along those lines is still too tough for my stomach. Almost immediately I can feel rolling gas bubbles in my stomach and I have to burp.   Found some great food storage containers at Wal-Mart. They seem to be the perfect size for how much I can eat at one sitting.
joatsaint

joatsaint

5
 

Post-Op 21 Days - Sick and Tired

Well, it's been 21 days since my surgery. I'm having trouble getting in enough walking. My feet and hips get seriously sore after 20 minutes of walking. I'm not sure that I've fully gotten over my cold because I feel very weak and tired every day. I've noticed that I don't sleep as much anymore. Previously, I'd sleep between 8 and 10 hours but now I sleep about 7 and wake up and can't get back to sleep.   I've been stuck at the same weight for the past 5 days. I've been watching my calorie intake pretty closely and know that I'm taking in between 700 - 1000 calories a day. I figure that plus the walking should be making an impact. It could just be a plateau, so I'll just keep on keeping on.   One bit of good news, I had to punch a new hole in my belt. So now I'm one notch smaller.   The 2nd bit of good news is that I haven't felt hungry since the surgery. Hunger has always plagued me - as far back as I can remember. It was like a little nagging kid pulling at my sleeve. And I couldn't get rid of him. I knew that 2 hours after eating a meal of almost any size, that I'd be digging in the fridge for the next thing to eat. I knew that I was not physically hungry, but the constant need to eat drove me to put something in my stomach as soon as there was room. I believe it was the over production of ghrelin (wiki link) in my stomach that caused me to be hungry all the time. I am sure that I was a food addict.   I've been testing different foods. So far I've found that my stomach can handle fat free re-fried beans with salsa and a little hamburger, peanut butter, fat free yogurt, cream of mushroom and cream of chicken soup and hard boiled eggs.   I still can't handle chicken, sugar free popsicles or sugar free jell-o. One tsp and I almost immediately feel gas bubbles rolling through my stomach.   In case you're interested in how I test new foods, I normally eat 1/2 tsp of the new food. Wait 5 minutes. If everything feels okay, I eat a full tsp. My stomach will usually let me know how it feels about a food after the 1st or 2nd bite.   I haven't tried any other drinks besides Crystal Light lemonade and water. I've been drinking Crystal Light for over 10 years and never gotten tired of it. I wish it was out there back when I was a kid. But the only diet drinks back then were horrible! Tab and Fresca - MAN, those were some awful flavors.   Anyone else remember Tab and Fresca? Anyone drink more than 1 can before throwing it away?
joatsaint

joatsaint

14
 

Post-Op 28 Days - Passin Gas or Can You Smell What the Rock is Cookin?

Gastronomically, things are crazy. I've been passing gas (and I don't mean gas as in gas station!) every night. I wake up at 1:30am or 4:30am belching and farting like crazy. I've passed so much gas I'm afraid to turn on the lights - I might set off a spark and cause an explosion.   I can lay on my left side and feel okay. If I switch to my right, I can feel and hear gurgling in my stomach. Don't understand that. But it all stops right after I wake up for work, I guess that's a small blessing for my co-workers. :-)   I'm thinking that since my bowel movements have slowed to every other day, the food sitting in my intestines has more time to ferment.     Anyone else experience this?
joatsaint

joatsaint

7
 

5 Weeks Post-OP Still Teaching Myself to Eat Slowly

Even this far out from surgery, I still have problems eating slowly - especially if it is something that goes down easily like peanut butter. By accident I found a way to train myself to eat slower.   It's chicken! My stomach doesn't seem to like ground up chicken and I can feel the gurgles and gas building after a bite or two. So I figure, why not use that to my advantage? So I'll be eating more chicken. Knowing that I have to stop eating after a bite is going to force me to lay the spoon down between bites.   Anyone else have a food or foods that cause them to have stomach gurgles and gas?
joatsaint

joatsaint

16
 

My Favorite Mexican Food

One of my favorite Mexican foods. I've been eating this stuff for about 4 weeks straight.   I got all the ingredients at Walmart. It cost about $4 for 2 days worth of meals (4 - 6 meals in my case). It's very filling and sticks with me.   1 lb of chicken breast. 1 pkg of Taco Bell Taco seasoning. (I tried other name brand taco mixes and the store brands, Taco Bell tastes the best and is just as cheap. There is a Taco Bell chipolte version as well, but I liked the regular version the best. )   1 can of gebhardt refried beans w/fat. (I tried the non-fat version and I like the fat version better. It only has 2grams of fat per serving.)   Salsa or Picante or Taco sauce to taste 1 pkg of your favorite shredded cheese.     I grill the chicken breast and run it through my food processor. Mix the taco seasoning with about 1/2 cup of water and mix it thoroughly. I mix it in my protein shake shaker. Toss the chicken into a pot or pan and add the taco seasoning. Bring it up to a boil and then reduce the heat to a simmer. Let it simmer for about 20 minutes.   Mix the chicken and beans in a bowl. Add some salsa if it's too thick for your taste.     Spoon some of the mixture into a bowl and top with cheese and salsa.  
joatsaint

joatsaint

6
 

Confession Time: The Spaghetti Monster Almost Got ME!

I found one of my trigger foods. It's spaghetti or more specifically pasta. My mom made some homemade spaghetti on Sunday (homemade as in, homemade from a jar, you know, the same line of thought as Olive Garden treats you like family). Really, Olive Garden treats you like family, I don't recall my mom ever presenting a bill at the end of a meal. But I digress.   Any way, I took the leftovers home with me. For supper, I ate my normal portion, and a few minutes later wanted another portion - even though my stomach was telling me I was stuffed to the top. I wanted it so bad that I would have cage wrestled a bear for another bowl.   It wasn't easy, but I stopped myself. The hardest part - and I can't believe it was so difficult to do - was to throw out the spaghetti. I kept telling myself that I could space out the spaghetti into several meals during the week. But, I knew if I left it in the house, I'd find some way to convince myself to eat more that eventing. There is a dog that trots through my yard daily, so he may be going into insulin shock today!   Only 1 other time have I wanted to eat something so bad - it was a banana laying in the fruit bowl. So adios spaghetti noodles, I'll eat you at mom's house, but you won't be coming home with me anymore.
joatsaint

joatsaint

11
 

Messed Up Bad

At work on Wednesday they fed us lunch and I couldn't resist the free food. I had a single serving of pototo chips (160 calories) and 1/2 of a big cookie that came with the meal. If I hadn't already eaten earlier I wouldn't have felt so bad about it.   So I tried to make up for it by walking an extra mile the same day.   Sometimes the temptation is there, it's hard to make the best food choices, but I don't think I went too far overboard. I woke up 2 lbs lighter this morning.   You have any tips to avoid temptation?
joatsaint

joatsaint

7
 

NSV - Peeing Like A Man

Well, this is embarrassing to admit, but for the past 2 years I've had to sit down to pee. At some point my gut and the fat pooch above my junk got too big and it was a real hassle (and messy) to use the urinals. So it was just easier and cleaner to sit on the toilet.   So it was a happy surprise when I realized yesterday that I could use the urinals again. My job requires a dress shirt.   I hated having to drop trou, tuck my shirt tale back in, and fight with my belt every time I went to the bathroom.   Now I can go back to hosing down the back of the urinal and destroying the cigarette butts at the bottom. :-P   P.S. They must think guys are pretty dumb around here. I saw a sign above the urinal that read, "Please don't eat the big white mint!"  
joatsaint

joatsaint

6
 

I Got My Head Shrunk

Visiting the psychiatrist was on of my pre-requs for getting Sleeve surgery. I was pretty nervous about the interview. Who wouldn't be? Knowing that the whole approval process could come to a screeching halt based on the opinion of one guy who only spends 15 - 20 minutes with me.   From talking to a fellow sleever, I knew that there was going to be a 500 question multiple choice questionnaire. I could tell right off that it was a personality test. The questions covered the whole gambit - from how did you feel about childhood, how do you feel about being an adult, do you have depressed thoughts, have you ever stolen anything, how do you feel about being in crowded situations ... ect.   The kicker is that each type of question is repeated 4 or more times throughout the questionnaire - only it's asked in a different way each time. I can only assume the point is to see if you answer the same way each time - to get your true feelings.   It took over an hour to complete everything.   The most annoying part was - THERE WERE NO TABLES!   Maybe it is part of the test to see how you react, but have you ever tried to hold a clipboard and mark answers with one hand and hold a list of test questions in the other????????????   Now this wasn't their first rodeo. They do these tests for $400 a pop. You'd think they would be a little more considerate.   I felt like I was Will Smith in the 1st "Men in Black." The part where all the candidates were sitting in the egg chairs trying to take a test. And Will is the only one smart or brave enough to pull the table over to his chair.   So I pulled the same thing. I spun one of the other chairs sideways and used the arm to hold the clip board. The other 2 poor schmucks in the room doggedly mustered on, trying to finish their questions the hard way.
joatsaint

joatsaint

5
 

Night Man Coming

My 1st week post-op I was having a disturbing dream over and over. I was in a post-apocalyptic world, taking psych eval tests to determine if I would fit into a new group that was forming to rebuild society.   And I had a very frustrating recurring dream about uploading video files to a website, but it was taking forever for the files to convert and upload!   After thinking on it, I think it was my mind's way of dealing with the pain from surgery and the frustration of how long it was taking to recover.
joatsaint

joatsaint

0
 

How My Feelings About Food Have Changed

Just a few notes on some of the changes I've noticed in myself over the last 9 weeks post-op.   1. I eat when I'm hungry now, don't really look forward to the "full" feeling or have a "taste" for anything in particular anymore - lovin' it. I use to get these overwhelming cravings for a certain taste (especially Whataburgers), they're gone now.   2. I do enjoy what I eat and sometimes I still catch myself trying to eat just one more bite, but I know I'll be feeling sick if I do. It takes time to learn the new "full" signals.   3. I feel satisfied and I get a small thrill seeing how little I actually eat now. Although sometimes, I catch myself trying to finish that last bite - even though I'm full. I've learned to leave it on the plate.   4. Once my staple line swelling went down, I was able to increase my eating to about 4oz per meal, and did start feeling more "normal" after the 2nd week, but it wasn't until about week 6 that I was back at my old energy levels.   5. I can eat pretty much what I want and walk away without gorging myself. I have always been able to take or leave stuff like cakes and cookies. Rice, pasta and potatoes were (I almost wrote "are") my thing. But I can easily pass up most starches now. Although pasta triggers my hunger cravings and I have to stop myself from overeating and making myself sick.   6. My feelings or attitudes has changed incredibly about food. Don't really care about food anymore. I have no "flavors" I desire. So I eat my own concoction of shredded grilled chicken, re-fried beans, cheese and salsa almost every meal - for the past month.   7. There isn't anything that I "want" to eat anymore. I am so happy with my restriction and I don't miss anything, no food cravings, nothing I miss. And there is no food that I couldn't eat at the 3rd or 4th week. It may cause some stomach upset, but if I eat it slowly, I can eat it if I want. However, I do miss being able to chug 16oz of icy cold Crystal Light.   8. I can still eat spicy foods (curries, peppers, etc). I eat salsa almost daily and I found this sweet/spicy dip made with Greek yogurt that I like - very warm. I find it weird that the thing that bothers my stomach the most is healthy fibrous foods, like grape skins, bananas, apple peels, and pineapple.
joatsaint

joatsaint

4
 

Weighing After A Poop? You Are NOT Alone! :-)

Do You Weigh After a Poop?   Started by joatsaint     joatsaint   Posted Today, 4:31 PM Is anyone as crazy as me? I jump on the scale pre and post poop to see the difference. It doesn't count on my "official" weight loss chart or anything. Or am I just being too OCD?       johnlatte     Posted Today, 4:33 PM yes, that's a bit ocd     sarahr     Posted Today, 4:37 PM I did a few times when it was umm substantial LOL Gross   But no difference. DO you see a difference? And why not count it?     katikati     Posted Today, 4:41 PM Guilty. Did it today, lost two pounds. No joke. I consider it less OCD and more of just a marvel because I'm only pooping every three days, so it's quite the event.     laura-ven     Posted Today, 4:42 PM If I did I'm not telling! But OCD runs in my family...     Kristina J.     Posted Today, 4:45 PM My husband is as fit as can be, has never had weight loss surgery and considers weighing pre and post poop one of his favorite past times! This is my prize... This is what God gave me...     VSGKirk     Posted Today, 4:47 PM I only get on a scale once a week, but when I do - definitely after a nice BM, emptying my bladder twice, stripped nekkid including removing my genital piercing... quite the ritual, but it works for me!     joatsaint     Posted Today, 4:48 PM I can always rely on you guys to make me feel soooooooooooooo much better about myself. And I don't count it because it's only temporary. I'll have another torpedo in the tube by the next day.     laura-ven     Posted Today, 5:06 PM LOL.. I see a new thread. "I'm not fat! I'm full of ****"     bunnyg33     Posted Today, 5:09 PM     VSGKirk, on March 1, 2013 - 4:47 PM, said:   I only get on a scale once a week, but when I do - definitely after a nice BM, emptying my bladder twice, stripped nekkid including removing my genital piercing... quite the ritual, but it works for me!   Sounds like my routine but I do not remove my piercings, too much work. I do take my glasses off though lol.     bethxxx     Posted Today, 5:13 PM I always weigh after a poop, I never weigh before hand to see the difference though, I just poop then weigh. I also get naked, take off my jewelry and hop on and off like 3 times, just to be sure hahah     Kristina J.     Posted Today, 5:15 PM Let's not forget that this must ALWAYS be before our shower!! We all know that a shower can add, what? 10 pounds of water weight?!?     johnlatte     Posted Today, 5:34 PM I can't even believe that I came back and read the rest of this thread.     Workingonnewme     Posted Today, 5:39 PM Lol..I do it all the time!     joatsaint     Posted Today, 5:53 PM   bunnyg33, on March 1, 2013 - 5:09 PM, said:   Sounds like my routine but I do not remove my piercings, too much work. I do take my glasses off though lol. And as we all know, glasses add 10 lbs, unless you wear those new ones with the helium filled frames. When I go into the doctor for post op weigh-ins, they ask me if I want to take my shoes off. I say no, but I do leave my cell phone in the car. That thing is heavy! TD41   Posted 48 minutes ago rofl some of the responses are hilarious... I weigh myself after a bm as well... so i am happy to know im not alone
joatsaint

joatsaint

7
 

Junk Food Companies Are Engineering Foods That Create Cravings!

I thought this was another great article on how on one hand, we're being scolded and treated as outcasts for being fat, and at the same time, food companies are engineering foods that are designed to create cravings and make us fatter.

I am all for taking personal responsibility, but at some point you have to realize they are targeting us and creating products that overwhelm our natural eating stopping point and creating a craving for unhealthy foods. The only way to strike back at these companies is to quit buying their products!


According to Michael Moss, the Pulitzer prizing-winning reporter and author of the new book Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us, (Check out the video below) executives at the major food behemoths – Kraft, General Mills, and Nestle – have known for years that the sugar, salt and fat added to their cereals, soups, tomato sauces and hundreds of other food products have put millions of individuals’ health at risk. But the quest for bigger profits and a larger share of the consumer market has compelled the processed food industry to turn a blind eye to the dangers and consequences of eating those very products.

How do the food giants trick consumers? Moss gives several examples: “At Cargill, scientists are altering the physical shape of salt, pulverizing it into a fine powder to hit the taste buds faster and harder, improving what the company calls its ‘flavor burst.’”“Scientists at Nestle are currently fiddling with the distribution and shape of fat globules to affect their absorption rate and, as it’s known in the industry, ‘their mouthfeel.’” “To make a new soda guaranteed to create a craving requires the high math of regression analysis and intricate charts to plot what industry insiders call the “bliss point,” or the precise amount of sugar or fat that will send consumers over the moon.” http://finance.yahoo...-132949611.html
   
 
 
joatsaint

joatsaint

0
 

Are You a Half-Fast Loser?

Fast loser, slow loser, I am a half-fast loser! On average, I lose about 3 lbs each week. But on the other hand, I'm eating good and haven't really had to exercise hard. I walk 5 days a week and am working my way up to 5 miles per day. I've managed to get to 5 miles only 2 times since I've started. Knee and hip pain sometimes interfere with my walking.   How I wanted to be one of those posters who could say they lost 100 lbs in 6 months, but it doesn't look like it's in the cards for me. But I try to be satisfied with a steady down tick of the scale.   If I can maintain this downward pace, I'll be down 150 lbs in 10 months. That would be freakin awesome! That would put me at my lowest weight since high school - 27 years ago! And at 190 - my ideal body weight.   Jeeze, until I wrote that last sentence, I hadn't taken time to do the math! 190 seems like a weight someone else is, not me. I don't know if I can handle being normal. It seems like one of those daydreams that only comes true in the movies.   Ok, back on topic - the one thing most fast losers don't mention in their posts is, what they had to do to have such fast results. Did they workout 7 days a week on the treadmill for hours, living on Unjury and water? Or do they have a naturally fast metabolism?   Or are they just attention whores, looking for approval and praise?   ***Disclaimer, I know of no one that has lied about their weight loss! And no animals were harmed in the writing of this post. But my cat thinks I'm starving him!***   Anyway, the whole point of this post was supposed to be, be satisfied that you are losing weight - whatever the speed! If you want to lose faster: move a little more, eat a little better, and stick with the guidelines from your NUT.   Oh, and don't forget to have a support group like the good folks here on verticlesleevetalk. You don't have to post anything, it helps me just seeing that others have the same questions and concerns keeps me from feeling alone.
joatsaint

joatsaint

7
 

Premier Protein Drinks Review - Chocolate

I almost finished my first one without stopping, it was so good. The chocolate shakes deserve 2 thumbs up in a Z formation!   Very good taste, no grittiness. I like them better than the EAS chocolate carb control shakes. Although I do wish both brands were a little thicker.   I've tried Muscle Milk, EAS, Pure Soy and Premier Protein chocolate shakes and Premier Protein has been the best for flavor and smoothness. Very yummy, almost as good as chocolate milk.   Price wise, they are a little more expensive than EAS. EAS are 4 for $5 at Walmart. Premier Protien was 12 for $19 at Sam's Club (my Walmart didn't carry Premier).   But as good as Premier tastes, I will won't mind paying a little more. I only wish Sam's had the Premier Protein bars as well - but they were sold out. Maybe next trip.  
joatsaint

joatsaint

22
 

How To Protect Your Food From Co-workers

I don't know about you, but the 2 most important work rules I know of are:   1. Don't take another man's tools without asking first. 2. Don't F with another man's food.   Violating either rule can put you in dire jeopardy of losing blood, skin, hair or at the very least, finding a nasty surprise in your lunch kit the next day.   But my current workplace is a bit looser about those rules - being that it's mainly ladies and has more of a community atmosphere compared to the construction sites I worked in the past. So it's not uncommon to find that your friends have raided the fridge and at least part of your lunch was donated to the cause.   It was one of those serendipitous moments yesterday that I learned exactly how to protect my food in the community fridge. My director had stashed a piece of Italian Cream cake in the fridge - leftover from the previous day's birthday celebrations - in between two balloon print paper plates.   The top plate had a simple message printed in bold black Sharpie on it,   "Please do not eat me." "P.S. I already licked it!" - Kyle   Pure genius!   Have you any tips on how to protect your food/stuff/things from being "borrowed"?
joatsaint

joatsaint

8
 

SQUIRREL! or How I Made It Into Guinness

Guinness World Records called me today. It was out of the blue and I thought it was my shameful little secret. But apparently being startled by a squirrel can help you become a Guinness record breaker.   I was in the kitchen messing around and heard some scratches in the utility room. Upon opening the door, I was confronted by a dastardly squirrel. Being a normal (sort of) person, I figured if I stepped towards him, he'd head for the hills. But no, he charged me!   Squirrels aren't supposed to charge! They're supposed to hang upside down on the sides of trees and play funny games of tag with each other.   It's in the Squirrel Manual. Chapter 1 - Squirrels are supposed to look cute, chase each other, and RUN whenever confronted by things that outweigh them by 300 lbs.   This squirrel, obviously, was a dropout. He's the kinda punk squirrel that skips squirrel school, hangs around the pool hall, and smokes. I would add that he's a heroine addict, but I didn't have time to check his little squirrel arm for tracks - I was too busy trying to release the squirrel back into his natural habitat. By that, I mean that I screamed like a girl and slammed the door.   That's where Guinness comes in.   I thought my shameful little secret was my own, until I got the phone call. Apparently Guinness heard the scream and the door slam at their headquarters and tracked it back to me. I wondered how they tracked it back to me, until I saw the fault line (apparently caused by my slamming the door) snaking across my property and down the street.   I now have two Guinness records - one for Loudest Girly Scream from a Man and Hardest Door Slam Without Knocking the Door Off the Hinges.   P.S. The Man Club heard about it as well. I tried to explain that I was employing my catlike Ninja skills and the scream was my way of focusing my Chakras - but they weren't buying it.   They said they had already given me a break on the whole Monarch Butterfly incident, but they couldn't give me a pass on this one. I now have 2 points on my Man Card. One more point and I have to take a refresher class. :-(   P.P.S Does setting the world record for screaming like a girl count as an aerobic workout??????
joatsaint

joatsaint

4
 

Ultimate Revenge on a Telemarketer or How I Gave It Back to a Telemarketing Sociopath

First, let me say honestly and with all my heart – I hate telemarketers.   I believe that anyone that is a telemarketer is an undiagnosed sociopath and should kill themselves.   Seriously, if you are a telemarketer – KILL YOURSELF! Really, I’m not joking…KILL YOURSELF, NOW… I’ll wait.   Now, this may sound like a conversation right out of sitcom, but it happened to me.   A telemarketing firm was trying to gather information about our company to include us in some kind of “green” business directory. My office was bombarded with literally dozens of phone calls.   Basically they wanted to know what we did, how many employees we had, the amount of our budgets, and the who’s who of our executive staff.   At the time, we had over 120 employees and everyone’s phone number is published on our web site. So it was very easy for the telemarketers to get ahold of us.   Apparently they had a team of callers, each with a copy of our phone numbers. We were getting repeated calls to the same phone numbers over and over, from different telemarketers.   Now as we are a service oriented business, we are trained to be polite and courteous to every caller, no matter the situation. They would call, we would politely tell them that we could not give them the information they wanted, 30 minutes later -a new telemarketer would call, rinse and repeat.   We had so many repeat phone calls that it was interfering with our regular business operations. Finally, our executive director sent out an email telling us, next time we get a call, please tell them politely to stop calling us.   Day one was irritating, day two was annoying, and on day three – they finally picked my phone to call.   The first call I received, I politely told the sociopath on the other end that we could not provide them with the information they were requesting. Two hours later, I told the next sociopath, politely, that I was not allowed to give them (and I was not privy to) information regarding our payroll and budgets and to please stop calling our offices. The third call, I recognized the number on the caller ID, I was ready for them.   The conversation goes as follows:   Me: “Thank you for calling ______. This is Randy”   Sociopath: “Hello, I’m calling from ______. Can I ask you for some information about your company?”   Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give that information out over the phone. What information we do give out is posted on our website.”   Sociopath: “Can’t you tell me who your director is and the approximate budget size of your department?”   Me: “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t provide you with that information.”   “Your associates have been calling our office for the past two days asking those types of questions, and repeatedly calling the same phone numbers over and over.”   “Our director has told us to ask you to stop calling our office. I have had two other calls from your company in the past few hours. And I have asked each caller to stop calling, but your staff will not stop calling.”   “We cannot give out the information you want.”   Sociopath: “Hold sir.”   At this point I’m transferred to a manger or some higher up sociopath.   Sociopath Manager: “Hello, my name is ____. Don’t you want to be part of our “green” business directory? We are creating a business directory that features companies like yours that recycle and operate in and environmentally manner.”   Me: “I’m sorry, but we cannot release the information you want over the phone. If you want a list of our staff, it is on our website, but I don’t have access to or permission to give out financial information about our office."   “On top of that, your people have been calling us for the past three days, calling the same person multiple times, even after being told that we were not allowed to give out the information and please stop calling. Some of our people have gotten a dozen calls in one day.”   Sociopath Manager: “Maybe you don’t understand. Don’t you want your company to be listed in our “green” directory? I’m sure it would be a plus for your company to be recognized as being an environmentally friendly business.”   At this point, an evil thought entered my head. (Picture me sitting there with an angle on one shoulder and a devil on the other – scratch that, there was a devil on both shoulders! :-P)   Me: “I’m sorry, but maybe you don’t understand. We are an information business. And information is valuable. We charge for providing information.”   Sociopath Manager: “Yes, sir. But what has that got to do with being in our directory?”   Me: “Well, we charge for answering questions. We charge $25 for each question we answer over the phone.”   Sociopath Manager: “That’s a lot, to answer a question.”   Me: “Yes it is, but information is valuable. At this point I must inform you that this phone call is being recorded and if you ask one more question, you accept our terms and conditions and agree to pay $25 for each additional question.”   Sociopath Manager: “You’re kidding?”   Me: “Thank you for asking a question and acknowledging that your company is agreeing to pay the $25 per question fee. Please feel free to ask anything you want.”   CLICK!...   He hung up!...   The nerve!   When I hung up and turned around, my director was standing there with a horrified look on her face.   I asked, “What’s wrong?”   And she asks, “What if they file a complaint against us?”   I asked, “File a complaint with WHO? They called me, I didn’t call them. I was polite and treated them with respect at all times. They have been calling all our departments for three days now, repeatedly calling some of us, even after we have nicely asked them to stop calling.”   “Obviously, they do not care what we want or that they are costing us man hours and interfering with our operations.”   She says, “You lied to them. We don’t charge for answering questions over the phone.”   I replied, “They don’t know that. And how would they find out?”   At this point, my director gives up and walks away. With a worried look that said, “Somehow a telemarketing company is going to lodge a complaint against us.” Because I lied to a telemarketer!   But we didn’t get any more calls from them – ever.   P.S. I’m still trying to figure out who the telemarketing company would complain to and how the conversation would go?   I imagine it would be something like this:   “Hello, we would like to register a complaint against a business that lied to us.”   “Yes, sir. Could you describe the situation?”   “Yes. For three days, we have been repeatedly calling every phone number at a business, asking them for their financial information, budgets, names of staff, names of their directors and executive staff. And they have told us that they can’t give us that information and to please stop calling them. As our phone calls are disrupting their normal operations.”   “Yes, sir. Go on.”   “Well, on the third day of calls, I talked with a gentleman that informed me that THEY charge $25 per question. I was so perplexed that I hung up, told my staff to stop calling, and have been afraid to call them again – as we might get charged. Since then, I have been afraid to make probing calls to other businesses! Afraid to ask questions that even I realize no sane business person would answer over the phone.”   “It’s really interfering with my staff’s ability to continue normal business operations.”   “Since that time, I have learned that gentleman lied to me. They in fact, DO NOT charge $25 per question. I want to lodge a formal complaint!”   Pause   “Thank you for your call sir. I would be happy to register your complaint. But first I must tell you that this phone call is being recorded and that we charge $25 ……………”
joatsaint

joatsaint

14
 

Porn Mags for Women or How to Get Your Woman to Add to Your Porn Stash

We've all seen them, all those women's magazines clogging the checkout counters. With titles like, "How to find His Pleasure Spot," "10 New Tricks to Keep Your Man," "Good Girls Bend at the Waist, Bad Girls Bend at the Knees." Now I'm all for women boning up on how to please their man. But where is the equal treatment for men's magazines?   If those same headlines were in a man's magazine, the thing would be shamefully hidden, deep behind the counter in liquor stores, with a piece of cardboard blocking the cover, lest some young innocent soul gaze upon the image and be scarred for life.   And, GASP!, if you actually thought of buying one, you'd have to wear a disguise so your neighbors wouldn't know it was you. And you'd shamefully carry it home, wrapped in a brown paper bag or folded between the pages of a newspaper - stuffed under the car seat. So no one would know that you were about to abuse yourself in front of God and all your ancestors.   But stores proudly display women's porn right there on the end cap at the checkout counter. How did it become socially acceptable for women's porn magazines to be sold right next to the Tic Tacs and Juicy Fruit gum? Is it because because the target audience is women?   Another inequality, I saw a commercial for the micro vibrator sold by Trojan. The women in the commercial sit around in circles talking about how wonderful it is, and even grandma chimes in and happily gets in on the action.   Can you imagine the public reaction if it was 3 guys sitting in a circle (I know where you're headed - 3 guys in a circle, just don't go there!) expounding on the joys of the Fleshlight? It would be an outrage. The Christian Right would flood the airwaves with indigent protests of how shameful the commercial was and how we're all going to burn in Hell for it. But because it's women talking about masturbation, somehow it's acceptable.   And finally it hits me! The marketing! If the men's magazines just worded the headlines on the magazine covers differently, their magazines could be sitting right there next to Cosmo and the Tic Tacs! And the best part is, women would be happily buying the magazines for their boyfriends and husbands.   Just imagine if the latest edition of "Spread'em" changed the headlines from "Brandy's Naughty Adventure," to "Brandy's Illustrated Guide to Pleasing Your Woman!" or "Brandy Shows You 10 Ways to Make Your Woman Scream in Bed (No! Not by calling her by the wrong name.)" Women would rush to the stands to buy their man the latest issue. It's all in the marketing.   Keep Pimpin' that Sleeve!
joatsaint

joatsaint

5
 

Wanna See My Holes?

Ok, get your minds out of the gutter! This is just to show anyone that cares what the scars from surgery can look like at 8 weeks. The biggest scar is where they pulled the stomach leftovers out during surgery and it's about 2 inches long, the rest could be covered with a dime.   You'd think after 12 years of experience, my doctor could put the scars in a more creative layout! At least he could have tried to make a happy face or something.
joatsaint

joatsaint

3

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