Despicable thoughts

[WL WARRIOR 690]

As a way to combat the sweltering heat, I was at the city pool with my 10 year old son yesterday. This was actually suppose to be a momentous day since it was the first time I got in a public pool with my son, let alone wear a bathing suit. The pool was packed with all kinds of people.

This is when the "despicable" part of me comes into play. Ever since making it to goal two months ago, I find myself noticing (judging?) obese people. I'm not quite repulsed, per se, but just more aware. My thoughts are usually along the lines of:

*Man, was I really that big?

*I could never walk around in a tiny bathing suit if I was that big.

*I wonder how she feels about her size? I wish I could help her, but then again, what if she is fine with her weight?

*Eating hot dogs while swimming seems so contradictory...he has to know that, or does he?

*It has to be uncomfortable just sitting around when you are that big. I know I was at this time last year.

This is not me. I'm usually an open minded person. In fact, I usually don't notice or compare myself to others. What's more, I've never been vain, not now or ever. My main reason for surgery was to better my health and alleviate diabetes, high blood pressure, and joint problems.

I just hate having these kind of thoughts. Maybe it will change over time once I have been in maintenance for a long period. Ever since hitting goal, I have been doing a lot of reading up on how to stay thin for life. Its just been heavily on my mind lately and its starting to influence my thought patterns. Anyone else have this problem?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I have read many many posts (most not nearly as gently worded as yours!) of this new found "judgement" of the obese. I would say it is normal but not something I experience too much.

I was at preconcert party about 3 weeks ago and it was HOT. I was wearing slightly longer shorts and a summer top and sweltering. I commented to my skinny galpal who doesn't wear shorts due to varicose veins that I wish I had worn my "shorter shorts" to be cooler but I have some thigh jiggle and thought these looked better. I don't even notice this crap in other people, but am aware of my own appearance. Anyway, she jumped right into pointing out very heavy girls wearing very short shorts and telling me i would look way better than them.

So, I hadn't even noticed the short shorts on the heavy girls and when she pointed them out... i still thought they looked better than me. They have the advantage of youth and the full thighs appeared firmer to me then i see mine. so I guess even after all this time in maintenance, I still tend to judge myself considerably harder than I do others.

Mostly though, i just stay away from the whole line of thinking. One of my life lessons is there is always someone (fill in the blank) smarter, cuter, richer, skinnier, taller etc etc and it is a losing game to be constantly comparing...

[lisacaron 5,075]

OK so I can't help myself here...because this happened to me just the other day! I am NOT at goal and I am still Obese, and I'm sorry but there are just some fashion violations that the obese girls and boys alike require that the authorities be called in to intervene because my big mouth is gonna get me into trouble! Good thing my hubs was there to clamp a hand over my mouth!

I was no where sweet and nice like the pool or even the beach, where I might expect flesh to be hanging out. I was sitting in the tattoo parlor waiting for my artist to finish drawing up my newest addition.

Out from the back walks a couple and let me just say I am all good with the biggins. My hubs and I still fall into that category ourselves, but I am sorry call the fashion POLICE because when your skinny jeans are hip huggers and your camisole is 3 sizes too small for you has to be pulled all the way down to cover your belly hang since the jeans only make it to about the pubic bone and your boy friend has to keep pulling up your top because your balloons are about to float out of it as you simultaneously pull it back down to cover that belly hang I have to call for an intervention!! If that was not bad enough the artist calls them back and those jeans that are already screaming for mercy have wiggled their way down to where it is now nearly a full moon wearing what else but a red thong!!

Yeah I was about to scream for an intervention here when my husband reached over and grabbed my arm to sit back down and put his finger to my lips and said shhhh you can't take on the world.

So for the entire time I got my artwork finished...I was thinking...does she NOT see how she looks? Did she intentionally pick out these things thinking they look good? for crepes sake the flip flops were screaming to stay between her toes too....I was thinking what a pig headed judgmental brat I am!!!

I think that when I see my step son heaping on the ketchup, splashing the soda down his throat like a crack addict asking for second, and third helpings of food or bags of chips to snack on. When we think of going out to dinner and taking them with us...how hubs and I are going to share a meal and they are going to need 2 entree's or at least going to ask for them....

I was thinking of my little doggies who are now also on a diet also for their long term health (vet requested no less.) and I think and sometimes tell the doggies OK pudge you ate your bowl now walk away.... holy crap when did I get to be so judgmental?!

The one thing I can say is that I apply this to myself as well every single day, for good and bad. I have the self talk in my head when I want to eat what I know is not good for me and is not in line with my "goals". This can be the positive side of it and then there is that self deprecating talk when you put on something that doesn't fit quite the way you think it should and I become pudge or flubber or some such name, and I realize that this is really where my judgmental thoughts come from and I need to put a finger to my own lips and say shhhhh!!!

[VDB 800]

Back in the late 80's an obesity researcher studied this question. She found that most non-obese people felt superior to obese people, which was not always accompanied with negative behavior toward obese people, just feeling better than.

Then, she studied obese people who were around "really" obese people. Sure enough, the obese people felt superior to the really obese.

I was over 400#, 6'4", a very big guy, and on the very rare occasion when I was around someone much bigger than me, my internal reaction was always "That poor fat SOB!"

Today, heading for 80# down, 3 months post op, at the public pool, there was a much heavier guy in the pool than me. I introduced myself and we had a good chat about the weather. As I swam away, he said "nice talking to you, John, see you next week". My point is we are all just people, let's use those social skills.

[Julie norton 2,850]

Good posts... I don't notice others too often.

I felt judged at an xxl size and usually go about my business in my own head.

USUALLY...

I must add I was tempted to take a photo of an extremely huge woman wearing very low neon green and black super tight pants with a very short cropped top.... And lots of flesh really overflowing... And many folds exposed.

I just thought of how she viewed herself. Perhaps she thought she looked good?

I never had the gumption to wear exposed skin except at the beach...part of me admired her for her strength...truly!

The world can be cruel to the obese and I need to be not part of that.

I shall work on my lessons for being a better human.

[Stevehud 1,790]

While this happens to me all the time, and if you notice there are so many people who go from fat or big or whatever euphemism we use, to becoming personal trainers etc. ( to me it's just wrong, but that i my sole opinion) but i do catch myself saying things in my head and not out loud etc, when i see a really big young person and thinking, "please , please. dont go through life the way I did, Please start fixing things NOW before you get to be in your mid-forties and have all these health issues and miss out on so much of life."

It is a hard thing to get over, and I'll never tell anyone they have to lose, or should try this or that, unless they know me and ask specifically about the surgery, and then ill keep it confined to the surgery.

But this is the reason I won't even watch my 600-pound life, I wind up yelling at the TV when I see them cheat or when families don't help the people. It's just a natural reaction to want to reach out and teach someone about the mistakes that I have made. But I know it would hurt too much as it would've hurt me when I was fat as well.

[Babbs 14,680]

I'm sorry, I just have to say.....

Why was someone eating a hot dog in a swimming pool?? And how is that even possible??

That is all.

[swimbikerun 1,038]

I'd say we probably all have the same thoughts. Maybe they are judgements and maybe they are just wondering what runs through others minds. Just like you asked here - how do others think/feel about x/y/z?

and for the record, as a swimmer, if you go to the indoor pools and be there with other swimmers, not those who splash around but actually swim, you can be 95% naked and no one notice. Or they'll complain for you to not have ragged trunks or something, have some pride. No one cares.

If you show a nice suit, we'll notice the suit. The rest of us know what we all look like, and we're over it. Sometimes an indoor pool (lap pool) is a better way to go.

[Lapbandster 496]

I've seen worse than people eating hot dogs in a swimming pool, and it's kinda nasty.

One time there was a girl eating (more like shoveling down) a burger (the bun looked like mush because it was wet, omg)

Anyhow- the Tomato slipped out and off the plate right into the water- instead of tossing it out she Fished it out and ate it.

The lifeguard should have made a rule about not eating in the Water because it's kinda dangerous

[WL WARRIOR 690]

Just to clarify the man eating the hot dog in the pool..................

The day we decided to go to the pool was the same day Missouri Care (Medicaid for kids) hosted a free swim and snack day for the entire community. We didn't know about this and came an hour before it started, which kind of sucks because we could have saved $9.50. After an hour of swimming, the pool became terribly crowded and I realized that not going to a public pool for ten years wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

Most people were taking advantage of the free food and many were eating at the side of the pool, which isn't suppose to be allowed. I'm thinking that the lifeguards had trouble enforcing the rules with such a large crowd. The guy that was eating the hot dog did not eat it while swimming UNDER Water. He was swimming at the deep end and swam to the edge to reach out and grab a hot dog from his daughter. He wolfed down the hot dog while still in the Water at the edge and took the last bite before swimming back to the center.

We left the pool when the two kids swimming near me were discussing not wanting to get out of the pool to go pee. I heard one of them whisper, "Why not, no one will ever know." They were silent and still for a few seconds and we were out of there. We went out and bought a pool yesterday. It's not as big as the city pool, but at least I can put all my attention where it should have been in the first place--my child.

Edited July 16, 2015 by WL WARRIOR

[swimbikerun 1,038]

Warning gang: just for the record, most do not leave the pool. You see a few do, but if you are working on techniques, like Ryan Lochte says, everyone does it.

I will say this when you are swimming for several hours in sets and especially more than one in a lane, its that way.

Btw, my pool is a UV filtered pool. I could barely tolerate the public pools: too many chemicals and too many shallow ends. Flip turning becomes unnerving because you are doing a summersault for all intents and purposes and if you dive in, there's a huge huge difference between 6-7 feet and 12 feet. The Water is WAY too hot. I swam a mile once when I was in competition shape and had to stop for breath. I think I lost more weight in that pool than any other.

[reallyrosy 161]

Wl warrior...thanks for revealing your thoughts about seeing other "fat" people. That has been my thinking ever since i lost weight...not nec with surgery, either. I am convinced that it stems from self hatred. I cant look in the mirror if i am fat. I tear myself apart for being fat. I think the thoughts are externalizing my true feelings about myself. That makes even the slightest gain especially anxiety provoking.

Im not alone!

[swim and climb 15]

When we feel judgy, it's almost always our personal issues and hang ups that we're projecting onto other people because we recognize something in them that reminds us of parts of ourselves we don't like.

Whenever this happens to me, I think about where it's coming from. What about myself do I see in that other person? What fears do I have that are causing me to distance myself from this person by judging them? For example: if I see someone in a certain type of clothing and I immediately think omg no, I ask myself why am I opposed to it? Why do I care what someone else puts on their body if they feel good in it? It's usually because of my own insecurities-their fat rolls are showing and my fear is that my fat rolls still show. Or their thighs jiggle and I'm self conscious about the way my loose skin ripples when I walk.

If you're looking at someone who looks the way you used to and you're thinking omg I hope they turn their life around now, it's most likely your own sense of regret from what you perceive as lost time or your fears that you may end up back where you started.

Judginess comes from insecurity and the only way to work through it is by identifying your own gaps in confidence. Insecurity is totally normal but it's not other people's responsibility to bear the brunt of it. I know most people aren't voicing these negative thoughts but it still comes out in our faces, body language, and the way we look at people. Practice compassion with yourself and others and focus on how to love yourself fully. Self love is toxic to insecurity.

[reallyrosie 5]

Swim and climb...thanks...very helpful post.

[Dub 9,922]

Had a similar experience while on a cruise this past April.

At the time of the cruise I was off to a good start towards my goal weight......7 months into it and 3/4 of the way there.

I hit the onboard gym most mornings as soon as it opened. I'd stop off at the restaurant near our cabin after my gym time. I'd sit and relax and enjoy some coffee and Water and read an iBook from my iPhone. Sometimes I'd look up and see the same folks making their way through the buffet lines for return trips with plates loaded down. I'd sip a few cups and then head back to the cabin for a shower and usually my wife would be ready then for us to go for a late breakfast/early lunch before doing the pool thing all day.

While eating those late breakfasts/early lunches....I'd often see the very same folks form earlier going through the lines again with loaded down trays of food.

It made me reflect on my own cruise dining prior to VSG surgery. I would have been found right there with most of the repeat grazers at the feed troughs. One thing I found interesting was how vasty different the appearance of the staff was vs the average cruise passenger. Almost all the staff were lean and fit......vs the rest of us. lol I realize most people blow it out on cruises......but from the looks of it....many of us engaged in that same blow it out philosophy in everyday life, too.

I needed to see those behaviors and the results it yielded in my fellow passengers. It helped cement the changes I was making and how much better I physically felt as a result. I know that if I slip....and allow myself to continue slipping for any timeframe.....that I can easily return to that former state.