Negative reactions from friends/family?

[krystalrose219 12]

Hello guys!

I'm brand new to the forums; I just got my surgery date for January 2017. I'm mostly very excited, but I've also been feeling a bit nervous lately when I think about others reactions when they hear I'm doing this- particularly my family. I know that at the end of the day, it's my body and my choice, but it's still definitely discouraging to get negative reactions from people who I love and care for very much and I know they feel the same way about me.

Most people I've told have been supportive and thankfully this includes my immediate family and closest friends- people who matter the most. However, I've had some less than positive reactions from a couple members of my extended family. They distrust doctors/medicine and insist that I should just "try harder" to lose the weight through diet and exercise. I have a very large extended family that I see relatively often, so just thinking about all the reactions (positive and negative) I'm going to have to deal with is starting to feel overwhelming.

A bit of background, I am on the young side (20 years old), so I understand that my choice can be hard to accept. Also, my whole life, I've always done everything "the right way". I've always gotten excellent grades and been on honor roll. Right now I'm a junior in college studying neuroscience. I've never gotten into any kind of trouble, never had issues with behavior. I've never had to deal with anyone in my family thinking negatively about my life and so I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that some people I care about very much are going to be disappointed with me. Even if they'll eventually "get over it", it's still hard.

Basically, I'm just wondering if anyone has any general advice or would like to share their experience with friends and family finding out. Specifically, how did you respond to people who insisted you should just "lose the weight naturally"?

[James Marusek 5,244]

I told many people about my decision to have weight loss surgery (WLS). In general their response fell into two categories: supportive, or curious. The only negative reaction that I received was from my mother. She is elderly and depends on me for some support. So I can understand her reaction was one that was adverse to anything that might potentially interrupt that support.

Many people who decide to have WLS do so after trying for years to lose weight through exercise and diet and failed time and time again. It is called yo-yo dieting. They lose weight and then after awhile gain it all back and then some. WLS provides fairly positive results for many people. I attended several Bariatric Surgery Support Group Meetings. I find it interesting that many of the people choosing to have this surgery are nurses. They see first hand the effect of obesity, and its correlation to decaying health. They also see the positive outcomes of those that had surgery and they are increasingly standing in line to have WLS.

[Bufflehead 6,358]

Ask them if they plan on sticking to natural dentistry (no anesthetics! no steel tools! no mass-produced toothpaste! just pick your teeth with a twig and if you get a cavity, have your friend pull it out with some pliers? Or natural transportation - why can't they just try harder to walk where they need to go, or capture a wild burro and use it for transport, instead of relying on all that lazy technology stuff needed to make a car? Or natural eating? Are they so lazy and unnatural that they buy meat wrapped in plastic from a supermarket? Let them whittle a bow and arrow and find their own meat the natural way.

Seriously, medical science is great. Don't apologize for using it. If anything, laugh in their faces, they are being ridiculous.

A slightly less confrontational tactic is to just smile and say thanks for your concern! My doctors agree that this is the best approach for me. If they say something negative again, just keep repeating and refuse to engage beyond thanks for your concern. I hear you and would really appreciate your support going forward.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@krystalrose219 You are at a fairly high BMI for only 20 years old. It's nearly impossible to lose weight on your own and keep it off (the stats are 5% of people maintain that weight loss). Those aren't great odds and it's best to take control of your weight/health before you develop comorbidities. Try and explain this to your family (if you want their support) or just have their negative comments go in one ear and out the other. I don't think they will truly be disappointed in you - they just might be scared and think surgery is such an extreme measure. It is - but it's also life saving! Don't wait until you are older - probably heavier, have high blood pressure, diabetes, degenerative joint disease, etc. A young man next to me at my pre-op teaching class explained he was having surgery because his doctors told him if he didn't he would die. He had a stroke 7 days after his 24th birthday!

I admire you for taking this journey at such a young age. I wish I did!

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@krystalrose219

I really think it is awesome you are doing this at a young age. I wish I was able to, my entire life would have been very different.

I didn't tell people except my really close friends about my surgery, because I didn't want other peoples opinions because honestly I don't care about their opinions.

I think at your age though, I would have told everyone and my family. I would have suffered through all their comments. And it would have beat me down.

You can't do what is done, but you are just going to have to learn not to care, or it is going to make you crazy. Tell them this is the only option for you and unless they are going to carry around the extra 200 pounds for you, they can pound sand.

[Niki0525Wilson 28]

Hay I'm 27 and I told all my friends and family via a Facebook post and I also mentioned that I'm doing this for me and I told them if you don't have anything positive and supportive to say keep your opinions to your self because even if you see this as a easy way out or as cheating you don't know the struggles I have gone through due to being overweight and what matters most is how I feel and how having this surgery is going to change my life for the better, So just be happy for me.

I'm also having my surgery in Jan 2017

[theantichick 2,204]

http://www.theantichick.com/2016/08/05/the-easy-way-out/

Here's my response. There's a lot of research showing that the odds for someone keeping off large amounts of weight long-term are 5%. The yo-yo dieting is worse for our bodies than the weight in the first place. If diet/exercise haven't worked historically for me, and the overall chance of it working at all is 5% or less, I'm looking for another tool. WLS is the tool that I and my doctors have decided on.

[Cervidae 2,389]

Hello. I was 23 when I had my RNY last year and I never told most of my family. I know just from growing up with them that the chances of them being extremely judgmental or worse had I actually told them were basically 100%. Even now at nearly 14 months post op and after losing over 250 pounds, I KNOW that if I told them about surgery, the happiness and pride they're feeling now about my health and progress would still be there, but it would be overshadowed by judgment, ignorance, and jealousy. Having them believe I changed my diet drastically, focus on exercise, and generally take much better care of myself is the reason I've lost weight (which, it is!) without knowing surgery kick-started it and made it possible is essentially showing me their kindness without the ignorance. It's a win-win situation to me.

As for being young... how often do you see people here saying they wish they had done it when they were younger? How many people marveling at how incredible they feel and lamenting spending so many years, decades suffering when they could have prevented it? Does it even make sense to know what lays at the end of the road you're travelling is an early painful and humiliating death, but to keep travelling down that road instead of just taking a fork NOW before you harm yourself permanently? When I finally understood and really made myself believe these things, caring about the opinions of the people who bitch about me being too young just sort of melted away. They're telling me I'm too young to save my own life and fight for decades of extra years and health. After taking these things to heart, their opinions suddenly seem not only laughable but offensive. You're not a child anymore, and you know what you need to be healthy. It's time for the adults in our lives to sit down and stop being our authority. They are now the lucky spectators of our wonderful future.

[Diva Taunia 198]

Hey Krystal,

I think the most important thing to remember first is that often times, no matter what the reaction is and whether or not it's supportive or not, it generally IS out of concern and love for you. Try to keep that in the foreground no matter how a person responds and I think it will better equip you to deal with reactions.

My experience is that most people are supportive. For those who aren't, it's generally a reaction based in fear and a lack of understanding or knowledge. They are concerned because they've heard stories or some loosely thrown out facts about a fatality from ten years ago (and usually the one story out of thousands). They are scared, and because you are young, that will only serve to make people more hesitant if they have concerns about weight loss surgery already.

The best thing you can do is arm yourself with information: facts and statistics as well as a clear definition of why this surgery is important to YOU and your life, and how it will make a profound impact in your quality of life. It's hard for people to argue that, and even if they're still hesitant about the surgery itself, they'll likely feel more secure in your decision and will support you as best they can.

What it really comes down to is that it's your body, your health, your future and your decision. You own that. If you feel it's the best decision for you, the people that you love you will honor that and support you. I wish you the very best !

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

The relatives who are being negative have no say in anything. This absolutely is your body, your life, your health, your future, your decision. You never asked their permission or advice. The extended family doesn't get a vote in this election. Tell them as much if they harp on it again. Give your most affectionate smile as you say it. You can get away with anything short of a punch in the gut if you're smiling.

I'm having fun, so I'll put it another way. Think of this as your bat mitzva: TODAY YOU ARE A WOMAN.

Edited October 7, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[summerset 5,261]

http://www.theantichick.com/2016/08/05/the-easy-way-out/

So lets assume it is the easy way out - who cares? Why make life harder than it has to be? Why not take the best chance to get to your goal? Wouldn't you be an idiot to not take your best bet?

Hey, some people might like to take their dirty laundry to the river and slap it around on some stones to wash their clothes clean, doing it "the hard and natural way". I prefer a washing machine and dryer...

[Heather I 500]

This could be the first step in your life of not letting people pleasing hamper your life. Believe me, there's a LOT of people on here who put EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET ahead of themselves. You're not being a bad person to take care of yourself. They probably will be very negative, especially due to your age, so I wouldn't tell if you can!

[shoodle72 61]

I too am a nurse. If I had the chance to have the surgery at your age I would have jumped at it. I now have high blood pressure and diabetes. If I leave it much longer I will develop heart problems. I'm scheduled for sleeve surgery on the 21st October. I can't wait.

As for my surgery, I live in Australia and our health system is quite different. I saw my surgeon, set my date and had my tests done before I told my family. My brother practically needed a Valium to tell him. My mum is finally coming around but this is due to the fact that I help her with household tasks.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[highfunctioningfatman 2,675]

I still haven't told my dad. My mom died 8 months after getting bypass in 2001. Her body was fighting cancer and it wasn't found. During healing her body couldn't heal and fight the cancer. He is completely against wls. I told him that I over produced ghrelin which is true. I told him that the surgery would reduce ghrelin levels and allow me to lose weight which is true. He doesn't need to know more than that.

[theantichick 2,204]

http://www.theantichick.com/2016/08/05/the-easy-way-out/

So lets assume it is the easy way out - who cares? Why make life harder than it has to be? Why not take the best chance to get to your goal? Wouldn't you be an idiot to not take your best bet?

Hey, some people might like to take their dirty laundry to the river and slap it around on some stones to wash their clothes clean, doing it "the hard and natural way". I prefer a washing machine and dryer...

True, which is why I stated:

"Wait a minute, didn't I just make an argument for it being the "easy way out"? Depends, I guess, on how you look at it. If I am running a race, and it's uphill, is it taking the easy way out to ditch the 50 lbs of sand someone put in my backpack? Is it taking the easy way out to buy good running shoes with good ankle support, or should I just go ahead with the 3" heeled pumps because that's what I was given? I'm choosing to equip myself better for the long haul. To me, that's smart, not cheating."