Happigoof

March 3, 2006 I stepped on the scale and weighed a whopping 315 pounds. I’ll never forget the look on my face when I looked up at myself in the mirror  I was horrified, shocked, and very sad. By March 27th I (by myself) was on a flight to San Diego, California. Once I landed I was taken by a van 2 hours away to Mexicali, Mexico to meet the Doctor and staff that would be doing my lap band surgery.  After having an EKG, blood work, and a small group information session I was taken to my hotel to wait until the following morning to have my surgery. On March 28, 2006 I was banded and on my flight home by March 30th. I didn’t receive any counselling, any support, and was given just a hand full of post op procedures. Pretty much I was left to fend for myself and learn how this tool works on my own. For my first fill I went back to Mexico. My doctor stood me against the wall and gave me a 1/2 cc fill in my 3 cc band then sent me on my way again without any instructions.  The first 6 months I lost 20 pounds and was very discouraged because I thought I should have lost more. I desperately began to look for a fill doctor in my area that would take Mexico patients and found a woman that did them out of her home (I was that desperate). On my first visit she asked me a few questions then pumped my band with another 1/4 cc and sent me on my way. Within the next 6 months I saw her another 2 times and lost a total of 100 pounds. I will never forget the feeling I had when I stepped on the scale and saw 214 pounds. I was so excited and so proud of myself! I quickly ran to my husband (now ex) and said very excitedly I’ve lost 100 pounds I’m so excited! His response to me was “well, your still fat”! Those words did something to me that I can’t fully explain. Those 4 words stuck in my head and stayed there and they’re still there.  I left my husband and moved from Oregon (where I was living at the time of surgery) to Florida and again begun my desperate search for a fill doctor that took Mexico patients. Finally I found a doctor in Birmingham, AL which was a 6 hour drive each way for me but hey it was worth it to me. My first visit he asks me a few questions then gives me a small fill and sends me on my way. Again no counselling, no scan to see if my liquids are going down, just filled my band to the amount I asked for and took my $150. Now here’s the really ugly part. I knew my band was too tight but I didn’t care because losing weight was more important to me than anything else because being 5’9” tall and 170 pounds I was “still fat”.  I’d eat throw up, go straight back to the table eat again, throw up, and continue to do this until my plate was empty. If no one was home I’d just pull the trash can next to the table so I wouldn’t have to go to the bathroom every time I needed to throw up.  Every meal, every day I did this not realizing what damage I was doing. This went on for 8 long years and 167 pounds lost then continued so I could maintain my weight of 147 pounds.
 In August 2014 I moved to Louisiana and went to see a doctor just up the street from me because I needed a slight fill. When I arrived I met with a nutritionist (I’d never seen one before) then taken into a room with a table and asked to lay down on it. I was given a sip of water while they watched it go down then BAM like a slap in the face the doctor pulled all restriction out of my band and said he was not allowing me to have another fill or any fill at all because my esophagus was severely stretched out and if I didn’t take care of myself I’d have to have it replaced. You can only imagine the horror I felt because I knew I was going to gain weight! I was crying hysterically begging him to put it back but he refused! I ran out the door of that doctor’s office and never went back! Of course I began to gain weight at a rapid speed because I had starved myself for 8 long years. By the time I gained 60 pounds I decided I’d go  see my fill doctor in Birmingham because I knew he’d give me a fill. Now this is where it gets really REALLY ugly. While there he gave me a 1.5 cc fill then taught me how to do my own fills and un fills then sent me home with a hand full of syringes. I began to un fill my band when I wanted to go have dinner with my fiancé then I’d fill it back up a few days later. I ordered a box of 100 needles and syringes and before I knew it that box was gone and I was ordering another box of 100! I wasn’t losing any weight because I’d put my fill in during the week and un fill it on Friday evening so I could eat all weekend. This went on for a year until I finally realized that this had to stop right here right now! I put 1.5 cc’s in my band broke the needles off all my syringes and threw them in the trash. I have come to the realization that I’m either going to make this tool work or I’m going to have it removed and just deal with the consequences of my own actions. I’ve spoken to a counselor about my issues and I’ve taken ownership to what I’ve done. I wanted to be skinny so badly that I was going to do anything I could to get that way.
My advice is to seek help, don’t do this on your own, stay in a support group, ask questions, and never ever learn how to do your own fills! 
It feels good to be free and to be on the right track with the support that I need. I’ve hid this from my parents, children, and my friends for 10 years because I was ashamed of what I was doing.  To finally be able to tell my story is not only scary but it’s like a ton of bricks being lifted from my shoulders.
I look for support in Facebook groups and friends who’ve had weight loss surgery but it’s a daily struggle to stay on track because sadly I know what I’m capable of doing with my band.