Cervidae

Afternoon all! I'm writing this on a super awesome day: my one-year post op date! This day last year, I weighed 387 pounds and was in recovery after my bypass. This day two years ago, I weighed 450 pounds and saw very little hope of making it past 30. Today I am 207 pounds and perfectly healthy. How times change. I've learned so, so much in the last two years since I started down this road towards health and happiness. Some of the things I learned were tough lessons, some of them were illuminating and freeing, but all of them together have brought me here. "Here" is a place I never in a million years thought I could be. "Here" is an entirely different Abby, an Abby I thought was sort of a childish dream, or maybe a fairy-tale I told myself to comfort myself during the painful years I spent being obese and incredibly unhappy and uncomfortable. I still struggle every day with the person I was, the person I am, and the person I am becoming. I struggle to regain my self-image, and to regain an understanding of who I am outside and inside. I struggle with the social and emotional changes that have happened since my surgery, namely the way that people suddenly treat me like a human being because I am no longer painfully obese. I struggle to forgive the cruelty that I experienced at the hands of so, so many people, including my own family and friends. Including myself. I struggle with food cravings occasionally, and with the gravity of the change my personality and habits have gone through. I struggle with that tiny voice of fear in the back of my mind that tells me I couldn't possibly keep this goodness up. I struggle not to compare myself to others and I struggle to keep clothes on my back as I continue to drop sizes. Every day is a struggle. Every day is also a miracle. I would do this again, and again, and again... forever if I needed to, if it would bring me back here every time. This road has been a little bitter, a lot of sweet, and a wilder ride than I could have possibly imagined or prepared for. And it ain't over yet! From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all of you here who have been a part of this journey with me, whether you realized it or not. Thank you to all the vets who slapped some sense into me and the kind strangers who listened during times when my anxiety was out of control or when I was feeling so bad about myself that I felt hopeless. You all share a little piece of my victory with me. I wouldn't be here without you and the enormous host of other people outside of this site who have supported me and encouraged me and been proud of me the whole way. THANK YOU. I have a life now, and a future that simply did not exist for me two years ago. I am ecstatic to be able to share these pictures and my progress with you all today. I love you all. <3 Cervidae (Abby) Stats! Starting weight: 450 lbs Surgery weight: 387 lbs Current weight: 207 lbs Weight lost since surgery: 180 lbs Overall weight lost: 243 lbs Jean sizes lost: 20 (size 34 to size 14) Waist inches lost: 28 in Hips inches lost: 35 in Neck inches lost: 4 in Shoe size lost: 1.5 sizes

Hello bariatric pals. Today, my boyfriend's mother drove up from Philly for her sister's birthday here in Rochester. I always felt that she was supportive and non-judgmental of me. She was there on the day of surgery, helping me and taking care of me. When I first told her I was planning on having surgery, she seemed sort of baffled but still tried to be supportive and encouraging. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving, which was 40-50 pounds ago, and I was excited to show her all the progress I've made. I THINK she was trying to compliment me, or at least comment on how much I've lost. I'm almost positive she did not mean to be cruel or hurtful. But what she said was "you were VERY LARGE" - and she said it 5 times throughout the conversation. As though the only thing she could comment on was that I was VERY large and now I'm only LARGE. That she had to repeat that same phrase 5 separate times, but never once said I looked good, or I'm doing well makes me think that I couldn't possibly look as good as I finally convinced myself I look. I almost wish she had said nothing at all. That would have been less hurtful than being reminded that even though there are 165 pounds between that VERY large person and the person I am today, I will always be that girl. It made me feel like I will only ever be "442-pound Abby". It made me feel like I've been fooling myself by finally feeling like I can go out in public and my fatness isn't a glaring thing that offends the precious eyes of all the judgmental assholes that feel entitled to stare at me and make comments like I'm less than human, all because I'm fat. Am I ever going to escape her? Am I ever going to be treated like a person with talents and dreams and desires, or am I always going to be a VERY LARGE person? Is the hate and stigma surrounding fat people so intense that my entire personality is negated by my looks, even though I no longer look ANYTHING like the girl I was a year ago? Do the people in my life have this set image of me when my weight was out of control, and is that image ever going to change? Or am I just fooling myself? I guess I'm just looking for... support? Commiseration? A shoulder to cry on? I thought I was past feeling like this, like I'm not worthy of feeling good about myself and the enormous amount of effort I've put into my health. But today, I feel like I'm all the way back at square one.

Don't we all! Truer statement never uttered.

oh wowwwww, that dress. SO beautiful. You have amazing taste! Congratulations on your health and success, your wedding, your gorgeous dress, and everything else!

Totally and 100% agree. <3 I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon, either.

Something I always try to remember and remind other wls patients of: this process is about health, not weight loss. Weight loss is the result of the changes you are making to get healthy. If you do the things that lead to health (eating enough protein, drinking enough water, sleeping enough, keeping your body active, etc) the weight loss naturally follows, no matter what, and it will happen exactly the way and exactly as fast/slow as your body needs it to. Just keep making healthy choices and your weight loss will happen. You've got this.

oh my gosh, you are SO pretty! you were before and you are now. Congratulations on your success and health!

Hello! I use myfitnesspal to keep track of my measurements, though I do have a record of more in-depth measurements that I update once a year on my surgery date. MFP keeps track of the basics, like waist, hips, neck, and give you an option to see graphs of your records and so on. When I am asked how many inches I lost, I say "x inches around the waist, x inches around the hips" and so on.

bookmarked to read when I've got some time this weekend.

It can also greatly reduce your body's ability to heal and permanently damage your immune system. It goes far beyond just being "an unhealthy lifestyle", unfortunately. My program required a blood test before surgery to prove that you have been smoke free for at least 6 weeks. Some programs even require you to sign a contract promising you will not smoke for at least a year following surgery, as it takes that long for your body to heal. It's a gamble with your life, plain and simple.

I had the same pain from drinking water for the first 10 months or so, then I realized one day it was just gone and I never noticed it leaving. It's just part of the healing process.

Afternoon all. I wasn't quite sure where to put this post, but it seems here is the best place, as what I'm going to be talking about today is a huge part of the wls journey and I'm betting everyone here can either relate because they have experienced it, may experience it in the future, or can sympathize because, honestly, I don't know a single overweight person who has not had to deal with the pile of bullsh*t that I've been dealing with lately at some point in their lives. Last night, I posted a new selfie to Facebook. I've been updating them right along because my face is still changing so much, and I really like being able to see my progress and to quietly share it with my friends and family. I guess this particular selfie made my weight loss especially noticeable, because I woke up this morning to a message from a "friend" on Facebook that essentially said "wow! I'm so happy to see you're getting so healthy! It's so bad that you let yourself get that fat though." Upon reading this horribly cruel message, I was shocked, humiliated, and for a moment I felt myself blown right back to the place I was two years ago, a place I've worked tirelessly in therapy to climb out of: I felt that I was a worthless, hopeless human being who deserved to be treated this way. When people were cruel to me before, it devastated me because deep down, wayyyy deep down in the darkest and most painful parts of me, I agreed with the horrible things they said to and about me. I must be disgusting, gluttonous, lazy, pathetic, not even worthy of any kind of basic human kindness. After all, I led myself here, right? It's my fault that I'm super-morbidly-obese. I deserve this treatment. Now, two years later, I more or less look like a normal person. I wear a size 12/14 jeans, a large or medium shirt. I've even gotten to the point where I can sometimes look in a mirror and think "hmm. I think I may feel beautiful today." But messages like the one I got today derail me in a fantastic way, and remind me of that raw, horrible feeling that I'm still struggling with every single day to overcome. His message was almost conspiratorial; like, oh, you're not fat anymore, so we can ridicule and shame your former self together. Like I would agree with him and say "OMG you're right! Fat Me was f*cking disgusting and pathetic. I totally agree with you." Like I was not a person before and now that I am "normal", I am. I hate it more than I can even begin to describe. I hate that to many people, fat people not only deserve to be treated this way, but also need to be treated this way. There are whole (densely populated, I might add) forums scattered around the internet dedicated to posting pictures and videos of fat people for the sole purpose of shaming and hating them, and the excuse is to somehow motivate fat people into not being fat anymore. That's ludicrous, of course. The real reason is simple. It's pure hate, ignorance, and insecurity on their part. I know this. I believe this. But there is still a little part of me that feels nothing but shame and humiliation in situations like this. Will I always just be "Fat Abby" to the people around me? Am I ever going to escape her? And why should I even hate her in the first place? "Fat Abby" was incredibly sick with a severe hormone disorder, so poor I starved just as often as I gorged on cheap white Pasta and bread, and suicidally depressed. "Fat Abby" had no hope and so did the only logical thing in her mind: she tried to speed up the process of dying young by eating more. That doesn't sound like a lazy, gluttonous piece of crap to me. That sounds like a person who was suffering intensely, every moment of every day. I want to be kind and loving to that hurt former self, not look back and think "man, you were gross. Good thing you're skinny now!" I've said it before and I'll say it again many times, I'm sure, but I love where I am now. I am so, SO happy that I've made it here, and grateful to everyone and everything the led me here, including my own strong self. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. But it's also important for me now to express these things here, to people who have or will experience them. Losing hundreds of pounds is a completely incredible feat! But it's just the tiny tip of the iceberg compared to the changes your life will go through after surgery. Do these experiences somehow negate my progress or my pride and joy? Absolutely not. They are just part of the story, and part of the journey. I am not who I was. I will never be that person again. HOWEVER, being happy that I am not there anymore does not mean that I hate "Fat Abby", nor does it mean that I should be ashamed of her. Nor does it mean I deserve to be treated like an object that everyone gets to stare at and judge. Old Me, and I suspect all the Old Yous who are reading this, were just people who were doing the best they could and were suffering, and so we sought weight loss surgery to heal ourselves. We've done amazing things and changed in ways most other people have not even fathomed. Remember the Old You without the hate and stigma attached to him/her, and the shame and pain that surrounded living as an obese person in a world that absolutely despises and dehumanizes obese people. Love the Old You just as much as you love the New You, and maybe someday you'll reach a point when you see the entire You with the kind of hope, love, and clarity that will keep you healthy and happy forever. Attached is the selfie that started this. I love you all. Cervidae

@@ejsisman - don't panic! Your surgery still happened. Your stomach is still surgically altered. The ability to fix this is still there. Just go back to basics. protein first, cut out white bread/pasta, drink more water, etc. And maybe use something like myfitnesspal to record your intake for a while, it's a great tool to help you get back on track. I know many people think you can stretch the pouch, but multiple Bariatric surgeons have told me that it's not. All that happens is we get better at pushing certain foods (usually slider/unhealthy foods) through our stomachs faster. Go back to eating what you should be and viola! You'll be losing weight again. You're still in control here. Don't give up that control just because you gained some weight back. The tool will always be there, now it's up to you to utilize that tool. I believe in you! Don't give up.

As with so many things after surgery, it depends on the person. It can give some people HORRIBLE munchies, which is a slippery slope after we've had surgery to shrink our stomachs. I smoke regularly, though not very much of it, to actually stimulate my appetite and help me sleep, which are both issues I've had since surgery. However, I know for a fact that for some people, the side effects (munchies, sleepiness/laziness, etc) can be detrimental. It's just been a positive habit for me, personally. So I would say just be aware of how it affects you and keep close tabs on your habits, and if it's more negative than positive of an effect, re-evaluate your priorities. If it starts being a problem rather than a solution for me at any time, I have no qualms about quitting. Hope my perspective and experience helps.

I posted a link to mine a few comments up! @@bayougirlmrsc

Now people. I want to just put a warning here. Try to contain yourself when you see THIS sexy fairy: http://imgur.com/a/WG5T6

Right now, the nerves in your stomach have only recently been severed and will need time and care to heal. You won't feel full during this time, as most people don't. There are some people who never actually feel that super-full feeling at any stage post-op, which is why it's so important to measure and be very aware of how much you eat. The difference now is the lack or great reduction in hunger, and that's what you need to use to your advantage. My surgeon always says "if you're always going to eat until you feel full, you'e always going to be cultivating the very habits that contributed to obesity in the first place." Eating til we were full before meant we ate until our stomachs were stretched to max capacity (somewhere around a football in size) and eating until we're full now just means we've hit the limit of our tiny stomachs and are now starting to fill our esophagus, but not necessarily that we've eaten enough for a meal, which is why we have to eat so slowly and measure portions. You could eat slow enough to get around the sleeve/bypass and be eating all day; nothing is stopping the food from passing through your stomach after a short time. Measuring and sticking with that amount regardless of fullness is key!

So, good news! Just a couple weeks ago I attended a seminar where questions such as these were answered by one of the bariatric surgeons at my awesome hospital. He says the stretching stomach is a myth. Most likely, your food is going through at a faster rate now, so you're making room in your stomach for more food sooner. He said he's been a bariatric surgeon for decades and he has never once seen, even after doing swallow tests/imaging of his patients' stomachs, evidence that a stomach actually stretches. Just means you need to be more aware of your portions and stop when you're done eating your set amount. You may not always feel full. Plus, the swelling in your stomach is probably way less now, so that will make you feel less full as well. Hope this helps!