Feeling Judged

[jenmcd623 76]

I was sleeved on 3/7/16. I had some complications and was off of work for a total of 7 weeks. When I came back I had a lot of coworkers who have been super supportive and have been encouraging me through my journey. I have been an open book with everyone about my journey. The problem is I have one coworker who came up to me yesterday and wanted to talk to me in private. She is a little bigger and I thought she was going to ask me for advice. Instead she told me that she doesn't understand why I did the surgery. She said in the 2 years she has worked with me she has never seen me try to diet or anything (which isn't true) and she said that I shouldn't have done the surgery snd I should have tried harder. She doesn't know my past and how I have struggled for years of dieting and failing. She said that I should have tried harder with dieting. By time I had stated working with her I had severe depression and had given up on weight loss working for me.

She was really upset that the other day I had gone to Subway with some other coworkers and had gotten a salad, which she didn't go, and I had gotten less lettuce and more Protein, and also added my own protein that I brought (because I was prepared and knew I was going) she said that I shouldn't be going out and that I should be bringing my own food, that I am falling into my old ways and that I am going to fail at this weight loss too. She said she isn't the only one that feels that way at work and that there are others but they won't come up to me and tell me. I'm not sure of the truth to that, but it makes me feel extremely self conscious while I am at work.

This is the first time I've had anyone have negative response to my surgery. I feel really defeated about this and it is bothering me so much more than I feel it should. Any advise?

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[PayItForward 207]

I would just try to ignore her advice. She has not found a way to solve her own weight problems but wants to tell you what to do. She probably isn't doing it our of hatred, she is just uneducated about WLS. She sounds like she wont be responsive to your advice so just let her stay ignorant.

[jessicawilki 7]

Maybe she is concerned and wants to see how your progress is before she tries to reach out and get help herself if she is not already doing so.

There are going to be people out there who will always have their two cents to put in. Keep calm and keep it moving. The more you progress the more she will be putting her foot in her mouth.

Great job by the way, I may never meet you or get to know you, but I am sooo glad you went on this journey! Congrats.

jdubbs

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@jenmcd623 She's trying to sabotage you by putting these negative thoughts in your head. Misery loves company. She has no business accusing you of never attempting to diet. Keep your head up and don't let her bring you down! Stay strong and prove her wrong!

[Bufflehead 6,358]

Next time she says something gross and offensive (try to say it with a straight face): "thanks for your concern and support! It means so much to me!"

After that: "aren't YOU sweet to be concerned about ME. Bless your heart." (look surprised and meaningful)

Repeat as necessary . . .

[Heather I 500]

Wow. Geez. Debbie Downer, much? IDK what to say, I'd just run for the hills every time I ran into her. Let your results speak for themselves. You're doing great, all prepared, and that sucks she put that nasty ear worm in your head.

[Christinamo7 4,041]

some people want to see you succeed. they are your cheerleaders.

some people, for reasons completely unrelated to YOU, want to see you fail. they may or may not realize it. you have to learn to let their opinions roll off you because 1. it is not helpful and 2. it isn't you, it's them. in fact you may even come to feel a little sorry for it. These may be people you are unable to cut out of your life, but try to remember they are doing you a favor by showing you who they really are. then you are aware and can avoid thinking of them as a real friend or cheerleader.

thinking of a former coworker who kinda wants to see me fail to justify her choice to not change her life. it's ok, it's not about me.

it sure can hurt sometimes though. I am someone who gives my heart away TOO easily. I fall in love (in a friendship way) all the time, and when people don't love me back Jesus just has to put my heart back together (again and again and again) but I'd rather be that way than pessimistic or cold hearted.

[Babbs 14,680]

When you tell people about your surgery, expect judgement. There's a lot of ignorance and misinformation regarding WLS.

And the reason you care that this particular person disapproves of your surgery is.....?

Also, why is it always the fat ones that seem to disapprove?

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

OK ... here's the truth coming at you from an old broad who's seen some considerable s**t.

Y'know how to tell if someone is an evil influence? It's when their unsolicited, invalidative advice offered "for your own good" crawls around your brain like a poisonous scorpion shitting on every cell of your mind and soul.

From now on, you should make it blatantly clear to her that she is on your all-time s**t list. Don't pretend like you like her. Don't pretend like she has your best interests at heart (she doesn't). If she comes in and sits down at your luncheon table, get up and leave. She is dead to you.

And if she does it again, tell her you're going to report her to H.R. if she tries it a third time.

Oh, and don't assume anyone else is "talking about you." She is lying her ass off. That's just her imagining has any influence whatsoever over you. She might be self-aware enough to realize what she's doing. Or maybe she's just a meddling, clueless cretin.

Either way, she is dangerous to your well being -- ONLY if you give any credence whatsoever to the idiot noises she issued while her mouth was moving. What she thinks and what she says is 100% irrelevant to your life.

Now move on.

P.S. BTW, you keep doing that Subway salad thing you did -- it's brilliant! Love it!

[jenmcd623 76]

Thank you everyone. It's so hard to let stuff roll off, I've always felt judge my whole life for being overweight. I finally am feeling good about myself, I'm down 73 pounds and 3 pants sizes. I am going to try and let this roll off. I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement, you don't know me, but I know that we are all on a similar journey.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[KristenLe 5,979]

73 lbs? Wow - no wonder why she's jealous! Congrats!!!

[jackbh 30]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. If we don't set them up and keep them up some people will step in where they don't belong because they can. If we let them.

I'd hold a damned meeting at work and call her ass out in front of everyone else and then ask her what she is trying to accomplish by talking to me about this in the first place. I work as a counselor and I often piss people off when I ask them what are you trying to accomplish with what you are saying. People don't like being called out especially in front of others and their true colors will fly for all to see when you do. And if she's just a co-worker and not a friend then who cares what the heck she thinks? And where was all her concern and help before you had the surgery? Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. If she don't sleep in your bed then she don't matter.

[MissMac 163]

Don't give away your power.

You will find out that as you lose weight you will gain confidence and courage. My favorite thing to say to haters is "Thanks for your concern. Now, let's talk about your weight."

I agree with everyone else's comments. Give her one fair warning that discussing your health and weight when you did not ask for input, is just cause to make a harassment complaint with HR.

Also, the older you get, the less you will care about other people's opinions.

It is no secret here that bariatric surgery will expose the raw dynamics of your relationships. People just can't keep their mouths shut. You will find out just exactly how people really see you because they drop that veil of silence. This is not a bad thing, even though it stings. It is good to know where you stand so that you can respond in an appropriate, if not sarcastic way.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

a lot of coworkers who have been super supportive...The problem is I have one coworker who came up to me yesterday...She doesn't know my past and how I have struggled for years of dieting and failing.... I had severe depression and had given up on weight loss working for me.

She was really upset that the other day I had gone to Subway...She said she isn't the only one that feels that way at work and that there are others but they won't come up to me and tell me. I'm not sure of the truth to that, but it makes me feel extremely self conscious while I am at work.

This is the first time I've had anyone have negative response to my surgery. I feel really defeated about this...Any advise?

There seem to be a few things going on here.

First, you're doing yourself a disservice by discounting all the supportive people and letting this one nasty, miserable person color your view. Your history, motives, motivation and all the rest are none of her business. She is inappropriate in every way and beyond ludicrous to advise against surgery after the fact. Had she spoken up before your surgery, she'd have been out of line for commenting on something which you hadn't asked about. She doesn't matter in the least. My advice is to tell her not to speak to you about your surgery, your salads, your existence. You owe her no information or explanations, which you've been giving her albeit inside your own head.

Since she's announced to you that she's been gossiping about you with co-workers -- and it doesn't matter whether it's true - you can make a complaint at the HR dept. Office gossip is against the rules because it harms productivity and morale.

Whatever motivates this co-worker is irrelevant. You're the one who matters here. Your WLS success, ability to take pleasure in your choices and peace in the place where you spend so many hours each day are what matter. Let her stew in her own fatty juices.

[UalreadyKnow 843]

IMO, somebody's been talking about you, whether good or bad somebody said something, she didn't go to subway, so how'd she know what you ate? I would just not engage in ANY conversations about your weight loss with anyone. Just kinda blow it off when people make comments (good or bad) and when someone gets pushy about "how much have you lost now" just say you don't weigh yourself anymore. Women tend to be very catty especially when it comes to weight loss! Good luck to you and congrats! You've been more brave than anyone could possibly know.

Edited May 25, 2016 by UalreadyKnow