Two Similar Threads

[gowalking 10,790]

There are two threads currently running that are very similar in that they are touching on subjects of marriage and family support. I am not a therapist, and I only have my own experiences to draw on along with some understanding based on things I've read and heard. But I wanted to comment on these threads because I think it's important. I just don't want to have the OPs feel like they are being picked on or dog piled.

There seems to be a familiar theme that runs through some of these posts and it has to do with being in relationships that are negative rather than positive. My take on this is that women who are not confident and happy with themselves often cannot connect with men who treat them in positive ways. Basically, if you do not feel worthy of love, you will not be with someone who will provide that to you.

It explains the numbers in terms of how many marriages break up after surgery. If a person feels better about themselves, they will not be satisfied with being with a significant other who doesn't treat them well.

Again...the weight is just a physical manifestation of the bad feelings, whatever they be. Now this is not true for everyone and I know I'm generalizing but it seems to hold true more often than not.

I learned a very important lesson when I was married to my second husband. It was that I was better off alone than in a bad marriage. I thought I was lonely when I was single but nothing compares to feeling lonely when your husband is sleeping next to you. That is a horrible feeling and I know what it's like.

I'm not advocating anything here...I'm just making an observation. We are good people who have issues. Our issues show up as excess weight but it could be anything else to excess. The difference is that if you drink too much, or do other things that are destructive, others can't see it as easily as they can see a fat person. Our issues happen to show up on the outside very easily but we are no different than anyone else who is struggling with self image, self worth, negativity, and what ever else makes us who we are.

Please know that I am not judging, nor am I suggesting anything. I just wanted to say that I feel for anyone who is struggling because we all are struggling in one way or another. My life has turned around 180 degrees since I lost the weight but I also struggle on a regular basis to eat mindfully and to not sabotage all my hard work. I see a therapist because I understood that I had to work on my head along with my body. It's only through that weekly slog through my psyche that I am able to now have a healthy relationship with a man, and to not make some of the same mistakes I've made in the past. If I've learned anything at all, I've learned that I haven't mastered any of this yet...and likely will not ever be able to take any of this for granted.

Wishing all of you well. 'Rant' over.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@gowalking - Great rant, well said

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

[Babbs 14,680]

Yup. Perfectly said.

I have always been a fairly confident person, fat or thin. It's pretty foreign to me when others allow people to treat them like crap.

Eleanor Roosevelt said it best:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well said, I agree with you - but I would ALSO like to play devil's advocate.

I think we all need to ask ourselves how WE contribute to "relationship" issues. How many of the obese/formerly obese experience issues, emotional problems, depression - whatever - that are not conducive to maintaining the most healthy relationships?

Relationships, true love and a purpose filled life take effort. It is easy to go down the "fairy tale" path of thinking that it is all about finding Prince Charming. Actually, I think it is more about finding a person that you have a mutual respect, love and values so you can nuture that relationship and hopefully each other.

I have been at goal since Feb 2013 and I continue to realize that once the "weight" of the nememis of obesity is off my back I have energy toward some of the big questions in life that i just didn't even have on my radar when I was in the struggle to save my life. Moving up Maslov's needs pyramid!

[ShrinkingPeach 1,291]

Excellent and thoughtful "rant". In life, as we go we learn many things about ourselves. I have always felt we teach people how to treat us and you are on the money that if you don't have self-confidence you will accept just about any treatment.

That goes for all relationships, not just romantic ones. What about the friend who gives you the backhanded compliment? The boss who gives you veiled insults? We passively accept those and walk away with our head down or we truly walk away and leave them behind with our head high!

For a lot of people the weight is a manifestation of our feelings and for a lot it is a place to hide. For some it is a safe insulated world where we self-fulfill our feelings of unworthiness.

I have been overweight my whole life and I am noticing that as I lose the weight (I still have a long way to go) my confidence is gaining. I don't feel like the fattest person in the room. I smile more. I feel better.

I have a wonderful husband and he is very supportive of this journey because he says he wants to grow old with me, be able to do more things, etc. It is the "friends" who I am noticing the changes in. Maybe I was the fat friend that they felt comfortable with. Whatever the reason I am letting them go one by one as they fall out of touch the smaller I get.

Just my own observation and in no way meant to tell anyone else what to do either, just sharing my experiences.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Nailed it.

As I've said before, my tolerance for a------s went down in direct proportion to my weight loss.

Additionally, I do now recognize that my crappy marriage was made crappy by two people, not just one big jerk.

I didn't speak up because it was easier to go along.

I didn't speak up because I didn't want to fight.

I didn't push for time spent on my interests and friends because I didn't have the energy to deal with his pissy reactions.

I let the emotional and mental and financial abuse continue, even against my kids, because I was afraid I would be financially helpless without him, and too scared to make a change.

I ate to make these realities go away for a few hours a day.

I didn't go out and socialize because I was embarrassed about who I had become.

When I put down the fork, everything changed. No more buffer. No more anesthetic. No more tolerance. No more self medicating.

I got out and didn't look back.

But I came with me.

And I learned in this past year that not only am I stronger than I ever had to be before, but I also still have a deeply rooted drive to self medicate all scary and bad feelings away.

Last month, I corrected an alcohol problem before it ruined me.

I, too, see a therapist and go to CODA and OA and now AA. I go to a Christian divorce group weekly and just started a smaller women's-only divorce group as well.

It's a lot of appointments and meetings, but you know what? It beats the hell out of sitting on the couch at 302 pounds every night and eating myself into a food coma.

[gpmed 623]

@@gowalking Good post. This is definitely interesting stuff to think about. I'd bet a lot of us never fully developed self-respect growing up. I grew up with an alcoholic mother with terrible boundaries. I didn't learn how distinguish between my own problems I needed to own and others' problems that I needed to let them own. I know a number of women with weight problems are survivors of sexual abuse, which is the ultimate way of taking away your voice. I had several crappy relationships both as a thin and overweight person.

A couple years ago I saw a therapist who taught me all about boundaries and that I don't have to put up with other people's BS. That changed my life. I'd made a long-distance move for a job away from the place I'd been living for several years and loved. It looked like a good idea on paper, but I knew in my heart it was wrong for me.

With my newfound courage, I got an even better job and moved back to that area I love. About eight months in, I learned about the bariatric center where I ended up having my surgery. I only told my dad, my best friend and my boyfriend at first and they all said they supported me. I had my dad tell the rest of my family first and he made sure they knew my mind was made up and I wouldn't tolerate any negative or inappropriate comments.

Now I'm post-op and just trying to ride out the difficult time in the beginning. I know this is going to make me feel even healthier and more confident. Can't wait!