I watch the scale creep up. Sometimes, well really for more than half my life, the scale has been my enemy. For the last 18 months it has been a tool as I managed my weight loss after my gastric sleeve surgery. Sure we fought some. I couldn’t understand how I could be managing my calorie intake and exercising and that darn thing wouldn’t budge. But after perseverance I won the small battles. When I was initially scheduling my weight loss surgery (WLS), the doctor asks you to set a weight goal. I gave a number and then I mentally set 3 interim goals. My real goal was to have surgery and then within a year reach my weight goal, so I could then try to get pregnant. A year post-op and I had met 2 of my interim goals and was feeling great after losing 80 lbs. I changed my goal – one to a realistic healthy number and two to include a fitness element. So we went ahead and started our journey of expanding our family.

Fear creeps in when I get on the scale in the mornings. The number is getting bigger! I fight the urge to “diet” and restrict my calories. This morning I was .2 lbs below the last goal I had hit on my journey towards my ultimate weight goal. It is a number that I never wanted to go above again. I logically know that I am going to have to gain weight while pregnant. Emotionally I am fighting my demons. I strive to continue to be healthy during my pregnancy. I never thought it would be so hard to watch the scale move up. I really thought that I would just bask in being pregnant and enjoy every minute. Instead I look in the mirror and fear the fat returning. I am not a skinny girl and I don’t have a cute little baby bump at this point.

Firstly, I’m not sure who these women are that are just having easy pregnancies and glow. If I am glowing it is probably due to broken capillaries in my face from the frequent vomiting. Thankfully my all-day sickness is starting to become occasional sickness. And I am so tired, I just want to nap at my desk every day. Actually I have unknowingly fallen asleep typing. Do not take this as complaining, as I am not complaining since I am just having a few inconveniences versus some complications that some have to deal with.

The real struggle/question is how to balance the emotional demons and have a healthy pregnancy post weight loss surgery. I am striving to continue exercising and to eat healthy so both baby and momma are healthy. I will refocus on my goal after my precious baby boy arrives. 23 more weeks to go!