ACoA

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Hi all,

I wanted to start a support thread for Adult Children of Alcoholics. My mother is a recovering alcoholic. My maternal uncle is an alcoholic and drug addict (currently in jail awaiting sentencing for possession of drug paraphernalia), while my maternal aunt is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. My paternal grandmother, paternal grandfather and paternal step-grandfather were all alcoholics, as were my two deceased paternal uncles (both died from complications resulting from their alcoholism). And that's just the relatives that I know about.

I attended Ala-Teen in high school and have attended ACoA off and on. I thought it would be nice to talk to others like me.

[abeaher 0]

Nice of you to join us! Great Idea! I am an alcoholic, also with a family history of alcoholism, deceased d/t cirrosis etc. more family members than I have time to name. I have small children and what has driven me to AA is my oldest child who started to realize what was going on. Was your mom recovered when you were growing up? will you share your experience as a child of an alcoholic parent? I am curious to know the view of a child. I don;t talk to my son about my going to AA mainly because I have only been sober now for a couple of weeks and have been trying to get sober for 3 years, I don;t want him to see me fail so I don;t talk to him about it. I think it would be to grown up of a responsibility for him at this age to worry about me. Can you help me to know what he is seeing from the eyes of an 8 year old.

Thanks

[lynners 0]

HI,

I have attended ACoA in the past. I had better results with one on one therapy though. My Father was an alcoholic. He was verbally abusive. In ACoA I would hear other peoples stories and feel that compared to them I shouldn't have any problems. I know that is faulty thinking, but I couldn't shake it.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. Next month he will get his 15 year chip. I am so proud of him.

Lynne

[lynners 0]

Nice of you to join us! Great Idea! I am an alcoholic, also with a family history of alcoholism, deceased d/t cirrosis etc. more family members than I have time to name. I have small children and what has driven me to AA is my oldest child who started to realize what was going on. Was your mom recovered when you were growing up? will you share your experience as a child of an alcoholic parent? I am curious to know the view of a child. I don;t talk to my son about my going to AA mainly because I have only been sober now for a couple of weeks and have been trying to get sober for 3 years, I don;t want him to see me fail so I don;t talk to him about it. I think it would be to grown up of a responsibility for him at this age to worry about me. Can you help me to know what he is seeing from the eyes of an 8 year old.

Thanks

As a child I remember never being comfortable in my own home. You never knew when my father would go off on someone. I'm the youngest of 7 and was usually not noticed much. I always felt bad for whoever he started in on though.

I never invited friends over. I was always to afraid of what they would here.

It's the instability, and never knowing what to expect when you open the door that I remember the most from my pre-highschool days.

[travelgirl 3]

I would like to join this thread, as I grew up with my dad and step mother who were both alcoholics. It has affected every aspect of my life.

I'll post my story sometime this weekend, when I've got more time.

Thanks for starting this thread!

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Hi Abeaher, you're quite welcome. I'm glad to see some posts here, because I was starting to wonder...surely I'm not the only ACoA on the board. Congratulations on taking that step to become sober and I wish you the best in your recovery. I also am so glad that you're worried about your children's viewpoint.

My mother attended her first AA meeting when I was 12 or so, so she was not in recovery when I was growing up. My parents were very young when I was born and were pretty big partiers. Unfortunately they also did not make too much of an attempt to shield me from any of it or control it simply because they had children in the house. So at a young age, probably the age of 5 or 6, I knew what alcohol was what, what it meant to be drunk, what pot looked and smelled like, what roach clips were, etc.

I have a lot of memories of my parents fighting after my mother drank too much. My father also drank and used drugs but did not have the same reaction, apparently that my mother did. My mother is a mean drunk -- once she gets drunk enough, she starts accusing everyone around her of hating her and doing outrageous things. She would threaten to leave my father and put my brother and me in the car to drive us to my grandparents' house. I remember at least one occasion in which my father threw the car keys in the backyard so she couldn't drive, but I also know that she drove us around drunk more than once. We did stay with my grandparents often on occasion but we were never given an explanation for why.

In addition to being an alcoholic, my mother is also bi-polar. Mixing alcohol with mood stabilizers and antidepressants only exacerbated it. So I also got to witness times when she couldn't get out of bed as well as times when she didn't sleep for days and disappeared with her friends to drink, smoke pot and have a good time. She had episodes where she was in psychiatric hospitals for a few weeks at a time (probably until insurance ran out). I had to help take care of my brothers. In those times it often seemed like I was the adult. As the eldest child, I fell into that role of trying to be the responsible high achiever.

I say that my mother is recovering only because to my knowledge she hasn't taken a drink in several years, but she is not attending AA right now. She is in therapy. The last big episode of drinking that I know of was with me. She started saying really upsetting things then accused me of hating her and tried to leave. I had to hide her car keys and call a friend of hers to come pick her up. When she came back the next day to pick up her car I didn't speak to her and it took awhile before I could again. I believe she went to AA after that for awhile but stopped. Currently I have reason to believe that she might be abusing pain medication originally prescribed for a chronic back condition, but I don't know that for sure.

I think one of the most important things for you to know is that children see, hear and understand a lot more than you think they do. It's as though my parents thought I was deaf, blind or just stupid. I could usually tell when they were lying to cover something up. I saw a lot of things that upset me but I could not understand them entirely. Some of them I grew to understand later and some of them I still don't get. For example, my father would tell me that my mother was "not herself" or "sick". As a child, I had no idea what that meant and it frightened me. Not herself? Then who was she? Sick how? She wasn't throwing up. She didn't have a cold. See what I mean?

Questions were not encouraged. Talking about my feelings was not encouraged. In the absence of a reasonable explanation for what was going on, I blamed myself. The unhealthy coping mechanisms that I learned as a child are still affecting me today. As for not wanting your child to worry...he is already doing that.

I think that there is a way to talk to your son without being too detailed, because he already knows that something is going on. Alcoholism is a disease so I think it's OK to explain it as being sick, as long as you explain that it's a special kind of sickness and just getting medicine from a doctor can't cure it. And I think it's very important to reassure him that you love him very much and he is not responsible for you. He didn't do anything bad to make you act the way that you do.

I hope that this helps and I'm happy to answer any more questions that you have. I wish that my mother or both of my parents had acknowledged this when I was a child. They barely acknowledge it now.

Nice of you to join us! Great Idea! I am an alcoholic, also with a family history of alcoholism, deceased d/t cirrosis etc. more family members than I have time to name. I have small children and what has driven me to AA is my oldest child who started to realize what was going on. Was your mom recovered when you were growing up? will you share your experience as a child of an alcoholic parent? I am curious to know the view of a child. I don;t talk to my son about my going to AA mainly because I have only been sober now for a couple of weeks and have been trying to get sober for 3 years, I don;t want him to see me fail so I don;t talk to him about it. I think it would be to grown up of a responsibility for him at this age to worry about me. Can you help me to know what he is seeing from the eyes of an 8 year old.

Thanks

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Hi Lynne,

I understand what you mean. When I first attended a group for teenage children of alcoholics (organized by my HS counselor), I was sure I didn't belong since they had stories of physical and sexual abuse, being evicted, police being called, houses burning down, etc. But yes, that's part of the thinking. I never put my own feelings, thoughts and needs first anyway.

I like individual therapy moreso too, I think, but it is nice on occasion to get other stories.

Congratulations to your husband and to you for your support of him!

HI,

I have attended ACoA in the past. I had better results with one on one therapy though. My Father was an alcoholic. He was verbally abusive. In ACoA I would hear other peoples stories and feel that compared to them I shouldn't have any problems. I know that is faulty thinking, but I couldn't shake it.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. Next month he will get his 15 year chip. I am so proud of him.

Lynne

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Welcome! It most assuredly affects every aspect of our lives to grow up with alcoholics.

I would like to join this thread, as I grew up with my dad and step mother who were both alcoholics. It has affected every aspect of my life.

I'll post my story sometime this weekend, when I've got more time.

Thanks for starting this thread!

[catzintj 1]

wow good posts. i enjoyed reading all you have to say. I attended ACOA years ago. it was very helpful and good to see that i was not alone in some of my confusion.. my dad has been a recovering alcoholic for 28 years.... he stopped drinking when i was very young , I never witnessed him drinking. but the absence from the home was hard on my mother and all 5 children. fortunately my father got me involved in his recovery. my parents divorced and that is a scar that never healed. the exposure to AA and my fathers recovery was wonderful. my father and i are really close and the program helped my father to grow and become a wise man. i have learned a lot from my dad and his wisdom. he helps many people and is a blessing. i learned one important thing about myself. that is that im terrible at commitment. this is due to the divorce and unstable environment i was raised in. i always feel like if i get too close i will get hurt , that it is going to end eventually. everytime i had a fight with a boyfriend id break up and move away. extreme stuff that was unhealthy. i still struggle with chaos. sometimes we are comfortable with the chaos we were raised in and even though i recognize that it is unhealthy and i dont want to live that way, its like sub consciously i consider it normal.

i enjoyed the meetings. i think it is wise if alcoholics get the whole family involved in the recovery, if possible. i understand the fear that you may feel, but i think the family can get help and learn even if you slip up and take a drink. i recommend surrounding oneself with people who have many years of recovery .

[travelgirl 3]

I have been trying to figure out where to start in telling my story, but there's too much to tell in one sitting, so I'll start with one thing.

I remember when I was about 8 or 9. My mom had been diagnosed with MS, and it wasn't long before she was in a wheelchair. She had been in a wheelchair for maybe a year or so when this happened.

We were at my aunt's house (mom's sister), for either Christmas or New Year's, I can't really recall which now, and my dad really tied one on good. He usually drank beer, but this night, he had been drinking hard liquor with my uncle. (also an alcoholic)

My mom had to be helped to the bathroom late in the evening. My dad helped her. My mom (who was also drinking, altho, not an alcoholic) sometimes liked to push his buttons. She must have pushed the wrong one that night when my dad helped her to the bathroom, because the next thing we know, he's yelling at her that he works hard to provide for her and me, and how she doesn't appreciate what he does, and on and on and on for what seemed like hours. We lived in the next town about 11 miles away. My dad decided that it was time to go home.

We got in the car, with my dad (staggering drunk) behind the wheel, mom in the front with him, and me in the backseat. I remember that ride home being the scariest car ride of my life. Mom egging dad on, and dad threatening to kill us all by driving really fast into a bridge embankment or into a ditch. I honestly don't know how we ever made it home that night.

After we got home, I remember that the fight continued between mom and dad, and it ended up with my dad putting his fist through the bathroom door.

Now, I don't want you to think that my dad was ever abusive, physically, because he wasn't. To either one of us. But he sure had a mean streak, and I was always afraid of him. All he had to do was say my name a certain way, and that was enough to put the fear of God into me.

My dad's family still says that he wasn't that way before he went to 'Nam, that he came back "changed". I believe that. And I believe that Vietnam is at least partly to blame for his alcoholism, as well.

Anyway, that's a start. It's certainly not the beginning, or even the tip of the iceberg, but it seemed like a good place to start.

Abeaher: I wanted to start there because you mentioned that you'd like to be able to see it from the eyes of an 8 year old. While I don't remember every detail from that night, I certainly remember quite a lot of it, and I certainly remember how it made me feel. I hated my dad for acting that way. And I knew that it was because he was drunk, and I still hated him for it. Kids understand a hell of a lot more than we'd like to think.

I applaud you for getting sober and I'm praying for your sake as well as your son's sake that you can stay sober. And as far as thinking that it's too much of a responsibility to put on him to worry about your sobriety.....that's not under your control. He'll worry about it whether you talk to him about it or not. That's a responsibility he'll take on his own.

Here's my disclaimer: Your son might be far different from me when I was 8, this is just my experience, and I'm trying to be as honest as I can be about what I remember about being that age.

[abeaher 0]

Thanks for all the replies, I am sure it is not easy to put such painful memories out there for everyone to see, but please know that your stories will help to change the life of at least one child....mine and for that I am very grateful. Continue posting, I think this forum is such a GREAT idea.

[travelgirl 3]

Anyone else have something they can share?

[GreenChrysalis 1]

Kind of sad that there hasn't been more activity here. I'm not sure what I can add at the moment, though. I am in therapy right now and although initially it was to deal with emotional/compulsive eating, I've learned how much having an alcoholic parent relates to that. It's all tied up together.

I'm sure there are more adult children of alcoholics on LBT; I hope that they can find this thread and share.

[serenity55 15]

Hello,

One of the things I've always cherished about twelve step programs is the honesty I found there.

I come from a large family, ten girls and three boys. My mom died of metastatic breast cancer when I was nine, and after that were my first memories of my father's drinking. As a blind child I was sheltered, according to one of my sisters, from lots of things, but his rage wasn't one of them. Or his live--in girlfriend. I live with a lot of physical and emotional neglect, broken windows, horrible living conditions which I won't go in to, unless someone really wants to know. My father was the only one in the family allowed to get angry. He used to introduce me to his alcoholic friends as "my blind daughter,," and one time I made the mistake of pointing out how obvious that was. He was taking most of the money given to me by the state as a disabled child, until one of my older sisters stepped in. When his girlfriend pointed out that I had a broken window in my room, his response was, "She's got money. Let her pay for it."

When I first joined Al-Anon, I was very angry, and refused to see my father's alcoholism as a disease. I'm sure my sponsor wanted to strangle me at times, because I wanted to just tell him what a jerk he was. While I never forgave him for the way he treated me, I was able to accept the fact that I couldn't change him.

When I moved in with my sister, I thought that all my trouble was over. Little did I know that the effects of my father's drinking would follow me, and they would be things I'd have to work on, be aware of, probably for the rest of my life.

My family can't understand why I refused to see my dad when he was dying. I felt nothing for him. He never denied he was an alcoholic, and told my sister he didn't want to beg anyone to come to see him. But he also asked me years ago if I believed he loved me, and I said no. That was very empowering to me.

I have lost four of my sisters to illness, and a brother who was shot to death. I think they all went to their graves bearing the scars of my father's alcoholism, but for the most part, they had contact with him before they died. Not my brother, though. He was a pretty troubled young man.

Thank you for reading this, if you've gotten this far. Thank you, Green Chrysalis, for this thread.

Debbie

[scarlettbegonia 0]

I just wanted to say i think this is a fantastic idea....i grew up with an alcholic mother who did'nt get sober until i was 21 she tried a couple of times but always picked up before that....she had her 8th "birthday "the other which is fantastic and im very proud of her.

we are quite close now i would'nt say really close or as close as she would like but we're closer than i expected to be.

I did'nt have alot of the horrible things happen that others have but i did grow up sole parent /only child which meant i really had no-one to turn to and tried to hide/coverup for my mum alot.

Im pretty sure my weight issues stem in part from growing up in that situation in part from coming from a very addictive family and in part from trying to cope/dissappear,I personally have struggled with addictions but not so much with alchole as i decided when i was 18 that thats not the way i was going to go even though i very much enjoyed drinking

adeaher i just wanted to say to you that i think its wonderful that you're trying to get this sorted whilst your kids are still relativly young....i agree with what the others said about your kids realising and taking in more than you know...i have memories as far back as 4 yrs old of pissed and stoned people and the things that were going on in our house...they may not talk about it but they won't forget it either

if i can offer support to you in any way im more than happy to be here for you....it's hard and i realise that but you deserve the best for YOU and your family and you CAN do it