Husband is so negative about my Weight Loss Surgery :(

[Totoro 66]

CAUTION! Huge vent AHEAD!

So I saw my surgeon and dietician for the first time today and have my surgery date in just over 4 weeks, I want to do this ASAP.( I'm in Australia so booking the surgery and using insurance is very straightforward).

I'm excited to lose weight and feel good about myself.

Husband thinks I'm abandoning him. He needs to lose a lot of weight himself and he says I'm getting the easy way out and leaving him to do the hard work. He said we got fat together and now I'm not supporting him to lose it. He said he would never do this surgery.

So frustrated that he's making this about him when it is entirely my own decision about my own body.

He's blaming my parents for what he perceives as them making me feel so bad about myself that I feel I need to do this.

Grrrrr!!!! So angry at his bull$&@#!!!!

Ive tried to reassure him of course. And I think there is also a lot of worry there about me dying. He has never had surgery ever in his life.

He also doesn't perceive me as being unhealthy. I don't have any weight related health problems (yet- I keep trying to tell him YET) but certainly will in the future.

So I'm feeling so frustrated but honestly I'm seeing this as his problem and I'm still going ahead with it because I need to for my health.

Sorry everyone. Rant over.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

This is not about him, it's about YOU. You have every right to be pissed at him, but you are doing the right thing moving ahead. (US here, I had to use a converter, but similar starting stats. )

Tell him you don't want to discuss it, or tell him to suck it. Your choice.

You get healthy for YOU.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

"I'm miserable! Be miserable with me, baby!"

That's not healthy love. That's a self-destructive person who wants you to destroy yourself, too. I think your frustration and anger is appropriate.

Take care of yourself first. Then if he wants your help, offer your help. If he doesn't accept your help, then that's on him.

[Totoro 66]

Thank you ladies. Both of your replies are so true!! He wants me to wallow in his misery with him!!! So selfish! No I will not discuss it with him any longer. He's being very childish and had better wake up to himself!!!

[borg/assimilated 576]

I think if you remain calmly resolute and remind him that you have done your research, he will realize it is not a debate. Perhaps his comments are masking a greater fear that he won't verbalize. My husband was frightened about my dying during the procedure. Maybe he has similar worries? Or it could be that he is just being a big jerk right now until he gets used to the idea.

[Rhonda137 12]

Do the surgery for yourself. I'm sure in time he will come around and understand your decision to have the surgery. Maybe you will even inspire him to lose some weight with you. Who knows, but you can't let his issues alter your plans. Good luck!!

[Bonawanabfree 280]

His insecurities are louding his judgement. Simply say to him " When you are ready to express your insecurities in a healthy and mature fashion then i will be will to sit and listen". he is having a tantrum and you are not his mother, You are his wife and his job as your husband is to protect you and comfort you. Say this "As my husband, I know that you want to protect me and be my support from the evils and pains of this world but did you ever consider that the person that hurts me the most is in fact the person that wants to protect me the most" That should make him think before he puts his foot in his mouth again. if that doesnt work then you just explain to him that the decision has been made and if he wants to play the role of the unsupportive husband then you will find a group in your area that will be your security. Im here for you.

[JamieLogical 8,684]

As others have said, this HAS to be a decision you make for yourself. It's YOUR body and YOUR life. Either he can come along for the ride or not, that's up to him. You say he would never have this surgery himself, but maybe once you've done it and he sees your progress, he'll change his toon?

My husband didn't want me to have the surgery either. Not because he himself is overweight (he weighs 155 pounds!), but because he thought of it as the "easy way out" like so many others. Now that I am almost 6 months post-op and he's seen all the sacrifices I've made and how hard I work, he knows it was NOT the easy way out after all. Maybe your husband will see the same.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

When you get on an airplane the steward tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Put yours on, then worry about his.

[Totoro 66]

thank you so much for all your replies, they are all so positive and supportive. We had another big fight about it this morning. I don't honestly know if our marriage will survive this. He's bringing so much into it - he doesn't think I've tried hard enough to lose weight and taking the easy way out; I'm not going to teach our kids how to eat properly; he says he doesn't even know me anymore; he said he would never have married me if he knew I was going to be like this and on and on. He doesn't accept that this is a decision for ME, he sees it as one for both of us; that I'm the one who made both of us fat etc etc. He's impossible to talk to rationally. Out of desperation I'm going to call his mother a bit later this morning and talk to her as she's one of the only people he'll listen to and I know he spoke to her yesterday. This has all come to a head because I got the surgery date yesterday and he realises I'm actually going to do it.

[JamieLogical 8,684]

Yikes! That sounds pretty rough. While my husband didn't understand my choice and disagreed with it, he was fairly accepting at least. Not sure what I would have done if he really fought me on it. I definitely still would have had the surgery, I just don't know what I would have done in terms of our relationship. Good luck to you! Hopefully his mom can talk some sense into him!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

thank you so much for all your replies, they are all so positive and supportive. We had another big fight about it this morning. I don't honestly know if our marriage will survive this. He's bringing so much into it - he doesn't think I've tried hard enough to lose weight and taking the easy way out; I'm not going to teach our kids how to eat properly; he says he doesn't even know me anymore; he said he would never have married me if he knew I was going to be like this and on and on. He doesn't accept that this is a decision for ME, he sees it as one for both of us; that I'm the one who made both of us fat etc etc. He's impossible to talk to rationally. Out of desperation I'm going to call his mother a bit later this morning and talk to her as she's one of the only people he'll listen to and I know he spoke to her yesterday. This has all come to a head because I got the surgery date yesterday and he realises I'm actually going to do it.

Want me to tell you how to lose a few hundred pounds really quick?

[Bonawanabfree 280]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I know that it must be heartbreaking. Please stay strong in your decision. He is not looking at this properly and it makes me very sad for you. I am lucky to have supportive people in my life that want me to be healthy and happy. He sounds terribly insecure and that makes me very sad as well because his unsupport of this is only going to push you further away from him. If he thinks you are going to leave him after you have lost the weight he is 100% right because you will no longer accept less. Keep your head held high and just stay stong. If he loses you it will only because of his own issues with weight. i would also like to add somthing to this. Who is he to judge you? The last time I checked there is only one true judge and he is certainly no shining example of a loving and sensitive caring man. I hope he sees you for the beautiful wonderful woman you are and if he doesnt then he has missed out on the best gift God has or will ever have given him.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Your decision is really threatening him.

And now YOU are responsible for his being fat, too. LOL!

Man, this guy really does not want anything in his life to change.

Out of curiosity, how much do you and he each weigh?

[Rhonda137 12]

My husband did question my decision for surgery. He was afraid for my health and the nature of the surgery scared him . He kept saying I could lose the weight with diet. But now that he can see the results from the surgery , he thinks it's a good thing I had the surgery.