Scared and nervous about surgery, need some support

[lenab022 1]

Hello! This is my first post on the site and I wasn't sure where it belonged, so hopefully I came to the right place.

I'm in month 3 of the 6 month pre op wait for insurance, and the reality of actually going through with the surgery is getting a bit deeper every day. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it, like 85%?? I am 38 years old, 5'8" tall and 277 pounds. Wow...writing out the number it really is huge isn't it. I've been overweight since about 25 - I got married that year at 175 lbs. Three years before that I weighed 142-158. So yeah, gained over 100 pounds. This is my highest weight outside of pregnancy. I am an emotional eater, with a huge sweet tooth, diet coke addiction, and very bad at Portion Control. I threw most of my "healthy eating" rules for myself out the window when I experienced a difficult suicide of a loved one when I was 22 and while I have healed from that I still have very bad habits

I guess the main thing that holds me back a bit from surgery, is I know the underlying issue is psychological, and I have mixed feelings about permanently altering my body in this way. That maybe I should just attack the psychological issues and not remove part of my stomach. But then I see the success people have and doubt being able to reach that without surgery. I don't really want to wait any longer to lose a significant amount of weight because I am approaching 40 and I'm very worried about heart disease and dying from a heart attack at a young age. I have a 1 year old son and I can't leave him, I want to be there for him and have more energy to do things with him too. Just a week ago I had a terrifying experience where I thought I was actually having a heart attack and had to have someone call 911. I was in a store with my son. It was awful. It turned out to be gastrointestinal. and not heart related but it gave me a glimpse that something really could happen.

While it definitely thrusted me more towards surgery, I have some hangups I'm struggling with and wondering if anyone here has had the same issues. Here is what I worry about:

1. How will I still cook meals for my family when I can't eat the same things or much at all? While I already cook healthy for my son's sake, I don't want to deprive him of carbs etc because of me. How will I be able to make this work for the whole family, mainly my son?

2. When I was thinner, I never really had high self esteem. I never was able to be comfortable in my own skin so to speak, at any weight. I'm certainly not comfortable being this large but I guess part of me has accepted it. When I was thinner, and much much younger, I often felt like a sex object and hated having men "put their eyes on me" when it was unwelcome (usually was) and I've always wondered if a part of my weight gain was trying to hide and stop getting that attention, especially after getting married. I guess even though I know I'm not 21 anymore, I still worry about being "attractive" again if I'm lucky enough to lose a lot of weight, and getting unwanted attention. Those looks make me feel violated and I don't want to feel on display.

3. I worry about long term physical implications with aging. Obviously losing weight will go a LONG way towards preventing heart attacks, etc. but what if this surgery makes old age more difficult in terms of not absorbing nutrients properly?

I feel like there are a million signs pointing to YES DO THE SURGERY, but these things are keeping me cfrom fully comitting to it at this point.

Sorry this was a bit rambly - I started out clear headed and got very tired by the end of this as the typing editor took a very long time to process my typing....not sure why. Anyway, hope someone can make sense of how I'm feeling and give me some perspective. Thank you.

[staysweet09 0]

Smiling while reading your message because you sound so much like myself. Start out clearly and get in deeper and then you ramble? LOL same here. I think a lot of people feel the same way you do and have so many worries and questions and second-guessing. At least that's all I'm reading over and over on several sites. I am in my 5th month pre op and a sugar, diet coke , emotional eater addict I have NOT been doing my healthy eating last few months steadily. I stress on surgery and being denied too.

[staysweet09 0]

And also worried on how to cook for my 17 year old son when I won't have hunger cravings at first. The smell of food won't be appetizing and therefore I probably won't want to cook :-) my suggestion or idea rather for myself would be frozen meals healthy for family and or prepare meals on Sundays put in tupperware and they can heat up that way you would only cook once a week or freeze things? I'm sure people who have already done this will have more answers

[NWJill 119]

I am 6 weeks post op and I am doing fine cooking for my family. It was hard when I was so limited the first month but I was cleared to eat as I tolerate and now I am pretty much able to cook normally. I just eat the Protein and veggies for the meals I cook and my husband and nine year old may add some carb items if they want them. My husband is actually loving it because I make scrambled eggs with veggies and cheese most mornings and he likes having something more than Cereal like we use to.

I was one who questioned the surgery at first but I am so glad I did it. Yes you still have to deal with the emotional stuff, that doesn't go away but I feel more in control now. I gave up diet soda (this was not easy for me) and I rarely even crave sweets or junk at this point.

[orionburn 1,023]

Does your program require a pysch eval? If so that is a good opportunity to be open and honest and talk through some of it. You aren't the only one that questioned whether this was the right decision to make. For me the health benefits outweighed the potential cons of surgery. The last month as been a big eye opener for me. Being on a liquid diet prior to surgery and then post-op was a big mental reset for me. There are things that I miss, but I also realize now how much control they had on me. As much of a physical change as it is for our bodies you definitely have to prepare yourself mentally.

Needing some help to sort through issues is nothing to be ashamed of. It pains me seeing people post-op dealing with struggles because they never addressed them prior to surgery. When you're on the other side it's a big wake up call that yes, I may not be able to ever do X, Y, or Z again. Like you, however, those things aren't worth the change of adding years to my life.

Like NWJill said the first month can be pretty tough. I'm on the pureed stage and should be back to regular foods later this week. Our meal plans will be different from now on, but I've also been preparing myself that it's okay if my wife has Pasta and I don't. There's no reason for me to deny things that she enjoys. I simply won't have any. For me the struggle hasn't been as bad because of the weight loss. I'm 3 1/2 weeks post-op and feel better right now than I have in years.

You have legitimate fears and concerns. My doc said he doesn't like patients that aren't worried to some extent...lol. It's just a sign that you realize this is a big change and not a magic wand. Definitely take this period of time to talk with somebody. It'll be worth it in the long run.

[markbahr 15]

It will be fine.and you will be on your way to success

[Sparkles21 35]

I'm having the bypass on March 16th. I've had many of those same fears. As of today, my only fear is that I chose the best surgery for me. I work in Healthcare and have had a lot of opinions offered to me that I should do the sleeve instead. Anyway, you have 3 more months to let this absorb. You should consider getting 1 on 1 counseling to work with your addiction. The surgery will help you lose weight but not forget if you don't change your habits in the meantime. (I'm speaking to myself too!) As for your child, I think you should cook what you can eat for dinner. Get him in the habit of not having grains so often. He can have whole grain toast or Cereal for Breakfast. To me, I'm not forcing my husband or 5 boys to change, but I'm encouraging healthier eating habits and only cooking ONE meal for dinner! My kids have actually expressed appreciation! Good luck!

[triplethreat 257]

I cook and eat with my family, and have since 8 weeks post op, when I was cleared to eat anything. My kids are 17-17-15-10 and they were used to healthy eating before I had wls; post surgery of course everything was low carb. Feeding your child low carb meals certainly won't deprive him, and if he eats a sandwich once in a while he's getting plenty of carbs. My kids are old enough to cook and have taken over making dinner 2 nights a week-- maybe including your son in meal planning, if not production, would be helpful.

As for people looking at you, that isn't something you can control, but a therapist might be able to address how you perceive it and help you identify strategies for responding.

You will have to take Vitamins for life. I had the sleeve and still need Iron, B12, and Calcium. This takes 30 seconds a day. I'm worth 30 seconds a day. It's not a burden.

If you don't feel ready for this, then my advice would be to wait. You can't undo it and you have to be sure. For me, it's given me a new, active life and I would absolutely do it again; but, I considered it for 4 years before I was ready to commit.