Do I REALLY need a support person?

[gina171 626]

Going to be completely open here. I have done my psych eval, and go for my half-day plus surgeon appt (plus tests) on July 14. That's my 25th wedding anniversary. Husband and I have been living apart since Nov 2015; we moved to anew state 4 years ago and haven't really put roots down deeply here yet, probably BC of our marital issues plus years of caring for a terminally ill family member. So, not a big group of close friends here yet.

Husband and I are somewhat friendly, and he wanted to go to my surgeon appt as my support person on July 14, wanted to be with me in hospital during operation and overnight, and wanted me to come back to our house to recuperate post surgery. At first I said sure.

But now I realize, being around him too much is not good for me. He sends constant mixed signals, which get my hopes up, and basically is very much invested in being the "good guy" who saves the day. It's who he's always been. But now, it is just too hard to be around him, the constant stress I feel when around him is awful, and I really fear that if he were there as my support through all this, it would just confuse things for me and would break my heart again.

So.....do you think it is reasonable for me to do this all alone? I can get rides to and from the hospital. I can stock up on Protein shakes and Jello, have all this at my rented condo, have Water bottles ready, lots of pillows. Is it reasonable I could climb up and down a flight of stairs without assistance, a day post op? Can I shower alone? If need be I could also hire a home health aide to check in once a day?

Thoughts based on your experiences immediately post op and in the first 4 weeks?

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Edited July 4, 2016 by gina171

[Kindle 8,667]

I am single and live alone. I travelled to Mexico for surgery. Went shopping the day after surgery, I was on the 6th floor of the Marriot and I purposely walked up and down the stairs instead of taking the elevator. Drove myself home from the airport five hours 3 days postop. Returned to a driveway full of snow, which I plowed with my ATV. I fed and watered my horses, dogs and cats. I went shopping, did laundry, got a haircut, and was back to work within a week. Other than asking a friend to shovel a path to the barn I had no problems taking care of myself and house/ranch chores. Couldnt lift over 20 pounds for 3 weeks, but that was manageable.

[gina171 626]

@@Kindle .... Thanks! Very encouraging!!!

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[Valentina 2,642]

I drove myself to and from the hospital, made funeral arrangements, housed funeral out of towners, and then moved--all by myself.

Do I suggest it? no

Is it doable? If the need be.

[ocgirl15 667]

I wanted my husband to care for the kids so I got a ride to the hospital from a friend so he could get them on the bus. He came later but I didn't need him there. Actually would have preferred to be alone. He never helped care for me when I got home. I did everything for myself. This was by choice again I wanted him to concentrate on the kids which was a huge responsibility I didn't have to worry about! Now ideally we all need support but you would do better alone than with someone who adds stress to your life. Maybe just get rides from him because many hospitals won't discharge without a ride. That way you let him "help" you without actually spending much time with him.

[HeavenlyGirl101 36]

I am single and live alone. I travelled to Mexico for surgery. Went shopping the day after surgery, I was on the 6th floor of the Marriot and I purposely walked up and down the stairs instead of taking the elevator. Drove myself home from the airport five hours 3 days postop. Returned to a driveway full of snow, which I plowed with my ATV. I fed and watered my horses, dogs and cats. I went shopping, did laundry, got a haircut, and was back to work within a week. Other than asking a friend to shovel a path to the barn I had no problems taking care of myself and house/ranch chores. Couldnt lift over 20 pounds for 3 weeks, but that was manageable.

Did you need a lot of post op care? I haven't lined up any doctors to see me after I get my surgery in Mexico 8/5. Any suggestions?

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[OKCPirate 5,323]

Do you have kids? I was divorced for several years going into this. I was great going through it alone.

The reason bring up kids is I just used the opportunity to update my estate in case some thing went seriously south. But it helped me realize that I could get hit by a car et al. So it was a good wake up call

[gina171 626]

@@OKCPirate .... Kids are 20 and 23, off at college and on their own.

But funny you mentioned estate planning, BC I was thinking at bare minimum I wanted to get together a will and a living will, just in case. Almost more concerned with living will, don't want to leave my family with a hard decision if things go very badly and I am on life support.

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[CowgirlJane 14,259]

My relationship was ending ( only I hadn't received the memo yet) at the time of my sleeve. I very much benefitted from the moral support my (now ex) partner gave me.

No intention to offend, Kindle is one tough cowgirl, most of us need a little more help than that! However, physically I was able to take care of myself 100% from day one but I would NOT be doing farm chores right away!

So, you will be able to care for yourself physically and the support is only helpful... Well, if it's helpful! My ex did ease my worries, but I also wanted to be left alone in my miseries too!

[Kindle 8,667]

I am single and live alone. I travelled to Mexico for surgery. Went shopping the day after surgery, I was on the 6th floor of the Marriot and I purposely walked up and down the stairs instead of taking the elevator. Drove myself home from the airport five hours 3 days postop. Returned to a driveway full of snow, which I plowed with my ATV. I fed and watered my horses, dogs and cats. I went shopping, did laundry, got a haircut, and was back to work within a week. Other than asking a friend to shovel a path to the barn I had no problems taking care of myself and house/ranch chores. Couldnt lift over 20 pounds for 3 weeks, but that was manageable.

Did you need a lot of post op care? I haven't lined up any doctors to see me after I get my surgery in Mexico 8/5. Any suggestions?

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Blood work (chemistry panel, CBC, folate, B12, D3, iron/ferritin, and calcium) at 3, 6, 12 mo this and annually thereafter.

@@gina171 it's always a good idea to keep your will updated. I don't have kids, but I do have pets that I need taken care of. As well as a house, property and investments. I've had a will and living will since my mid 20's. It's easy to do and can save your family a lot of problems and heartache if anything happens, surgery or no surgery. Heck, you could be hit by a truck tomorrow. My best friend committed suicide with no will. Believe me, the estate and child support/custody stuff turned into a complete nightmare for his parents, ex wife, and kid. Death and grief bring out the worst in people. It's a lot easier with a will spelling out every detail.

[iamjohnbamber 150]

I'm single and living alone, and a week post op today. I'm mainly using Facebook and this site as my support system but I have some local friends that have been great; I'm doing fine. I had a friend come down and help me out with driving me to and from the hospital, but he went home the day after I got back.

Don't overdo anything since you'll still be healing from the procedure, but its good to be up and moving and doing things for yourself around the house, etc.

Best of luck!

[waterwoman 172]

Going in to and out of surgery is a vulnerable time. My suggestion would be to surround yourself with people who are totally on your side.

[Kindle 8,667]

Gee, thanks @@CowgirlJane my "strong, confident independent woman" persona can come off as "stubborn, cold hearted b1tch", but I'll take tough cowgirl, too

Yes, I answered this post from a physical support aspect. I don't typically think about the emotional/moral support aspect of things (because I'm so cold hearted). In general, I prefer solitude to work things out on my own, but in reality I have a loving supportive family just a phone call away if I ever need them, and friends that would be there in a second.

[gina171 626]

@@Kindle .... I have been reading and posting here for months, and I never ever thought of you as cold hearted. Never.

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[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@gina171 I live alone, not near any family or friends and I am single. My friend was here with me for surgery to take me to and from the hospital. I came home 26 hours after surgery, and my friend left the next morning. I was alone, and I was perfectly fine. I stopped taking the pain meds before my friend left and I was up and driving and caring for myself.

If you have a smooth recovery and a high pain tolerance, I think you will be fine alone. I actually recommend being alone because it is easier to work through your own emotions without other people projecting their feelings and expectations on you.